My 'non smoker' au pair isn't a non smoker after all

"He's not fabulous, or I might try and work through it"

This and the atmosphere is what really is at the heart of the matter.

We have had niggles with our current aupair. Iin fact the first one wasn't too disimilar to the situation you describe. Our aupair had put down non-smoker in her form. I then sw pictures of her smoking on facebook before she arrived. I just mentioned smoking in an email and she came clean saying that just like your aupair she was trying to give up. I took the stance that I appreciated her honesty and would rather we know, but that she shouldn't smoke around the kids. I felt by making it an issue she would smoke in secret (like I used to as a teenager). Our aupair didn;t give up, smokes outside, not while she's in sole charge of the kids, but must smoke about 15 a day.

I accept this and other niggles because she's a lovely girl and a fantastic aupair.

If he's sulky and a rubbish aupair- then that's the reason for him to leave

Looks like he's already going/gone ? You can ignore my post. Hope you find a better one soon.

I agree, you should let him go.

Problem is you've probably paid agency fees /deposit already for say 3 or 6 months ? For this guy, so if you let him go, depending on the agency you may or may not get a refund.

I'd advice ringing the agency ASAP, to say au air lied on form so you can get a refund before time runs out (some won't refund after 10days!) or they can replace him with another au pair at no additional cost.

You are probably required to give him notice as well, either way you've got to move fast.

Hmmm, DIOM technically I don't think an action prior to commencement of employment can be called Gross Misconduct, however if you state that being a non-smoker is a requirement of the job during the application process (and also in the contract) and the applicant falsely states that he meets this requirement, this is grounds for summary dismissal (ie without notice or pay in lieu).

Well done for doing that, it isn't a pleasant thing for anyone, but I think it was the right thing to do. You seem remarkably calm but I am sure it is causing you a lot of stress too - hope you find someone else soon.

OP, I see he's leaving. Good. Ignore my post. .

He probably had all intention of stopping smoking when he filled in the application form but his resolve to quit is obviously faltering. It's a struggle to quit smoking and in many cases it takes several attempts to quit altogether. I know this from personal experience.

However, smoking is a deal breaker for me. I do not like anyone smoking in my house, outside my house and in the garden. I always smell it on people's clothes and if someone has gone out to the pub and smoked then returned to my house I can smell it.

If the au pair was mine then the fact that he is still smoking (even though he is trying to quit) would be the end of the line for me. I would not want him to be near my children. The fact that he also became sulky etc would also piss me off. I would ask him to leave as per contract.

Unfortunately this is all too common, to date about 50% of my non-smokers have actually been non-smokers. Part of the problem is that some agencies and advisors tell applicants to put down non-smoker and then deal with it when they get there.

Where I have found out that we have a smoker then it is no where near the house and no where near the kids.

My contract also specifies that lying on your application and associate AP questionaire constitutes Gross Misconduct and can be subject to instant dismissal.

He lied to get a job working with children because he knew that if he declared he was a smoker he would have trouble finding an au pair job. He was hoping once he had settled into the job he could gradually bend the rules. Although its a shame I would probably get rid before he gets too settled and the children get to like him too much.

he lied to you and then gets stroppy

thought to be fair, if he wanted to smoke on his day off, he can and not need ask your permission, just as you can sack him

as it'll make the atmosphere a whole lot worse until he leaves!

Yep, but in the long run it sounds like you're better off without him. As you imply, an aupair is there to help out - not someone you need to avoid...

We had to get rid of an aupair once, we all sat down and very calmly and matter-of-factly went through what we weren't happy with and why we wanted her to go. Luckily she was perfectly reasonable and we let her stay until she found another family.

Good luck

MrsMopple: that's just silly of him :/ But I do see where he's coming from, I felt the same way, the only reason I ended up with an electric ciggi was because a housemate of mine brought one near Christmas last year and I tried it, I wouldn't have been convinced otherwise.

I hope you find somebody to replace him who is caring and without an attitude! It's sad that you've gotten to the point where you aren't comfortable in your own home because of him :(

YANBU. He lied in his application form and he seems disinterested in your views on his habits. He's taking advantage of your good nature. He'd have to be fabulous in all other respects of his childcare for me to overlook his screw-you attitude.

I don't think you're being unreasonable, like the others said, he lied. I done the same thing when I became a live-in by putting non-smoker on my form when I did smoke, however I did quit the minute they picked me up and lasted most of the year I was there without a cigarette. If he was serious about working with kids he'd stop because he'd know how it effects them.

If he's good otherwise, see if he knows about the electric cigarettes, they have been a life-saver for me, I'm having two real ones a day atm and relying on my electric cigarette which is great and harmless to others around you.

sorry, but I don't like his attitude and his lies.

As with others this is a deal breaker for me. What does your contract say? It is such a deal breaker for me I have smoking as an immediate termination of employment in my contract.

Get rid. He lied on his form, refuses to see why this a problem (I mean you have to wonder what else he has lied about - he clearly doesn't feel any guilt about it!) and has an attitude problem towards you.
You don't need the hassle.

YANBU

I would say there is no smoking on my property, anywhere during contracted working hours, and at any time when my children can see you.

Being an au pair is more that being an employee in a workplace. He is part of your home and family life and the things he does off duty will influence your children as much as what he does when he is on duty. If he is not prepared to live up to reasonable expectations of a role model for young children, he has no business being an au pair.

I also agree with comments about sulkiness. No on.. and would not be tolerated on my watch.

I think you need to draw a line in the sand loud and clear. Take contron in no uncertain terms and if he doesn't like it, show him the door. You will be very miserable if you let him boss you around.

Yes, he came to ask you, and you said no. End of. There shouldn't be an issue here.

It's obvious that having a non-smoking au pair is very important for you and you have let him know this. He also applied for the job knowing this. He shouldn't have the hump now that you are redrawing a line that was already obviously there.

I'd offer him help again - Local GP and/or big pharmacy could advise on smoking cessation - but if I got more attitude, would start looking for another au pair. Shame.

I think you've been straight with him, but now you have to be clear about what you expect. Personally I'd explain again that the smoking issue is very important to you, and if he can't quit completely, he will need to move on. I imagine he just can't really understand why its a big issue - which in itself suggests you won't be able to trust him about this.

He lied to you, and then he is acting as if you're the one being unreasonable. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. It's your house, so whether or not he smokes around the house or garden (regardless of what the kids are doing) should be your call. Even if you manage to resolve this smoking issue, I am sure you'll come up with another issue sooner or later, given his disrespectful attitude.

For me, the major problem would not be the smoking.

It would be the attitude.

sulky face, shrugging at you, arguing with you?

Those are things that would make me ask him to leave.