not happy but not sure if I'm being precious.

Hi again quotecode, :) Pre-schools will all be quite different depending on who is running them. They should all follow the Early Years Foundation Stage (EYFS if you want to google it) and the ideal is that there should be a good mix of independent activities, with a small amount of getting them used to sitting together at set times for snacks/singing/stories, so when they go to school they'll be used to 'fitting in' with other people and be able to follow what the adult asks them to do. I'd hope that the adults would be used to caring for children who are anxious about being left (many, if not most, are at some point) and will help him to settle gradually and to begin to really enjoy himself. My ideal would be that it was attached/linked to the school that he would eventually go to (this is what I hope to do with my DS - now 2.4 - when he is older), so that he will be with some of the same children and perhaps also some of the teachers when he goes to school.

Pre-schools/nurseries attached to schools also often get to share resources with the main school and they are often in larger premises than private nurseries (generalising here, but true in my experience). I'd suspect that pre-schools will be a lot less busy than he's used to - not many will have the 'half structured learning / music / drama / dance lessons' (which sounds lovely in a prospectus, but might be a bit hectic in practise?) you've mentioned and this might suit your DS better?

Regarding how different it would be in your DS' mind - I'd say that could largely be down to you and how you 'spin' it. It must have been hard to sell the CM to him, if you weren't 100% convinced about it (although it sounds like the tv won him over there ). With the new pre-school, especially if it has lovely facilities (can be anything your DS will enjoy - a sand/water tray, train set, bikes, home corner), is attached to a school or with a uniform (normally not compulsory, but the nursery kids love looking like the older ones) then it'll give you a 'hook' to sell it to him, so you can be really excited about how much fun your DS will have there. You know your DS, but would he be won over with talk of 'special new place for big boys to go?' :)

I think it'd help if he has a few weeks/months breathing space between any talk of nurseries/you leaving him and starting to explore possibilities of pre-schools, so he has time to recover his confidence. Then when you've chosen where you want him to go (and he has a place), you could take him to look round with you, so it gives him the illusion of choice about the situation.

Sorry have waffled on, but hopefully some help. :)

Agree with Tanith @ 20:57:04

Take a look yourself, Tanith, you could learn something yourself. And don't accuse me of something I didn't do. In fact, stop making this about me. I'm offering OP my opinion, she's free to take or ignore it.

You didn't "suggest" Agnetha, you patronised, lectured and insisted you knew better than QC what her son needed.

You then accused her of putting her own interests first. You couldn't have been more offensive.

Take a look at Leeloo's last post and learn something about empathy and tact, why don't you?

QC - playgroups will vary tremendously so you will need to shop around as much as you can. Some will have more structured sessions and others will be completely play based.

However, they should all be following the Early Years Foundation Stage.

Your best bet, if you can, is to find a couple and visit them and then, if time permits, maybe have a trial session and see which suits you and your son best.

We're all "anonymous wotnots", including you Tanith, and none of us know OP so can only go on the info she gives and our own experience/thoughts. She asked for advice and mine is that if such a young lad gets hysterical leaving his mum then he needs to be with her. Not 24/7 - I suggested pre-school.

No need for OP (or you) to get snitty because I've dared to suggest on the CM board that she doesn't find another CM!

QuoteCode - could you consider getting an Au Pair?

As a new cm, a mum and 9 years nannying experience I can totally understand what Quotecode is feeling. I am very lucky that I love being with my children all the time and also thrive on looking after other peoples children. Unfortunately some cm's are not mums and don't truly understand how hard it is to be on call 24/7 (not their fault, but if you have never experienced it, you just don't know). I am sorry you have lost confidence in this cm and hope you can find someone who cares enough to help you work through this separate aniexty problem. Good luck.

Hi QuoteCode,

I'm glad you've decided not to send your DS back to the less than adequate CM, but sorry to hear its not ideal for you to be at home with him (having to put quals/work etc on hold). :(

Obviously I don't know your son, but personally (and as an ex-Reception teacher, so I know lots about 4/5 year olds ), I definitely think that your son would benefit from spending this time with you. For whatever reason he is having anxiety issues and will gain confidence from being with you. Could you see it as a 7 month stint, perhaps with a few (free) sessions at a pre-school to give you some time off - if you can find one you're happy with and that has spaces. If you're off work and can be flexible with sessions would that make it easier to find one?

Even without the pre-school (or whatever) children very quickly get used to being in the school environment, especially if they have mum/dad to pick them up, rather than having to cope with after school care too in the early days.

Sorry, no time to proof read as dinner ready - hope this is supportive/helpful (it was meant to be. :) )

What Tanith said!!

"you clearly don't want to hear what your DS needs as opposed to what suits you"

Let me correct your misinterpretation:

She doesn't want to hear what you think her DS needs as opposed to what is obviously against your agenda.

After all, QC is his mother and you are some anonymous whatnot with an axe to grind who's never met either her or her son. I would suggest that she knows far better than you what her son and her family needs, yes?

He doesn't have to go to pre school if you don't want him to.

Wow, this really has become a debate. I only meant what county you are in as plenty of cm's read this forum and might be able to help out with some solutions.

back at you, deepdarkwood.

Quote - I'm not lecturing you but you clearly don't want to hear what your DS needs as opposed to what suits you.

I Think he will find it v difficult to settle in yet another childcare setting after this experience. Can you take a bit of time off to be with him for a bit so you can tentatively start researching another nursery in a while?

agnethafaltskog.

Quotecode - I think the tricky thing with recommendations is that different mums like different things. I'm like you - water only makes you wet - but I know lots of people who think I'm insane to walk to school in the rain when we have a car on the drive! I'm sure that if you find a cm who shares your parenting values and ethos ds will settle well. I also think that one day with a bit more TV than you'd like won't do him any harm

As others have said, there are lots of alarm bells ringing with this cm - but well done for following your instincts, and questioning it - it's so easy to feel you don't have options.

Do you have a sense of what might be making your ds more fearful/clingy than usual?

Agnetha, I don't think it is at all clear what the little chap needs - that is why Mum is looking for ideas. For a child of three and a half or so to suddenly not be able to cope (if that's how his reactions are to be interpreted) with a nursery where he had been happy for quite a time seems quite unusual (though much more common in younger children). This childminder clearly wasn't the solution Mum was hoping for, but that doesn't mean it wasn't a good idea in principle. Also, without wishing to be pessimistic, there is no real reason to suppose that staying home with Mum all the time will be the magic bullet either, particularly since he is soon going to have to face school, and might actually feel more confident going up with a cohort of playmates from nursery. I think I'd suggest trying to explore with the key worker from the nursery what they think is going on here and what suggestions they might have. If they are professional about this, the answer won't automatically be come back to nursery, and they may well have some insight.

Would you mind me asking what area you are in?

Would you mind me asking what area you are in?

Well if you are able to put work on hold for a year or so, then he can go to pre school, can't he? The poor lad is only 3.9 but he's had CMs, a nursery that he enjoyed but can no longer cope with and then a day in a depressing environment. So I'm suggesting that instead of looking for yet another child care provider you listen to what he clearly needs - being with his mum before he starts school. OK?