Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Original poster

can't believe nanny has just done this. Help before I self combust with rage.

114 replies

motherpeculiar · 26/10/2005 14:22

some of you may remember I had a few teething probs with new nanny a while back - we had a review and she seemed to have taken on board what I said and be getting better. We have been feeling quite happy with her in general.

However DH has just phoned from home - he is working from home today - it is my first day back in the office to tell me that nanny has just left the house with DD2 for a walk in the park, BUT LEFT DD1 AT HOME
Dh has now put her watching cbeebies while he tries to get on with work

wtf?????

She is contracted to look after both kids. Ok DH is at home and she mentioned this to him beforehand (but he thought she was joking, and just using this as a ploy to get DD1 to hurry and get ready) but this is outrageous.

Any ideas on an approach to take? I am tempted to call her mobile and find out what the hell she is thinking of but DH doesn't want any confrontation until we have DD2 safe and home.

DD1 can be slow to get ready to go out and difficult (she is three afterall) but surely nanny needs to find strategies for this rather than just leaving her behind in the house.

I have to admit, I am completely gobsmacked. If we had cover I think I would fire her today for gross misconduct.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
Original poster
motherpeculiar · 26/10/2005 22:09

thanks everyone

I'm waxing and waning on this still - I HATE confrontation, and hate to feel unreasonable, and she seems like a nice woman, but I just have to face the fact that she is not doing the job.
SHe has been with us over 6 weeks and I have already had a gentle one to one review with her where I gave her ideas on how to "manage" DD1, including such difficult to think up strategies as painting/sticking/baking/park etc etc etc. Again and again I am amazed at how disinterested she seems in DD1. This morning when she arrived at the house for example (she is live out) she went straight to DD2, gushed over her, picked her up, cuddled, took her upstairs to be changed and gave DD1 a cursory "hello". There just doesn't seem to be the warmth there. DD2 is only 6months old fgs, if anyone can afford a tiny bit of ignoring for the sake of building relationships with the kids it is her (not that I'd advocate it really but ykwim).

I agree that this is probably not gross misconduct as DH was in the house, although not sure it couldn't be construed as "neglect" as she hadn't checked with DH that he was able to mind DD1, for all she knew he might have been heading out 5 mins later. "neglect" is a sackable offence in our contract. "Incompetence", which is the picture I think we are really getting, is worthy of disciplinary action. Now I need to determine whether I need to do the full verbal, written warning then dismissal or go straight for dismissal which Soapbox suggests I can do as she's not been with us that long. I am with Nannypaye will call them tomorrow and ask.

God, I hate to let anyone go without giving them a second chance (although if I am honest I suppose would be third in her case), but I am starting to think no matter how many chances it's not going to work.

Shame, she is so good with the baby too

btw the 12quid per hour is 7 an hour into hand plus taxes and NI. It is what her other employers pay her. We only have her 7 hours a day as we can't afford any more at that rate!!!

OP posts:
orangina · 26/10/2005 21:59

MP I hope you are having a giant glass of wine while you browse through gumtree....! I think the others are right, she WILL have to go. Our nanny (who we feel v lucky to have, is fab and loves dd, and who we pay nothing like £12/hour), has a nanny cousin (Australian) coming back to the UK from Germany looking for work apparently. Haven't met her, have no idea what she is like, but ours is a gem (so far, touch wood!). CAT me if I can help...

soapbox · 26/10/2005 21:56

bigdonna - it will be £8-9 net, but that equates to around £12 gross. And as everyone else in the world talks gross numbers other than nannies I suspect this is what MP means.

The £8-9 an hour is what she will get net, in her hand!

hoolagirl · 26/10/2005 21:49

Uhhhhm, not a nanny and do not employ one either, but leaving a 3yr old behind in the house while she goes out is what I would call gross misconduct (and if dh wasnt there, downright illegal is it not wilful child neglect)
Would she still have left them if your husband wasnt home? She hasn't reassured you that she wouldnt.
I wouldnt be giving her the time to pack her clothes never mind 1 months notice!!

uwila · 26/10/2005 21:36

ok, I've looked at my nanny contract now and you are right, Soapbox, I'm talking about gross misconduct. So it just depends on how Motherpeculiar's contract has it defined.

bigdonna · 26/10/2005 21:34

where are you mp that you pay so much money.i thought in wimbledon the going rate was £8-9 an hour.maybe if you ask her to give you a list of activities to do with your dd like mondays-painting am park pm.tuesday-sticking,cutting pictures from mags am park pm.if weather bad make cakes.wednesday-puzzles etc .i had never found any child in my care ever not wanting to go to the park,she needs to encourage her with feeding ducks( if there are any) going to swings .i think in one of your last threads you said you only worked 3 days.its not hard to entertain a three yr old in fact its so much easier than over fives.hope you work it out.

uwila · 26/10/2005 21:31

Soapbox, I thought those were the terms if you were letting her go due to no fault of her own. Not because she is actually being fired for not doing the job.

soapbox · 26/10/2005 21:05

Doesn't matter Uwila - under the terms of the contract you have to give the notice period unless it constitutes gross misconduct.

As I said, you can pay her off now - with the notice period and get someone else in.

It is crap, agreed but it is the law, which of course was not written to deal with these kind of domestic situations!

HappyMumof2 · 26/10/2005 21:02

Message withdrawn

hunkerpumpkin · 26/10/2005 20:58

MP, you could always post on nannyjob to ask for advice

uwila · 26/10/2005 20:57

But, soapbox, how can she go to work and leave her 3 year old in the care of this person? I would have to let her go and replace her immediately.

Of course I wouldn't suggest this for a nanny who was doing her job. But this person is not performing the duties she was hired to perform. Not sure whether or not this falls under "gross misconduct" but surely it's reason to get rid of her immediately.

Ok, I should add that I am in no way qualified to give legal employment advice.

soapbox · 26/10/2005 20:52

Uwila - gross misconduct is usually defined in the employment contract and I'm not sure what MP will have defined it as.

I definately would not terminate with immediate effect without taking legal advice unless it is covered exactly by the terms of the contract as constituting gross misconduct. If you use nanny tax MP, they have a legal hot line which I have used in hte past and it is very good!

hunkerpumpkin · 26/10/2005 20:51

Wasn't sure what to say when I saw this thread earlier - hard to tell whether the nanny had thought it was OK to leave DD1 with DH or not.

But I rather think there should be a new nanny in the Peculiar household soon - she sounds bloody useless! A nanny not being able to cope with a three-year-old? That's like a chef not knowing what to do with onions!

HappyMumof2 · 26/10/2005 20:47

Message withdrawn

ssd · 26/10/2005 20:47

Definately get rid of her! How can she call herself a nanny and not know how to cope with a difficult 3 year old! FGS they're all difficult!!!

And you're paying her far too much. She doesn't deserve it at all. Ok, pay that to a super duper nanny if you can afford it, but not to her.

I can't believe she left your 3 year old in as a punishment and expected your dh who was working to take care of her. Then to admit she couldn't deal with her!!!Unbelievable.

uwila · 26/10/2005 20:44

I think you can terminate her effective immediately on the basis that she has demonstrated that she is either incapable of or unwilling to do the job.

I told my nanny a brief synopsis of this story this evening, and her reaction was "if you are going to go to the park, why would you take the baby and not the 3 year old?" Exactly. Now who was going to enjoy that trip to the park... surely that was an age appropriate activity for the 3 year old.

Oh, MP, I feel for you. This is no fun -- and on your first day back at work.

soapbox · 26/10/2005 20:28

I am fairly sure that this would not constitute gross misconduct and so you will not be able to sack her.

As she has worked for you for less than one year though, you will not need to the formal disciplinary procedures as I don't think you get protection from unfair dismissal (other than for sex discrimination, racism and disability discrimination), until that year is up.

So you can tell her straight away that you are terminating her contract and pay her in leiu of notice and ask her to leave straight away or put up with her for another month while she works out her notice.

In the circumstances I would pay her and get a temp nanny from an agency until you find someone permanent!

HappyMumof2 · 26/10/2005 20:09

Message withdrawn

Original poster
motherpeculiar · 26/10/2005 20:02

well, DH spoke to her before she left in his non-confrontational style - told her he was "surprised" she had left DD1 behind. Her answer was that she hadn't known what to do with her. Not that she thought it was ok cos she had checked he was ok to mind her or anything else, but that she simply hadn't known how to cope with a 3 year olds tantrum. Now I know we can all find that a challenge (well I certainly can) but surely if you are a supposedly professional nanny you need to work out some strategies for coping with this kind of stuff - it is a large part of the territory after all. I got home about a minute before she left and didn't want to weigh in until I had spoken to DH so just asked how teh day had been. SHe said ok, but that she had gone out for walk with DD2 and left DD1 on teh stairs. SHe said she thinks we both need to leave the house for a few days, presumably so that she can break DD1 of any habits of calling on us when things are getting hard with nanny but after today I dont think I could trust her to leave her with them both.

DH has had it with nanny and is just trying to work out how to get rid. He thinks she doesn't do any planned activities with DD1 and so DD1 is very bored and acts up more than usual. We both acknowledge that DD1 can be a pain (she is a fairly "spirited" child) but she is easily enough distracted with the right techniques, which surely any decent nanny should have in their bag of tricks.

So, in all, DD1 hasn't been outside the door of our house in the two days this week nanny has been here. Nor, as far as we can make out, have their been any activities to engage her (except drawing this am which DH set up before going to home office and play dough which he set up this afternoon seeing there was nothing for DD1 to do while nanny focussed on DD2)

I think we will have to terminate her contract, which I never wanted to do, but I think if someone has admitted not being able to cope it is hard to continue.

Aaaaarrrgh!

OP posts:
binkie · 26/10/2005 15:49

Even if it is in the contract, I can easily see us being in this situation (sole charge nanny with thorough job description, two children, brainy/obtuse dh who works from home, and all) - & sometimes my dh has done some minding. Example would be a spill that means more milk needed urgently, nanny nips round the corner for more, dh minds them so's shopping trip can be quick as possible.

How is her confidence, mp? I ask because the few rocky moments we got into with one of our nannies turned out all to stem from her suddenly getting nerves about saying something, & then leaving it unsaid till it got to be an Issue. If you have an unconfident person then you might get her not feeling able to knock on dh's office door to say "did you really mean you would mind dd1".

jura · 26/10/2005 15:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

orangina · 26/10/2005 15:43

Did you sign a written contract with your nanny? Did it contain a "scope of works" for her?

uwila · 26/10/2005 15:39

Uhh... Isn't all this in her contrat. ie "...your job is sole charge of two children whilst parents work..." or something to that effect. I mean how could she miss that if she is an experienced nanny?

My nanny would never pull this stunt... NEVER (and we are her first proper nanny job).

gothicmama · 26/10/2005 15:32

it does sound like a misunderstanding to me. However I think you need to set clear ground rules with her so she understands what is required when dh is working form home and also give dh a copy so he knows as well. That way if it goes pear shaped again it can't be down to amisunderstanding

Original poster
motherpeculiar · 26/10/2005 15:27

he doesn't want to talk to her about it while DD1 is there and within earshot (also he doesn't like things like this!)

absolutely agree with the "so clever I am stupid" statement - he could well have got the wrong end of the stick, he can be obtuse at times, but I still don' t think this is on.

you are right binkie - could be what she is used to. But we are also her employers, she can't just extend rules she has at her other/previous employers to us without checking it's ok first, surely (although that is exactly what she did with the other nanny coming over - which I did agree with you all was fine in the end)

Iota, I also do that when it is me and DH. But she is a professional being paid to look after both kids. You and I are not. She needs to work on her relationship with DD1, not just favour DD2 (babe in arms and adorable, no three year old backchat from her!). I don't think this was a very good step in that direction.

I know DH should deal with this, not me, but I always seem to deal with these kinds of issues in our house. He called me at work because his jaw hit the desk when she did it and he had to offload his annoyance I suppose.

Thanks for the input. I am still mad though.

OP posts: