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Original poster

is this parent asking to much? or am i getting it wrong?

60 replies

MaryPoppinsMagic · 01/11/2011 18:13

I'm a new childminder; I have just taken on a 15 month old little boy, the first few days have been awful, he has screamed the whole time and won't stop unless I walk round cuddling him at all times this is difficult as I have a dd of my own who gets upset by the screaming.

The parent has put some restrictions on me which I'm struggling with a little

  • I said I was taking the children to play group and having a coffee with a friend and her children whilst there

the parent said I could go to play group but cannot have a coffee with my friend as she wants me to follow her ds at all times

  • the parent gave me a book for a sure start centre and highlighted all the groups, times and days and told me I must go to these groups.

the centre is quite out of my way, and I don't always have enough time to do the school run if I do as she has asked

  • I explained to the parent I cannot take the child when ill. This morning he came and had really bad diarrhoea

i called parent to pick him up, when she collected she got quite off with me saying I should still look after him, when I explained again I couldn't do this she seemed really annoyed

  • I said this morning (before the poops) that we would be going for a walk to the shop this morning as I had run out of milk and butter

she said I am not to take her son to the shops as she is not happy with me going there with her son

So, am I going wrong here? I spoke to another childminder and she says its very unreasonable the requests she is putting on me, I have a dd of my own aswell and I want to do things that suit both ages, I honestly don't see nipping to the shop as a problem as children like the adventure!

What can I do??? Please help!

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Original poster
MaryPoppinsMagic · 02/11/2011 10:17

Oh dear,

Well she turned up this morning, I decided to pick my battles...

She told me I called her to pick the child up to soon and I could of waited a little while, I explained to her once a child has a bout of illness they need to be picked up, due to the risk of infection she shouldn't of even brought him today.

She told me it was teething and not virus, what am I supposed to do??

She then brought up the issue about me going to the shops, she said she is not comfortable with me taking her son to the shops and doesn't want me to do it.

I took all your advice on here and told her that I put her sons safety first and would never put him in a position of danger, I also told her that she cannot tell me what I can and cannot do and that if I need to go to the shops then I will.

I gave an example of what if another parent comes along and tells me their child loves the supermarket and picking things out and helping, do I then tell that parent I won't do it because she doesn't want me going to the shop.

I did say if she wants to control everything then she needs to get a nanny,

She didn't like any of it and I'm pretty sure she isn't going to use me after friday, well we will see!

I wish she would put him to bed earlier, I have just had to rock him to sleep because the poor soul can barely stand for being so worn out

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BranchingOut · 02/11/2011 08:07

I think that she fundamentally does not understand the nature of the services you are offering. Childcare is organised in very different ways in different EU countries (I just attended a seminar about this for work!), so it may be that the childminder concept just does not exist in Poland.

If you want to keep the work, then have a final attempt to explain things to her, definitely with a translator present. However, you have to set firm boundaries and say no to the attending when ill etc.

Having said that, I too would have asked you to follow my 15 month old at a playgroup and would have been a bit put off if you had told me that you were going there to have a coffee with a friend. Maybe she has seen inattentive childminders at groups and is a bit wary?

Saltire · 02/11/2011 07:44

Get rid! I did that (after much persuading from others on here) and it was the best thing I did, got so much more relaxed.

HSMM · 02/11/2011 07:36

As a Self Employed CM, you offer a service and parents decide if that is what they want for their child. She does not seem to understand this.

I'm with the others. Maybe call it a day on this one and store the experience in your memory bank for later business arrangements. If you think it is a simple misunderstanding, talk to her again and explain what you are offering (ie shops, coffee, school run, EYFS, etc) and see if that is what she wants.

sunnydelight · 02/11/2011 04:52

This is never going to work out, is it. The mum thinks that she gets to tell you what she wants and that you have to do that, she is totally misunderstanding the difference between being an employer and a service user. Get rid!

missymoo2411 · 01/11/2011 21:06

mpm

She doesnt employ you . She uses your services . I know were your comming from i had this when i first started 6 yrs ago and i look back now and i see that i let parent tell me how to run my buisness i am much stronger as a person and a cm .please think off your family and your self it will stress you out (if you feel like explaing it all to her again then do so ) but i think you need to let her go big time its not fare on your own little one or you good luck chick we are all here for you

DialMforMummy · 01/11/2011 20:52

I'd terminate but if you are reluctant, I'd do the following:

  • invite her to a meeting before the end of trial period and ask that she comes with someone with good English as you can say to her you feel there might be some misunderstandings between you and her.
-go through the contract and the policies with her and give examples for each possible activity. Explain that these are not negotiable. -explain why she was being unreasonable and from there, if she still thinks that she was not out of order, then explain that it is not going to work for you and then terminate. HTH
Original poster
MaryPoppinsMagic · 01/11/2011 20:42

dial the family are polish, and speak very little english.

Flis I sadly think you may be right

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Original poster
MaryPoppinsMagic · 01/11/2011 20:42

dial the family are polish, and speak very little english.

Flis I sadly think you may be right

OP posts:
gamerwidow · 01/11/2011 20:41

I agree with the others that you should cut your losses and end the trial. She clearly has not understood that you set the terms and conditions of your agreement not her.

Flisspaps · 01/11/2011 20:38

If she's been to you with a list of demands even after your chat and reading your policies and procedures, I really don't think you will EVER get across that you will do things your way.

Really, I seriously believe the best option would be to end the trial (even though that means losing income).

DialMforMummy · 01/11/2011 20:36

What do you mean,how much she understands? Is her English poor?

Original poster
MaryPoppinsMagic · 01/11/2011 20:33

I said to her when she came to see me that I would do trips out, such as groups, shops and different places and she agreed with it all, thing is though I'm not sure how much she understands.

I have a welcome pack which has all my policies and procedures that I ask parents to take home, read and sign and she did this after a few days.

Its such a difficult position to be in, I don't want to turn her away but in another sense I don't want to feel so restricted in what I am 'allowed' to do.

I am going to sit her down and talk about the whole situation,

Any idea on how I can nicely get across that I will do things my way?

OP posts:
Original poster
MaryPoppinsMagic · 01/11/2011 20:33

I said to her when she came to see me that I would do trips out, such as groups, shops and different places and she agreed with it all, thing is though I'm not sure how much she understands.

I have a welcome pack which has all my policies and procedures that I ask parents to take home, read and sign and she did this after a few days.

Its such a difficult position to be in, I don't want to turn her away but in another sense I don't want to feel so restricted in what I am 'allowed' to do.

I am going to sit her down and talk about the whole situation,

Any idea on how I can nicely get across that I will do things my way?

OP posts:
DialMforMummy · 01/11/2011 20:08

I agree with the others, she sounds like a nightmare. I'd run now while you can because she sounds like a woman who is going to piss you off on a regular basis.

Flisspaps · 01/11/2011 19:33

I would call her back now, and say that you're terminating the settling in period with immediate effect. I'm fairly sure that you can do this during the settling in period, without any notice. Why wait until the end of the week for this woman to make more demands (or to allow the child to start to settle in with you)?

girliefriend · 01/11/2011 19:32

She sounds crazy, my dd has had 2 cms and I would never dream of dictating where and where not she can take my dd Shock

I am a bit surprised tbh that this wasn't explained to her at the initial meeting as with my cms it was explained to me what a average day would look like, what sort of activites/ outings etc they regularly went on so I knew what to expect. Im my mind you either trust someone with your child or you don't - she obviously doesn't so she needs to find alternative childcare.

Also if the baby is exceptionally clingy it sort of suggests to me that there are other issues going on, maybe the baby doesn't have a secure base - not surprising with an over controlling mother!

looneytune · 01/11/2011 19:27

Agree with the others and I know this is REALLY hard, it's much harder when you only have your own children as others as it's not so easy for us to say 'it's not fair if my child catches it', much easier to say 'it's not fair to risk other families catching it!'. I've lost HUNDREDS of ££sss in the past for people bringing in sick children (pretending they weren't) and then me having to close when I caught it. This huge loss of income has helped me be EXTREMELY strict on this and I once was face to face with a new parent at pick up and told her 'I'm very sorry but this will be X's last day with me' when I found out the £300 I'd recently lost could have been avoided (I'd proof of her lying which is why I got rid just like that). She offered to pay the £300 but I said the trust was gone and that was that. It was one of the hardest things I had to do but I can't have people treating me like that, been there done that over the years!!!

You must NOT take this child tomorrow. Tell them you just found out you can get into trouble with Environmental Health for not following the HPA guidelines!! They MUST still pay you as if this is in your policies. Start as you mean to go on, you'll feel much better for it afterwards!!

And this is just how I feel on the sickness side of things.......as for the rest of it, she can't have her cake and eat it, if she wants a nanny then she needs to pay the higher rate and EMPLOY one. This is YOUR business and how you run it is up to you, if they don't like it, they can go elsewhere!! But no CM will put up with that nonesense for long!!!

Let us know how you get on.

LT x

SauvignonBlanche · 01/11/2011 18:45

Say goodbye and good luck at the end of the week - she sounds a nightmare!

ChitChattingWithKids · 01/11/2011 18:42

I've used a nanny before and now use a CM - I wouldn't even have given those instructions to the nanny, let alone the CM!!!!

Unless it's for major outings that are quite a distance away, or very much out of routine my CM doesn't tell me about them before hand. (Eg, She would tell me if she wanted to take them to a major park, or like yesterday to a halloween event in the local town which would have been after school and during their usual tea time). What she does is put the info into a their daily diary. But I dont' have details of exactly which playgroup etc they go to - I'm sure she would tell me if I wanted to know, but I don't feel the need to know!

She is not your employer. You provide a service which she pays for, but that's it. You dictate the terms, and if she doesn't like it she goes elsewhere.

Littlefish · 01/11/2011 18:37

Phone her back and re-iterate the 48 hour rule. Tell HER when you will have her child again, not the other way round.

ssd · 01/11/2011 18:34

ged rid, this one will run and run and you will spend half your life posting here about the mothers unreasonableness

just let the child go, its not your problem, someone else will turn up

SauvignonBlanche · 01/11/2011 18:33

She's asking far too much!
I'm not a CM but have used one, I trusted them to decide where was appropriate to take my child.
You expect them to do normal daily activities such as going to the supermarket as children would if they were at home with their parent.

Original poster
MaryPoppinsMagic · 01/11/2011 18:30

My initial thought when she said all this was she needs a nanny not a childminder, maybe I will suggest this to her when we review at the end of this week. I gave a week settling in period where we can both end at any time.

I probably sounded like I just go let the children run wild while I sip coffee, but I honestly do play and watch them. I like to influence independent play aswell as joining in as I think this teaches them good skills.

I have to wait in between 10-1 tomorrow for my new dishwasher to be delivered - maybe I won't mention it!

I have a sickness policy which states no attendance within 48 hours of the illness.

However the parent just called me and said see you at 9 as he hasn't been ill this morning - feel really pushed into a corner here.

I'm not sure this has anything to do with it but there is a huge language barrier, and the way she parents is very different. The boy doesn't go to bed till 9pm and when he comes in the morning is exhausted!

She also sends frankfurters (hot dogs) for his breakfast which I kind of begrudge giving him to be honest

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Original poster
MaryPoppinsMagic · 01/11/2011 18:30

My initial thought when she said all this was she needs a nanny not a childminder, maybe I will suggest this to her when we review at the end of this week. I gave a week settling in period where we can both end at any time.

I probably sounded like I just go let the children run wild while I sip coffee, but I honestly do play and watch them. I like to influence independent play aswell as joining in as I think this teaches them good skills.

I have to wait in between 10-1 tomorrow for my new dishwasher to be delivered - maybe I won't mention it!

I have a sickness policy which states no attendance within 48 hours of the illness.

However the parent just called me and said see you at 9 as he hasn't been ill this morning - feel really pushed into a corner here.

I'm not sure this has anything to do with it but there is a huge language barrier, and the way she parents is very different. The boy doesn't go to bed till 9pm and when he comes in the morning is exhausted!

She also sends frankfurters (hot dogs) for his breakfast which I kind of begrudge giving him to be honest

OP posts: