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Original poster

mum/dad around interferring even though sole charge!

40 replies

vstressednanny · 14/10/2011 08:48

hi all

i just need a snippet of advice.....I started my job about 3.5 months ago, its sole charge with a baby under 1yr, take my DS 50% of time. was told parents out at work but less than once per wk they would work from home.

so far i havent had a week totally alone! baby is anxious if parents around, cries, tries to follow and generally is at the age where they get separation anxiety anyway, sleep patterns are changing, food habits changing and they get to know they can refuse things and cry more if dont get own way!

i know its not mums fault but she has had a 2/3 wk period of being quite unwell, which meant she was home 100% and working when felt like it, dad also worked from home for 50% of that time. Now rewind to last wk, I had a conversation with them, baby was having a particularly off day, crying an at that point mum appeared to "run" upstairs as she needed to put something away in babys room! mum hates her crying...
Cue a stressed me crying and asking her if we can talk once I returned, I was off out to music class, mum seemed shocked and said ok.

had the talk i told her that her keep popping in and being around so much was making it impossible for me to work effectivly with DD, i feel as though she doesnt trust me, i said i feel the job isnt working out as SC, far too much input from them when around, essentially she agreed she couldnt work with her boss around in the same way and understood where i was coming from, thats all after praising me, she tells everyone i am a great fit and do wonderful things, hardworker etc. The negatives - I dont put veggies in reselable bags when I use them, I do too much washing (1 load if that a wk!) and dont keep the kitchen exactly the way she likes it!!...cast your mind back to those really hot days we had a couple of wks back, she came up at bath time, apparrently the bath was too cold..i made it tepid as it had been such a hot sticky day!

the last staw, mum been away for 48 hrs this wk, returned yesterday at early evening...i got a text just b4 midnight (i was asleep!) saying sorry but she forgot to tell me im not needed so early today, 11am i get a lie in, i appreciate that, but a few things, already had plans with her dd and my ds (now cancelled) im on ww, left my breakfast there as too early to eat at mine, im on medication which i need 30/60 mins prior to breakfast, nothing else in house as trying to be good..so medication now delayed.i left my ds train and track there, his big garage - his 2 fav toys, cue upset ds this morning as he has no train or garage here! im not ungreatful but bearing in mind our conversation about sc and her being around,there appears to be no real concept of her decision and how it affects me and also ds.

think another talk is in order...i have been poorly this wk as a result of the stress i have been under (the dad has been home twice this wk!), im so on edge and cant relax with them around,they always asking what you doing, i do this way not that etc, hence the medication, the text really confirmed the reasons y i find this hard.

i have 18yrs exp but arrggghhh!!!
thanks guys
x

OP posts:
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fraktious · 15/10/2011 05:18

This really isn't the job for you on many levels, but mostly you and your employers have fundamentally different ideas on childcare and bringing your DS and him having to be quiet is a strain because they WFH.

You are coming across as very inflexible. It might be the result of you being at the end of your tether but if you're there then,again, this job isn't for you.

Gigondas · 14/10/2011 22:59

Two things strike me in your recent post that make me think time to move on. Firstly there is clearly a difference in style (eg your approach on crying child v theirs ). It does sound like there is room for discusson and adjustment there.
The second is that the thing re sc reads as if you aren't an employee - you are. As others have said you Re being employed and parents set rules. Within reason they can move boundaries on what you do/how you work (just like my employer can). If you dont want to work this way then the job isn't for you.

Original poster
vstressednanny · 14/10/2011 22:48

hi all!

firstly thanks for all your input, much appreciated!
I just wanted to clarify that when I took the role on I was assured that parents wouldnt be around, they would be "out" at their company office to work, I was very clear that I dont mind them working from home if they keep them self to them self and not interfer with our day. Its quite nice to have an adult to talk to every now and then!
I think a sole charge nanny is just that, on a daily basis it is my duty to make sure that the baby is looked after, attends age appropriate activites, maintains a good routine and is happy!
Mum isnt worried about clean clothes every five mins and most get worn until they are either grubby or smelly.
I also had the conversation that its ok for them to say hi and just pop in for a couple of mins, so the little one gets used to it. There is a difference to this and asking why the baby is unhappy when i say no or leave the room, I am not the type to have her in my arms all the while and to ask every time or pick her up when i leave the room - whats going to happen when its just me and baby?!!
Nick - there is very often nothing for me to do, I dont need to clean, washing I get told off if i do and its not a full load, with 1 baby and not wearing many clothes it takes ages! I have batched cooked upto date, bedroom/clothes all sorted and tidy, toys tidy (she only has 2 small boxes)
Its highly unlikely they will have another child, dad has others from another marriage so doesnt want more.
As for my stress levels...I actually have a medical condition as the result of having my DS, it comes and goes depending on how "life" is at this time.Funnily enough I do have music on to break the silence but as they work from home, they are always asking me to be quiet as they on calls! (hard to keep a 3yr old boy quiet all day, unfair of them to ask!)
They leave a generous kitty, happy for me to have lunch at Costa if I fancy a change etc, so good in that way.
I just dont feel they have been totally honest about the amont of time they are at home and how they would like it to work when they are.
When my DS was a yr old, I worked as a mothers help, had a fab time, because they were truthful, the job met my expectations and we are now very good friends even though i dont work there...so i am capable of working as a team when needed!

just one other point, my DS toys and food was at work rather than dragging it all out to the car and back again in the morning, seems pointless as normally he gets straight up and into the car for work...hence I had orgainsed what I needed ahead of time and left at work. Not a lot to ask is it...for notice of change in hrs, routine or anything else?Oh to top things off, call first thing asking me to go in again asap........they needed some stuff from my car....grrr I could have left that too, had I of known!!!

thanks guys
x

OP posts:
NannyNat · 14/10/2011 22:37

I had a similar problem (i have no where near as much experience as you but that wasn't really the issue)
I think its best to talk again to them, although yes she is he mum and whatnot she is paying you and trusting you to look after her child, at the end of the day her being there is likely to only make her more anxious because she will hear every whimper or tantrum or whatever.
I think you should just say look i don;t feel comfortable and that you can't give the child all of your skills that you have, and use all the experience you have gained to its full potential because you feel like they are watching you.
At the end of the day if its something she doesn't want to hear then it probably isn't the right family to be working for, and you should just think that maybe there is another family that will benefit from your services a bit better. Good luck, hope it all works out vstressednanny

nannynick · 14/10/2011 20:17

I feel that you seem to view sole charge as meaning you are in full control all the time. Maybe you don't see it that way, but that's how it's coming across as I read it.

Your employers are in charge, even when they are not there. They are certainly in charge when they are physically present. Whilst you are responsible for the care of their child, if parents are around it's natural for them to be wanting to do some things. Their work commitments may prevent that but I find that parents will try to use some of the time with their child/children - such as doing the school run, doing bathtime, giving a feed.

I suspect it is very hard to convey what it's like at the house when you and a parent is around. Writing on here may not give every reader the same impression and thus some may see it as being a big issue and others will not.

Maybe what you need to do is look at how you can make the most of the situation. If a parent wants to take over, let them. Gives you some time to catch up with another task - like putting the washing on but you say that doesn't happen that much (wait till they have 3 or 4 children, wash loads will go on several times a day).

Is the medication you are on due to the stress of the job? If so then I would see that as being a sign that something is going badly wrong with you. Look at everything in your life, not just the job. See if you can pinpoint what is causing whatever it is (stress?) that you are needing the medication to help. Relax, as you know from your experience with children, if you are stressed the children react to that. So try to chill out a bit, have relaxing music on, may help relax you and the baby.

Karoleann · 14/10/2011 13:31

I'd look for a new job, you're obviously not suited to any sort of role where the parents are around. I suspect your employers are feeling the same way.

SuiGeneris · 14/10/2011 13:22

What pinkpeony said. It is their child, it's natural to want to comfort him- you, as an adult in a caring profession, should be able to dominate your emotions and work in a way that fits with your employers' parenting style. If you cannot, then it is time to change jobs.
I am often surprised at how many nannies seem to think, at least on fora such as these, that they run the show and the parents are interfering. In any other job, the boss/company calls the shots and if you don't like it you leave. Why should it be different for nannies?

FWIIW, we do have a nanny and I work from home-in the study all the time except for lunch. I leave nanny to get on with it but also ask for things to be done in a certain way etc- same as I do with my team at work. It is called "managing", not interfering.
Sorry, probably a bit harshly worded, but you need to know how others see it.

Gigondas · 14/10/2011 12:38

As employer who does work at home I generally leave nanny to get on with it (go in office and stay there except at lunch). That said dd is older so less crying- I am about to go on ml with no 2 so will be more involved with crying baby . However I know that this can be an issue so will agree a day plan with nanny so she knows what her sc role is (ie I might be there but if she is lookin after baby she deals with it and If me I do).

I think the role needs discussing as if it isn't sc that needs spelling out. How has it worked in previous jobs when parents around?

The Criticisms are petty (re veg) so handled that wrong . And late text annoying but I know I can forget to tell nanny stuff sometimes.

But if it is stressing you this much maybe another role is better. You have enough experience to know what suits.

NotTheBlinkingGruffaloAgain · 14/10/2011 10:28

I just think you're not compatible with them, the criticism she offered you was petty and I would try to find a family to nanny for that have had a nanny before, 1st time nanny families are so difficult, they don't have boundaries and don't always understand the subtle things that put pressure on the nanny esp. feeling like you're not trusted. Good luck I feel your pain

PosieIsSaggySacForLemaAndPigS · 14/10/2011 10:09

It's their child, sure, but it seems they that are thinking about themselves more than the child.

pinkpeony · 14/10/2011 10:05

They are the parents! Ultimately it is up to them to decide how they want their child to be cared for. Even though you have lots of experience as a nanny, the parents have the ultimate say in anything to do with their child. Of course if the mother is home she wants to see her child and go to her when she cries, that is completely natural - it would be unnatural if she didn't. Now what might be the case is that the job is turning out differently from what you expected at the start - the parents are home more often than you expected and give you more input than you expected, and if you don't get along with the parents when they are home, that is a problem. And imagine what would happen if they were to have a 2nd DC and mum was home on maternity leave. Would you get along with her then and like your job? Maybe it's not the right job for you - sounds like the parents are more hands-on here than what you are used to.

eurycantha · 14/10/2011 09:35

I am with you on this one,I went on another thread where the mother was popping up when the child was playing up but that was an Au Pair who had only been there ten days I was with the mum on that one.You are a nanny with eighteen years experience and would be expected to be able to cope with a crying baby,that is after all what they pay you for.I think these parents should realise that their baby would probably be happier being able to get used to you without them keep popping in.Toddlerama ,usually parents who are home would ignore their child ,knowing we are there to comfort the child,if the children have hurt themselves I would go up and tell the parent at home what has happened .I do think though that you have here parents who probably have never had a nanny [Or employed anyone before ]and to hear your baby crying would automatically send them off to check that their baby is ok.Experienced employers soon learn ,[after two or three nannies have left] that there is a nice way to tell us we are not doing certain things as they would like,She does seem a little picky to me ,my boss is so pleased any time Ive done the washing ,yours should be glad that you are doing it .At twelve o clock at night most nannies I know would be in bed ,Apart from Blondes maybe,I would not have seen the message and would have gone off to work as usual.An experienced boss would often ask if you had arranged anything for the day.Speak to her again before she loses you.Ask her how she is feeling and does she know when she is going back to work,why is DB home as well ,he hasnt been ill.They hired you as sole charge and at the moment you are not .

Original poster
vstressednanny · 14/10/2011 08:59

sorry yes, sc is just that sc!! othrwise the baby will learn that if they cry when mum around, she comes running..its not sobbing, in pain..just a whingy cry because i was changing a nappy!
the whole point of sc is that i can deal with this, baby is fine, just being sensative, they have to get used to others doing things slightly diffrently.
they also seem to have misinformed me about how often they work at home, i dont mind parents around once in a blue moon, its their house but interferring is too much!
sorry toddle!

OP posts:
toddlerama · 14/10/2011 08:53

I can't really see that she's done anything wrong Confused

I have never used a nanny though, so possibly I am just clueless. Do you really expect the parents to ignore their crying baby when they are at home because you are rostered on as the sole carer??

3littlefrogs · 14/10/2011 08:52

It isn't working is it?

Maybe another job is the answer?