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Original poster

Nanny off with depression

86 replies

FionaSR · 26/10/2011 18:04

Our nanny is off with depression having attempted suicide.

I do not want to make things worse for her but am worried how reliable she will be looking after my 3 year old. It's a demanding job and can be quite lonely which could be quite difficult for her. My DD is bright and active so you need to be alert.

She has only been with us for since the beginning of the summer but she's been good until now.

Also, I have no idea when she may come back. I cannot afford to pay two nannies but need reliable childcare or I will be out of work.

Do I keep the job open - not sure how - or give her notice ?

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Original poster
FionaSR · 30/10/2011 12:54

Mj. Thanks. Didn't know they were different.

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mjlovesscareypants · 30/10/2011 12:51

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Original poster
FionaSR · 30/10/2011 12:45

Mranchovy: I appreciate your points but I am interested in any similar experience of others - nanny or parent.

Also the reaction of others is helpful to me in putting my own reactions in context, to retaining perspective and taking a view on what is reasonable.

The support of others who can relate to the situation is also invaluable as it is not easy. (I know it is worse for our nanny)

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mranchovy · 30/10/2011 12:32

The longer this thread goes on the more well-intentioned but unfortunately incorrect or just bad advice you are going to get. IMHO no professional who knows what they are talking about is going to comment without knowing the full picture and having an engagement in place. ACAS doesn't count - their advice is given without liability. Please talk to a lawyer who is going to help you do the right thing without making things worse for you (or her).

Here are a few things to consider:

  • Lack of contact is not always gross misconduct - if she had had a car accident and was in a coma she could not contact you.
  • Suspension (on SSP) may be an alternative to termination.
  • Comments like "the smiley happy nanny I would employ to look after my DD" and others are probably not very helpful in supporting a case that you are not discriminating against her.
Original poster
FionaSR · 30/10/2011 12:32

Thanks. Appreciate support and input. DD is confused. I am distracted at work and home and DH running out of patience. I am v worried for our nanny who was lovely with my DD but we cannot go on like this.
Have posted on legal.

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Gigondas · 30/10/2011 12:10

I think the registered post is only option giving notice. Sympathy re dd- mine same age and nanny is part of her routine so must be confusing. Sooner you can get a new nanny routine in place the better .

Original poster
FionaSR · 30/10/2011 12:07

Gigondas: DD v confused. Ongoing lack of communication is very difficult. If someone is not fit to have a conversation it is hard to see how to go forward. Will post in legal and try to add a link to this thread.

Thanks

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Gigondas · 30/10/2011 11:58

Agree with mj- post on employment as flowery or hairylights should have some advice on how to communicate .

I can see her parents are doing what they think is right (but sounds like ott before all this) but I thought it was days ago not 3 weeks. Whilst I can see nanny may be no
Better you would think that they could see why you needed some clarity on situation .

Original poster
FionaSR · 30/10/2011 11:47

Yes. Gross misconduct is instant dismissal. But not this counts. The communication has been difficult but I do not know whether she is genuinely unable to speak or her parents are covering in some way, protecting her or filtering the communication.

I have said I need to talk to our nanny directly but they just say no as she is depressed. I have tried calling texting and emailing the nanny directly again but no reply.

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mjlovesscareypants · 30/10/2011 11:31

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Original poster
FionaSR · 30/10/2011 11:03

Close to 3 weeks.

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Gigondas · 30/10/2011 10:32

Out of interest how long has it been going on for (got impression from op that wasn't that day you found out)?

Gigondas · 30/10/2011 10:31

Send letter (and soft copy by email - also ring or text too). Yes it's not ideal but not sure what alternative you have.

Original poster
FionaSR · 30/10/2011 10:24

Stay123 she is lovely and reasonable but I can't talk to her a's can't get past her parents.

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Original poster
FionaSR · 30/10/2011 10:23

Listentome: do I just send notice letter by post? The contract required the nanny to contact in person or by phone to let me know if any absence. At no point have her parents suggested she can't speak. They just think she is not upto it yet.

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Original poster
FionaSR · 30/10/2011 10:20

mjlovesscarypants: Yes. You are right. It has gone on long enough without our nanny talking to me. I had problems before with the parents contacting me but we just ignored it and spoke directly to her.

The problem is that the nanny is not answering her phone or email or texts. They did say at one point at the beginning of all this they were taking her phone away.

If she won't answer phone, email or text then the only option is s letter by recorded delivery. It seems very heavy handed for someone in a difficult condition?

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listentome · 30/10/2011 08:46

I think that you might take your cue from nanny's parents way of thinking. In not letting nanny talk to you, they are doing what they think is best for their daughter, as well they should! Frankly,at this time of what must be extreme stress in their lives, they are not concerned with with your childcare problems or your daughter's needs.

You need to be equally robust in looking after your daughter's best interests and being looked after by someone as fragile as your nanny is not what she needs. Please give notice; nanny is not suitable for the job.

Stay123 · 29/10/2011 20:26

I know it sounds heartless but I wouldn't let her look after my child either. If she is reasonable she should understand this. If she is preoccupied with thoughts of suicide her mnd is definitely not on the job.

mjlovesscareypants · 29/10/2011 20:17

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Gigondas · 29/10/2011 16:39

Addicted has a point- my employers sent note round saying text communication unacceptable and needed to have direct discussions or there should be a designated family member to communicate on behalf of employee (ie sort of a power of attorney). It is not about harassing anyone but about getting info and if possible helping (eg my employers will pay for certain types of help , counselling etc but can't arrange that with no details).

I can see how parents are being protective but it's not helpful.

addictediam · 29/10/2011 16:33

Fiona, I can't help feeling that if this was you, you were depressed and had mh issues and your parents were texting your place of work and not letting them speak to you, how would your work respond? Imo it is totally unacceptable that you have had no contact with the nanny, I think you need to be laying down the law with her parents - she ring you by x date or you will have no choice but to issue her with a written warning etc.

Original poster
FionaSR · 29/10/2011 15:58

Gigondas. Thanks for that.

I do not think she would ever hurt my DD or herself in DDs presence. But I do not think that in the near term she will be able to concentrate in a way that keeps my daughter safe or be the smiley happy nanny I would employ to look after my DD.

I will ask her parents what the thought is on her ability to do the job in the future. They still won't let me speak to her as she is too depressed.

She is v fond of my DD.

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Gigondas · 29/10/2011 15:32

Borntoberiled- I don't think anyone who had posted here is anything but sympathetic for nanny. However the op has an issue about cost of running to nannies (she cannot afford to pay for alternative childcare and sick pay/pilon for nanny off sick). Plus she has very real concerns about how the nanny will cope on return and given the nature of job it's pretty hard to adapt much to help.

Fionasr- my view is you need to speak to nanny (can you call parents and explain - also how long has she been off as if on recent you may need to leave it a week). See what she says (a friend who had sick nanny albeit not with mh issues did call and nanny resigned as knew couldn't come back - you may have same outcome). Then explain your position and say that need to make alternative provisions and if unable to come back are giving her notice. What did legal say about giving her notice - did they suggest you explain your concern (ie that whilst sick duties may be difficult and it isnt easy to adapt role). Ie. my view is prob to give notice now . That way you can get something in place ASAP .

BornToBeRiled · 29/10/2011 15:23

I would personally be getting advice, nor just on legalities, but on how I could best proceed so as to not make things worse for the nanny when she is suffering. She is likely to need several months away IMO, so obviously you have your temp and are sorted for now.I'd not be doing anything else for now, other than getting advice as the poor woman is horribly ill:

Original poster
FionaSR · 29/10/2011 14:19

Spoke to legal and acas. There is a risk of disability claim but very low as to be a disability must have lasted or be likely to last more than 12 months. Also there would be a defence as it is not possible in our circumstances to reduce the hours, change the job, have her supervised etc. If no reasonable changes can be made to accommodate the disability then the claim is very weak.

I think I may have to give her notice. The question is when. I have a temp so have a little time. Is it better to do it now or later?

I got this nanny through word of mouth. Last one was via an agency and excellent so tempted to go that way again. If I could do a nursery I would as I am finding all this very difficult. (though I know that it is worse for the nanny.)

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