Life Dilemma : pregnant with no 3 accidentally

I cannot imagine having a termination for social reasons - though that's because I secretly yearn for a larger family that I can't afford or - probably - cope with! But I can understand it for other people.

I think thinking possibly you may actually keep it if it was a particular sex is appalling , and yes I do know what it is like to come to that desicion and had my main probs been, the fact that I was just getting my life back or had given baby stuff away then my desicion would have been different.

If I fell pregnant now, not one part of me would want another baby, I can just about cope with 2 and would find it financially crippling.

But I don't know if I could ever contemplate an abortion, I really don't think I could.

What a dilemma for you, but I agree with someone further down, maybe you should go with fate on this one?

There is an article in Eve this month on this very subject that made me all teary eyed on the bus this morning.

xx

what do you mean by 'had'?

just looking to see ig ginso has come back to us at all?
Maybe we have been 'had'

This time last year I found out I was pregnant with an unplanned pregnancy. DH and I thought seriously about having an abortion and it was very hard.

In the end we kept the baby who is now a lovely 15 week old.

I wish you good luck as well - it isn't an easy situation.

I think that calling someone else's reasons for a termination "trivial" is appallingly rude and thoughtless. Especially if you've been through a termination yourself and know just what coming to that decision means.

The OP wanted advice/support not to have other people's morals rammed down her throat and her worries dismissed as "trivial".

Pa!

We fell pregnant with DS3 (already have 2 DS aged 8 and 3) last year, he is now 5 months old. We found out we were pregnant two weeks before my husbands vascectomy appt came through! We were definitely only planning for two children.

I have polycystic ovarian syndrome so that made it more difficult for me to conceive AND I also still had the coil in when we found out we were expecting no 3! So, despite all odds, no 3 was obviously meant to be!

I think my mother-in-law was most disappointed when we had yet another boy (she has 6 grandsons) but my sister-in-law has since balanced that out by having a girl on christmas eve!

My husband had his vascectomy in June, a month before DS3 was born and we haven't regretted it (a more minor operation than female sterilisation).

I love DS3 (and the other 2 as well) to bits and he has been my most challenging by far - he's very stubborn and I had problems bf him (even though I didn't with the other 2) and we are still bf at 5 months (and I'm proud to have bulldozered through the hard parts).

I wouldn't change anything for the world now BUT you have to decide what is best for you and your family and go with that decision.

Good luck - I hope you make a decision that is right for you.

I stand by what I said, i think the reasons are trivial. I also think ginso's comment 'not sure at all what to do - but with 2 boys, might end up with a girl (which would be ace) ' is awful. So if she knew it were a girl that would make having it ok ?

i fell pregnant accidentally with my dd, now 20 months. i was 19 when i had her. she has loads of health problems due to a chromosone abnormality but i'm still so glad she's here as we very nearly lost her on a number of occassions after she was born. she is continuosly in and out of hospital but she is the most pleasent, happiest child i've ever come across (and i'm not just saying that cos she's mine!) if she ever cries (which is extremely rare) i know there's something wrong with her. i know it's a hard decision but i'd say keep it, you'll be able to cope with anything life throws at you and from what you've wrote already i think you'd regret not keeping the baby.

i only had one child when i fell pregnant again and there was every reason to not have another. in fact, when i was clearing out the other day i found a list i had made, for and against. the against column was full, the for, no argument really. but i did have the baby (after booking a termination twice) and im very glad i did. my doctor said to me "yes, it may not be logical for you to have this baby (knowing my situation), but what do you really want?"

its your choice but i just wanted you to know that it can work out even if everything seems bleak right now.

IIRC most women that have terminations already have children, and so are likely to be in a similar position to Ginso. This type of dilemma must actually be terribly common. Best of luck with whatever you decide.

nutcracker, I think trivial is probably the totally wrong word to use here. No-one is suggesting ginso take this lightly. Just because you regret a termination (and I'm sorry that you do)it doesn't mean that someone else will. As you can see below, I don't in the slightest. But just because I don't doesn't mean I can't understand that other people might feel regret iyswim. Why are you shocked? This is mumsnet, there will always (rightly) be breadth of opinion on any given subject.

Ginso, how are you?

ive had three unplanned pregnancies. now have three annoying people.

But they might be trivial to one person but be completely justified reasons to another. I feel a bit sad that ginso has had so many posts which could cause someone to be guilt tripped into having an unwanted baby. Not that I suppose for a moment anyone would base their decision on mumsnet. I guess I am just so prochoice for women.

I have to say I am a bit shocked at this thread really, even though I have had a termination.

I discovered I was pregnant when Dd2 was 3mths old. It wasn't planned and I was recieving medication and counselling for PND. I wanted the baby but everyone around me thought it was a bad idea, and so I had a termination.
I bitterly regret it even though I have had another child since.

TBH your reasons for not having the baby seem slightly trivial (needed a different word there but couldn't think of it).

soupdragon..I did say that ginso couldnt help it!

On the troll subject, I was horrified at the suggestion that this kind of thing is a troll-like topic. Glad it isn't, but I did go on to think that even it were and had been in the past - who cares?

The point is it generates useful and healthy debate. On that note, Auntyfatasbutter, of course your view is welcome along with everyone else. And, yes opinions were sought, but you have posted here repeatedly as to your views on termination with a smug and unsympathetic approach at times, imo. Sorry to be blunt, especially as a relative newbie but I cannot bear the thought of anybody being shamed into not making a decision on something so personal as Termination.

Because of interruptions, i x posted with elliott - she says what i wanted to say much better.

Ginso - apart from a wry smile about the ways of the world, I don't think the fact that you needed assistence conceiving your boys is relevant to the decision you now need to make. And it needs to be 'do you want a baby' not, as someone pointed out, 'it could be a girl'. it could just as easily be a boy.
Had you 'finished' your family at two because you didn't want to go through IVF again - or do you think had conception come easily, you would have pictured more than 2 kids?
Does being pregnant again make you feel 'oh no', or is it exciting? And is that excitement about the surprise of knowing you CAN conceive without assistance, or because of a baby? If it is about a baby, then don't worry about work etc (though obviously the childcare costs of 3 are considerable, and may wipe out the financial benefit of one or the other of you working, for a while).
MN can't do more than say 'do what is the right thing for you' - but it may help to ask yourself questions in differnt ways, and see what answers you get.

ginso I could be you! Except no 'miracle' third pregnancy here...I have two IVF boys, both first time conceptions, they are 4 and 2 and I am nearly 40. I honestly don't know how I'd feel if I got pregnant (we are not doing anything to stop it, but it seems vanishingly unlikely). Part of me longs to conceive 'normally', just to stop feeling such a failure about it I think, the other part thinks that a third child would finish me off! But I know haven't felt that sense of 'knowing' your family is complete that a lot of people describe - its more a gradual process of feeling content with my two. Certainly for me, my fertility problems have complicated how I view these 'choices' and I can't really think straight about them - history keeps getting in the way. I don't know if that is something you feel as well? If so, maybe that is making it harder for you to really work out what your heart is saying about a third child?
I don't really know how to suggest you make a decision. Try each scenario on for size and see how it makes you feel. Don't have the baby because you feel you 'ought' to, just because you had to go through more than most to have your two lovely boys....people with fertility problems are just as entitled to know when their family is complete as anyone else!

Ginso
You mentioned a 15 month gap between your youngest and a new arrival. My ds was 15 mths. when my (unplanned) dd arrived. We feel that they were sort of brought up together - two little creature waiting on the conveyor belt for bums to be changed etc. - but in some ways it did make it easier, because they seemed to go thru' many stages together.
Thinking of you - don't envy your decision.

Im not having a go Enid, its just sad that due to sad trolls a lot of us automatically think a poster is feeding us a line.

Thats the reason I stay away from certain threads, but i trust my gut instinct on this one

well they do get bad sometimes yes and I have been dragged in on more times than I care to imagine so sorry that I felt the need to mention it.

Enid OP has posted before.

Things must be bad on here if you think that someone would post about abortion to get a reaction, I really worry about MN sometimes