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Original poster

Au Pair wants her boyfriend to stay at o ur house?

33 replies

whizzylala · 31/01/2011 12:11

Our German au pairs boyfriend is coming over to visit for four days in february. She asked me if he could stay with her at our house and DH and I agreed that it wasn't really on / we didn't feel comfortable with it and said he was welcome to visit but would have to stay in B&B nearby. We said the same to our au pair last year too. After I told her she came back out about an hour later in floods of tears saying he had money problems and couldn't afford to stay in a B&B nearby. A hostel was a possibility but it is not near us so he may not be able to come.
She has made me feel really bad, I offered for her to go home so she could see him instead but she said no, he has already booked the flights. I feel a bit annoyed as if he has booked then he obviously assumed he was staying at our house. I haven't changed our stance on this despite her making me feel incredibly guilty - am I being mean? How would you feel about this?
Thanks.
Whizz.

OP posts:
StarExpat · 31/01/2011 13:03

That makes sense. After reading your last post, if I had an au pair, I wouldn't want the bf staying either. Your house, your rules.

Maybe the bf is putting pressure on her to provide a place for him to stay. Not your problem at all, but just making an attempt to see where she's coming from.

SnapFrakkleAndPop · 31/01/2011 13:02

It's not on for her to assume that you'll be okay with housing (and feeding) her boyfriend for a few days and she shouldn't be inviting people round without your say-so as it's quite disrespectful. Would you tolerate such behaviour from your own DCs? In any case, she has, possibly because there were no explicit rules in place, and now unfortunately you need to deal with the consequences. As far as I can see you can do one of three things:

  1. stick to your guns, say it's tough and not make life any easier
  2. offer her those 4 days as part of her paid holiday entitlement so they can go and stay somewhere cheaper like the hostel
  3. give in

Option 1 you are perfectly entitled to do, although it will make for a resentful and sulky au pair.

Option 2 inconveniences you for those 4 days but she is entitled to holiday (and you're entitled to dictate when it is) and it would solve the problem of having them around/the affordability.

Option 3 I think sets a bad example that she'll be able to get her own way whenever she feels like it but it might create a lot more goodwill on her part. That said if you're not happy don't do it.

What did you agree in your house rules when she took the job on? Was anything mentioned? If not, and given that you had this situation last year, I'd put that in as a priority when you next recruit an au pair. I'd also review the house rules you have for this one and make sure that any other potentially tricky situations are covered.

I feel some sympathy for her as it's tough being in a foreign country without your boyfriend and when you're young/studying flights are expensive.

Checkmate · 31/01/2011 12:57

We have this rule for our Au Pair's. (In our handbook "We may consent to female friend or relative staying for a short period during whilst you aren't working, on a case by case basis. We request that no male friends or boyfriend stay over in our home.")

Don't feel guilty, it is DH's decision as well as yours and ultimately your home, your kids, your rules.

Original poster
whizzylala · 31/01/2011 12:50

She is 20. I don't know him that is why I don't want him to stay! I don't like the idea of them getting together for the first time in months under my roof - I would have thought they would want their own space too hence the decision last year which our then au pair was fine with and so we have just done the same this time. Also my DH does not like this AP at all so I think that is another reason he feels quite strongly about it. Having met him we may well change our minds, last year AP and BF had a couple of nights in B&B then went to London then when they came back we let him stay for two nights - she was a lovely au apir and we had met him by then and felt comfortable around him and him around the kids. I suppose she is not the best au pair and having her around isn't particularly great at the best of times so the thought of two of them is a bit grim!

OP posts:
ZZZenAgain · 31/01/2011 12:47

I am sure if he wants to come, he'd be able to borrow the money for 4 days at a hostel or B & B. I don't think you are being mean. It is your house and if you don't like it, it is your decision. They should not have assumed you would say yes and they should not be pressuring you into either. Had they asked before booking the flights, they would have known not to presumably.

However you are going to have to put up with her in your house from now on which might not be pleasant. Can they both meet up for the 4 days and stay at a hostel togetther then, something like that if the one you mentioned is too far from your home? Or is he on such a tight budget that he was really dependent on your hospitality?

StarExpat · 31/01/2011 12:37

How old is the au pair? Why don't you want him to stay over?

andagain · 31/01/2011 12:32

I personally wouldn't mind and our Au Pair's boyfriend has stayed at our house before and is about to visit again this weekend.

But I have stated that this is ok with us when we agreed the terms with her to begin with. If this is not something you said you'd be ok with then you really don't need to feel guilty about it. And it is presumptuous of her to assume you'd agree because he can't afford the B&B.

Even though we have said we are ok with it, I still expect my au pair to ask me if the time he is thinking of visiting is ok with us (because I wouldn't want him around at times when I have guests in the house, as it would be just too many people in the house!).

She asked (as it happens a bit too late for him to change the flights) and you said no, so you relly don't need to feel guilty about it.

NewTeacher · 31/01/2011 12:16

Depends on the au pair.

I have found if there is a little give and take you have a smoother ride.

Your AP has assumed you would be ok with it and let her BF book tickets without oking with you (which would annoy me too).

However if she is a good AP I would personally allow it, if she isnt I wouldnt.

But its your house and your rules so dont let her make you feel guilty. You do what works for you and next time she will know to ask first!

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