I have read a book thats got me scared.....How not to F*** them up Oliver James

I always wonder about this. Maybe someone has already said it on this thread. But if it's lacking 1:1 care that is harming these babies, what about mothers of triplets with a dh who works full time and can't afford extra help? That's care with a ratio of 1:3 same age, just like a nursery.

I think Oliver James is very anxious to tell mothers They Are Doing It All Wrong (and to make money out of it). He has admitted somewhere that his views are coloured by his own experience of being sent to boarding school as a very young child, IIRC. He cherry picks research that suits his arguments and completely ignores all the limitations of that research.

He has a point about the other end of life, wrt care for people with Alzheimer's, but that's because he has a MIL who is a dementia specialist and quotes her work. (He is entirely justified in quoting her work, btw, not arguing with that, just saying the only time he's right is when he's quoting a different person.)

I'm with the "Fling the book in the bin" camp. There are good and bad nurseries and day care everywhere.
Pop in to places unexpectedly, chat to the staff, ask how long they've been there and if they like it. Go with your gut instinct.

As far as I'm concerned, it's like the whole breastfeeding bottle feeding debate. It is undeniable that breastmilk is the best food for infants BUT it is likely that formula fed babies will grow up just as healthy so don't beat yourself up about it. I do not believe any man can tell women how best to bring up children.

Yes, I agree Brainsurgeon, 3 days is great, I kept telling myself that DD had the majority of her time at home.

OP, both you and your DD will be aboslutely fine, just make sure you're very happy with the nursery - totally agree with other posters, it has to be very good quality childcare

I work full time and went for a childminder (thinking 1-to-1 care) but soon regretted it, I think a nursery would have been better for my DS (long story, won't bore you)

3 days a week in nursery means you get 4 days with your DD - that's fantastic balance, a lot of mums (me included) would love to have that...

Also, none of the nurseries kept or published records of sick absence rates, which were also sky-high. in 18 months our (generally healthy) DD had 8 weeks off nursery sick.

Meant 1 - 2.5 years, not months!!!

Having had DD1 in two Ofsted "outstanding" nurseries from age 1 - 2 and a half months would say that people sometimes underplay the problems for tiny kids in nurseries. We chose nursery because it was convenient, cheaper than the other options, open 51 weeks a year and it felt safer to rely on a group of people than just one, unsupervised person, and the local childminders all seemed to mind large numbers of kids.

This was in London.

Turnover was very high (though when we looked round all the nurseries claimed they had low turnover - no data is published) and I think it was highly stressful for DD1. She was stoical about it, but never happy. She is now 3 (has had some time at home while I've been on maternity leave) and fine (but having problems settling at a new (and much nicer) nursery in another area for her free EYFS hours).

It was telling to visit unannounced at odd times. A friend of mine who works weird hours deliberately collects his kids from nursery in the middle of the day and is often unhappy with what he sees.

I knew several parents whose kids were at the same nurseries who emphasised that their child loved it there, when they often seemed to look miserable and lost. I'm in the camp of parents who acknowledge that it isn't ideal, but is "good enough" (although sometimes I doubt it and I do feel guilty).

The new nursery is much better because the staff have all been there years, but I still see the babies crying and looking lost.

Am currently trying to arrange something different for both DCs when I return to work.

go girl.. with a mum obviously as caring as you are you dd will be just fine..

Poor quality nursery care is damaging, large numbers of children in a limited space and high child:staff ratios have been shown to be very stressful, high staff turnover and poorly trained staff is obviously a problem.

So, visit nurseries with those things in mind. Ask how long the staff have been with the group/nursery, check the number of babies in the room (personally I would avoid a baby room with more than 6 babies), ask if they have staff above the required ratio 1:3 or do they only have the legal minimum, find out what quals the staff have. And definitely visit some childminders too.

Spagbolagain in high quality settings your comments are quite right but there are enough settings where this continuity of care is not considered important for it to be worth ensuring that parents aren't making assumptions.

Parents should check the ethos in their nursery, ask specific questions and expect full and frank answers. A child might not suffer significant harm from being denied the opportunities to build secure relationships but I would still be upset to think of my baby feeling stressed on a daily basis because I didn't ask the right questions.

Reality is that there are many high quality settings and there are a fair few for whom the well-being of the children is not always the highest priority. That goes for all sorts of settings.

I'm not being a judgy-pants. I have seen it with my own eyes.

i think basically whether you choose childminder or nursery you just need to go with your gut instinct. Visit nurseries, visit childminders, ask lots of questions, check out the atmosphere and whether the kids seem busy/happy or just running about in chaos. And Orangecloud made the good point that once your dd has started, if things don't seem right you don't have to put up with it you can move her. FWIW I use a childminder, the first one I found from the council list and she looked after my dd1 for over 4 years, and dd2 for over a year, she was wonderful and only stopped because her husband was very ill. Just check out all the options and go with your instincts.

Mindees obviously, not 3 minds.

Don't forget that in a nursery it will usually be 3-1 care with the youngest children, which is the same as if you had 3 children and were SAHM or a minder with 3 minds! As long as your child has a key worker and maybe one or 2 others they can build a bond with, it's not so very different from a numbers POV. I think people sometimes view nurseries as a mass of kids with a bunch of faceless, constantly changing adults. Reality is that they operate in small teams who all know your child, and 1 special individual who is their key worker. My DS is 19mo, nursery 4days, happy, confident and thriving.

Yes, bin the book!

If you could see me, I would be rolling my eyes at Oliver James. He has an opinion, but that is all it is. Being a psychologist doesn't make you an expert on nursery care and as someone else has pointed out, he writes not from the position of "Is it good or bad, lets look for both" but "Its bad, lets look for proof".

My DS went to a childminder and a nursery, doing a few days at both. My DD has a childminder and will start nursery last this year too. Both are lovely, happy children. DSD went to nursery from a young age and is not doing well at Uni.

As a mum its easy enough to feel guilty all of the time without reading that stuff. Bin it!

Burn the book.

Delete it all from your head, it is complete tripe.

Get some sleep.

Your DD will be fine in nursery. End of.

never heard of him love...

i have 4 dcs, 2 just out of teens one in teens and one 12 year old... childmind 4 children a day so have lots of experience with kids... my advice is,

1..stop reading any books about child care.. they are not designed to help you but to make the author money. there is no professional guidance as all kids are individuals...

nursery will not screw up your dd or being with a a cm neither would you do that as a sahm or a working mum.. whose to say whats best!!!! you need to work so end of.. dont torture yourself..

2.. you will never get it all right.. can you imagine what an insufferable bore the 'perfect parent' would be...

3.. there will always be rocks on the road, you will climb over them with your dcs and hit new ones, some big some small but together you will beat them..

4 dont take it all too seriously, have a laugh with your dcs, love them to bits, get proper control of the toddlers and you will have control of them as teens..

5 the baby and toddler years are by far the easiest time you will ever have as a parent...

6 do what works best for you and your dcs and ignore any other helpful advice..

smile, enjoy, kids are supposed to be fun so enjoy them...

You are right, anyone can write a book. He has degrees in psychology, I think, but it doesn't mean he isn't biased. Some of his stuff is very emotive and extrapolates things that aren't there. A good nursery will do just fine. Smaller group care is often considered better, so ring around a lot of childminders if you think that would be better for you. Lots of people prefer nurseries because then the children are never left on their own with one adult for a long time.

I think Oliver James only saw bad nurseries. My kids don't get yelled at or watch cbeebies all day at nursery . Much more fun to be playing than being grumped at by me.

I agree that a good nursery with a low turn over of staff for 3 days a week is very very unlikely to cause harm to your daughter -I have known loads of kids who have been to nursery that are thriving
however I did choose a childminder for my DCs partly because of various research - not so much Oliver James but other studies - ( I don't like OJ as I resent men telling women to stay at home - which is what is comes down to effectively -I know its a bit more complicated than that) - - and in general I liked the idea of continuity of care - most nurseries would change carers at least once or twice in the time a child is there although that does varies - and just one person caring for my child (at nurseries even if there is a key worker system there will be times when someone else is looking after them)
It also turned out to be cheaper and more flexible
I didn't know any childminders when I choose mine - just got a list from the council - rang them up and interviewed a few - if you are concerned do visit a few - it will clarify things for you I am sure - it is really a case of personal preference as much as anything

Keyworkers don't necessarily change every few months in a nursery Beryl. DS had 3 in his time at nursery (4.5 months to 5yr 3m) and kept seeing them all during that time