Nanny giving notice while I'm pregnant - AIBU?

YABVVVVVU. The reference thing us extremely petty and mean and I can't believe you would even consider doing anything so nasty. She is perfectly entitled to leave when her notice period ends.

Dont you think that the OP just blew it all up and has since calmed down in the later post. I think she is just panicking and as most of us could manage with ease a lot of women cannot just as I probably could not do her daytime job.

If you think you can get away with doing something like that verbally, believe me, you might get a nasty shock to find out your words have been passed on to the former nanny.

Just wrong.

If she has been a good nanny, and you have had no cause to discipline her, then you are bang out of order to defame her in a reference and you may find yourself on the losing side of an employment tribunal.

Saying anything in the reference, verbal or otherwise, is nasty and cruel. And if you do, hopefully whoever that other person is will disregard such snitty comments.

Couldn't you ask your friend's 19 year old daughter (who sometimes babysits for you when your nanny isn't available) to help you out on an ad hoc basis? She already knows your DS, and you.

By the way, are you not worried that you may be putting potential replacement nannies off? I know that if I was job searching (I'm not) in London in October and I came across an ad for position caring for a 2.5 year old and a newborn, I'd be a bit wary of applying after reading what you intend to do with her reference. Just a thought.

I was thinking about this a bit more today.

I don't know what you do professionally, but consider the following scenario. You are an excellent and highly skilled practioner and could get a fabulous job anywhere with ease. Your employer turns around and says, the company is undergoing some major restructuring because I thought it would take us in some really interesting directions. Your existing responsibilities will remain, but I want you to undertake three times those original responsibilities plus line manage all the individuals concerned, who don't know one another and will inevitably clash and need to establish boundaries/territories. Your job is to ensure they do that tactfully and positively. Oh, and you will also have two sets of bosses to report to instead of one, and those boses won't give a monkeys about the needs/desires of the other boss' teams, just their own. And instead of being wholly autonomous, one of those bosses will be around in person watching you work for almost a year.

Fancy it? Prefer to take one of those other enticing jobs you know you could take? Well, if you gave a really good amount of notice, so that they could replace you in reasonable time, then would you really think it fair of the employer to feel betrayed to the point that they considered screwing up your reference?

You do seem to feel like, well, my responsibilities are changing, why ca't hers? This isn't easy for me either. But that's the thing - they're your responsibilities because this is your life. It isn't her life. It's just her job. A nanny invests emotionally in her charges and they in her, and so of course the parents will too. But it is, still, just a job. You've lost sight of that.

I can not beleive after all she has done for your family and giving her notice (which she has the right to do) in good time, you would even consider writing something so potentially damaging in her references, I think you are acting like a princess because you aren't getting what you want.

You will be fine.

You will have two children

I am sure you and your OH will manage.

She is your Nanny, not your serf.

you will be on maternity leave by the time she leaves so you can look after your own ds and at 2.5 he should be quite capable of helping you out when it gets tough
I am an ex nanny and 34 weeks pregnant with a 19 month old and managing just about although my ds is very active and i am in pain at the moment but have to get on with it
It could also be that your nanny prefers sole charge and doesnt fancy working when you are off as it so much harder

what about a mother's help for a few weeks or a student needing experience?

I think its come as a bit of a shock and once you have time to digest it it wont seem so bad.I suspect she has deliberately done it so that you have finished work by time notice ends,she was probably thinking this was good compromise rather than leaving before you had started mat leave.
Maybe offer an incentive to stay til date you are happier with?

I see where you're coming from OP.

I'm a nanny and have been in a similar situation. I had planned to leave at the end of my 1 year contract, but then MB was pregnant again, due date a month before I was due to leave. Plus they were living in temp accommadation because their house was being extended. I stayed an extra 2 months, which gave MB time to get over a c-section, the older children time to adjust, the house was finished and a I was able to help with finding a new nanny.

I live-in and I do feel you become more than an employee. I don't think it is unreasonable to ask (or even expect) her to stay a few extra weeks to help with the transition of a new baby.

HOWEVER,

Although she may feel like more than an employee she isn't. She has every right to work her notice and leave. The reference thing would be just nasty (though I see you've said you won't give her a bad ref now).

In terms of how you should raise it with her...flattery gets you everywhere! Tell her how important she is to you and DS, how much better you'd feel if she'd stay etc. Also maybe ask if there's anything in particular making her want to leave (I agree with others that she may not want to be around with you at home full-time). If you make it clear you'll leave her to it and just need a bit of time to put your feet up she may reconsider.

I think OP you sopund a bit hormonal. Do not panic I am sure you will cope you will probably enjoy this special time together. Just hire a cleaner and enjoy your children.

Your nanny has a life just as you do.

If she doesn't finish until you have gone on maternity leave then she's not exactly leaving you in the lurch.

It's quite possible to be hugely pregnant and look after a 2.5 year old you know - whilst tiring for you it won't kill him to read books, watch CBeebies and play in the same room as you for a few weeks until you have the baby and your DH is at home with you.

You would be SO out of order to give her a snidey reference, and you should accept graciously that she has given you a notice date beyond that which she is required to do.

Crikey ruining her reference is just plain nasty - this is actually a very simple case of you not getting your own way and putting your needs above those of someone else - you may feel you have the moral high ground with this but you did change her terms very drastically.

Lots of us cope with more than one child: look at it as character building rather than chucking your toys out of the pram because you cannot have exactly what you want.

I think the release might mean the op works for a software company. Software is 'released'

Get an au pair to help you out during mat leave. And during that time train her to be a nanny and then promote her to live in nanny when you return to work. This will save you gobs of money in the long run.

I once had a nanny resign just before I was going to have my second child. I asked her to say an extra month to concide wtih starting my mat leave. She did. I was relieved. But, of course, she would have had every right to decline. This is not convenient for you, but don't lose sight of the fact that she is an employee and bound only to those terms which are laid out in the contract and/or in employment law.

Perhaps you might want to consider a two month notice period next time?

FWIW My cousin had a nanny who recently gave notice to leave the week before my cousin was moving house and 3 weeks before she was due to give birth to twins! Not ideal (big understatement!), but it was her right as an employee to decide she didn't want her working conditions changing so dramatically (from sole charge of almost 3yr old, to joint care for her plus new twins - then to sole care for all 3 after her ML ended). They decided to put the older child in nursery rather than get a new nanny straight away - I don't know if thats an option for you?

It is hard mentally thinking about how you'll care for more than 1 child - perhaps especially so if you're used to having help around the house? I'm assuming the nanny did some nursery duties? Perhaps you could care for the 2 children yourself but get a cleaner/housekeeper/doula in (easier and less emotive to recruit?) to help in other ways?

Yes I was wondering that too,

what's an "important release"?

What do you think you'll do OP? Will you get a temp nanny/baby sitter? If you're in London I can suggest a few places to try.

Could your Dh take a week's annual leave straight after paternity leave giving you all 3 weeks together? That extra week can make all the difference.

It sounds to me like you need to be in control and know what's happening to feel comfortable (sound familiar?) so I think once there's a firm plan in place you'll feel better and think less emotionally about the situation and more logically.

OMG

why would you ruin a reference for a perfectly good nanny?

She has given you notice, she is prepared to work it.
She has her own life too and if she decided to give notice and leave then she can and it should NOT affect her reference.

You better hope she doesnt come on here and work out you are her boss, otherwise id expect her to be leaving in 4 weeks time regardless of what she previously thought.

I expect she knows that you finish on 7 October so thought in her mind she could work until then.
(not many nannies particularly like their bosses around full time as children do generally play up more and make life a lot harder than when parents are out of the house at work)

and maybe your DH should be the one insisting is PL is when he / you want / need it to be. (though i appreciate he probably has no legal right to insist it either) Its really not your nannies responsibility to think about caring for you all immediately after baby is born, while your DH just goes to work....

Just to throw something else into the mix here - maybe the nanny prefers to work sole charge (a lot do) and so is wanting to leave once you are finished work and will be in the home all of the time. Sole charge and shared care jobs are very different, the dynamics change hugely - ask any nanny that has done both.

"I know that looking after multiple children is very different to looking after one, again I have no issue with her not being interested in changing her role to a nanny-sharing one. It is going to be an equal change for me too - changing from looking after one to two, and I do think it's quite usual to be apprehensive about the change as a parent."

I think that right there is why you're struggling. You are equating your decision to expand your family with her employment situation. You are comparing asking someone to accept seriously adverse changes to their terms and conditions of employment, with your decision to have another baby and expand your family. I honestly don't think the two are comparable in any way or on any level. At some level you don't see her as an employee, whose labour you are purchasing. You really do seem to see her as a member of your family. But you have control over family size etc and she just doesn't - she won't be there in ten years, they aren't her kids and it isn't her life choice. A newborn in the house is a hell of a stressful time for everyone, and while I do absolutely understand why you want her there to help you ease that passage it does seem a huge ask of someone who is already leaving.

You've clearly indicated that she is a great nanny, from the fact you are so sure having here in the house with you around the time you give birth would be a great boon. I think that means you owe her a glowing reference, yes.

I do sympathise, though. It's such a hugely emotional and stressful time, late pregnancy, and you wouldn't be human if you weren't anxious about a nanny change being flung into the mix. It's one more massive shift in how your family functions, and obviously you must be bothered by how it will affect your eldest at a vulnerable time, too. Really hope it all works out for you and you find a new nanny who meets your family's needs really well.

I think you've got a bit locked in to life with a nanny tbh. Of course you can manage your ds when heavily pregnant - this website is full of people who do that. Ask for tips. Equally most people find themselves coping with toddler and newborn alone. Again - ask for tips.

You seem to feel your nanny has let you down. She really hasn't. She is entitled to leave when she wishes as she has given you ample notice. Is there any chance you've been a bit tetchy recently? Late pregnancy can make people a mite grumpy.

Your maternity leave - so are you working till 38 weeks? I think you need to gird your loins and put your health and your ds before your team. Go on maternity leave - you are v pregnant, the baby could arrive at any point and you will be worn out by then. The working world will keep turning without you. Your family world is far more dependant on you.