Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Original poster

Au Pair wants her boyfriend to stay at o ur house?

33 replies

whizzylala · 31/01/2011 12:11

Our German au pairs boyfriend is coming over to visit for four days in february. She asked me if he could stay with her at our house and DH and I agreed that it wasn't really on / we didn't feel comfortable with it and said he was welcome to visit but would have to stay in B&B nearby. We said the same to our au pair last year too. After I told her she came back out about an hour later in floods of tears saying he had money problems and couldn't afford to stay in a B&B nearby. A hostel was a possibility but it is not near us so he may not be able to come.
She has made me feel really bad, I offered for her to go home so she could see him instead but she said no, he has already booked the flights. I feel a bit annoyed as if he has booked then he obviously assumed he was staying at our house. I haven't changed our stance on this despite her making me feel incredibly guilty - am I being mean? How would you feel about this?
Thanks.
Whizz.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
BeattieBow · 01/02/2011 19:47

blueshoes, I would be reluctant to let anyone (male or female) stay who the au pair had just met.

While I am not keen on having strangers in the house ( who I haven't met before), if they have known the au pair for ages, then I am more relaxed. I take the view that it is her home too, so she should be able to let her boyfriend, brother or best mate stay if she wants.

Having said that, if I am not well disposed toward the au pair, I wouldn't agree and haven't had the situation before where an au pair hasn't checked with me first.

Blondeshavemorefun · 01/02/2011 16:09

could he stay but in different bedrooms?

togarama · 01/02/2011 15:57

It's your house so it's up to you, even if she is treated as part of the family. (I'm pretty liberal but I know a lot of people who wouldn't let their own son or daughter's boyfriend/girlfriend stay overnight unless they'd met them a few times and knew a little about them. I think they'd take the same line with an au pair.)

When she was living with us, we let our AP's long-term BF and a male friend she'd known since she was a child stay for occasional weekends. They were both v. polite and helpful and brought presents for DD.

Treeesa · 01/02/2011 15:20

If an au pair is an au pair then they should be seen as a member of the family. If they aren't seen or treated as such then they really shouldn't be offered an au pair role.

I agree with Frak - Treating someone as part of the family doesn't mean they can bring who ever they want back to stay though. If you wouldn't be happy for your own children when they are older to bring a regular boyfriend back then fair enough - though this should be pointed out before someone arrives.

With me I always specify up front no overnight male guests unless it is a long term fiancee or boyfriend and then we would discuss it as a long weekend is a lot easier to say yes to than a month in the summer for instance! In your case if it was me, I would allow the boy to stay. I wouldn't lose a good au pair over something like this that I'm sure I could live through (can't speak for you and your family though). I'd take the kids out for the first evening he arrives though..!

SnapFrakkleAndPop · 01/02/2011 15:10

An au pair may/may not be seen as part of the family - depends on the arrangement - but even so there is no way my mother would have tolerated me having my boyfriend over to stay who she'd never met. Especially not without my asking first! So refusing to have them stay isn't automatically not treating them as part of the family.

Whizzy let the previous APs BF stay after she'd met him for 2 nights anyway, which is more than many au pair employers would permit and I really don't think it's unreasonable to say 'no, I don't know this person' regardless of their role in the AP's life.

Original poster
whizzylala · 01/02/2011 14:50

Glad this has raised some interest! Such varying opinions. I can honestly say that I do not think he is going to be a paedophile or raving looney, I am sure he is a perfectly decent young man. I think it is simply that I don't know him and therefore don't feel comfortable having him stay without meeting him first. Of course having au pairs is the same and you don't know them at first either and every time a new one arrives I am anxious about how things will go - I don't really feel like going through that for the sake of a few days. It would probably be absolutely fine but we have said it now and I do feel that we can't go back on that. If after a couple of days we want to offer for him to stay then at least it will be a decision we are comfortable with. Part of the issue I think is that without asking they thought he could stay and that is annoying to me, it is just a matter of politeness (not one of ner strong points) as far as I am concerned. No, can't get a new AP as much as I would like to as only going to have one until June, well May as it turns out, and then go it alone whilst i am on mat leave! cannot face going through all that process again now for such a short time!
I have to say after reading through all this I am surprised how many people have no problem with it at all, i am a pretty relaxed easy going liberal person on the whole, must be something about this particular situation that as affected me!
Whizz

OP posts:
menee · 01/02/2011 11:46

i agree !!

cumbria81 · 01/02/2011 11:43

Of course you should let him stay! He's her boyfriend!

I can't believe you wouldn't let him. He probably doesn't have much money, they haven't seen each other for a while and an a pair is meant to be part of the family,right?

It's true you don't know him but the risks of anything happening are completely minimal. You are being very harsh.

ZZZenAgain · 01/02/2011 09:49

I would consider letting this AP go really. Dh for some reason has taken an intense dislike to her and she isn't coming across well on the thread to me at least. Wouldn't it be better to have a new AP in the house and settled so you and the dc are used to her, before the baby arrives?

Not sure how practicable that is but just a thought..

Julesnobrain · 31/01/2011 23:40

I wouldn't feel guilty. There is no way I would let a strange man stay in my house with my children. I vet the AP not all and sundry friends and relatives!! She is being naive to think you would allow it. Stick to your guns, do not be manipulated.

blueshoes · 31/01/2011 22:31

Beattie, there is a sliding scale of uncomfortableness for me:

Casual male friend just met
Long term boyfriend
Male friend from home town
Brother or male relative
Girl friend just met
Girl friend from home town
Sister or female relative

With boyfriends, it is a question of what they are doing with the aupair under my roof and my children bumping into them. If you have a respectful and good aupair, it is easier to make allowances and waive (eg prior introduction) but with aupairs that take the piss, no way.

JustAnother · 31/01/2011 21:11

I let our AP years ago have a friend to stay for a long weekend and regreted every minute of it. The friend had money (she had a good job) and yet she treated my house and my fridge like her own, even making pack lunches before she went out for the day. I felt used and after that the relationship with AP was never the same

SquashySponge · 31/01/2011 20:42

Whizzy - you've already said no to your AP. Your AP and her BF really should not have assumed it was OK without asking you first. In addition your AP is not staying until June as you would have liked, so I don't think there is any obligation for you to concede on this one.

Writing rules for every situation is impossible. It is also difficult as an Au-Pair is not strictly a family member either. You made a decision, and now your AP is trying to change your mind or make you feel guilty which is not right either. If you change your mind this may mean your AP can question your other rules too, and as CheckMate notes, is when things go wrong.

BeattieBow · 31/01/2011 19:27

I truly don't understand why you distinguish between brothers/boyfriends and female friends. why? Not being difficult, just don't understand.

surely if you feel uncomfortable having people you don't know in your house, that applies to males and females.

Checkmate · 31/01/2011 18:28

Yep HarriettheSpook (sorry... it contains glaring typos, but you get the drift.)
They get emailed a copy of the handbook. Experience shows that they don't tend to read it very thoroughly, but at least they can't say they weren't informed. (Another copy is printed out for when they arrive of course)

We've found that when we compromise our rules because we "really like this au pair and its just once" (or whatever), then that is when things start to go wrong in some way. So now there is no debate, those are the rules.

Current AP is upset that we won't let her brother come and stay. I do feel bad about it. But those are the rules.

HarrietTheSpook · 31/01/2011 17:49

CHeckmate:

"We may consent to female friend or relative staying for a short period during whilst you aren't working, on a case by case basis. We request that no male friends or boyfriend stay over in our home.")

Just out of interest, do you tell them that before they arrive?

This thread is interesting and is why I have soft peddled the visitors policy when it comes to having things in writing. It can depend so much on the individuals involved, can't it? But I guess it's fair to the AP and easier in the long run to lay something out as early on as poss.

BeattieBow · 31/01/2011 16:30

What do you all think the 20 year old boyfriend is going to do?? I have had lots of au pairs, the boyfriends are all really respectful and have never been a problem. ever. I can understand if you don't want any strangers in your house before mmeting them, but is this just because he is male? Really I don't think he is going to be a raving perv.

BeattieBow · 31/01/2011 16:27

I let my german au pair's boyfriend stay at our house. I wasn't comfortable the first time (dh agreed to it without speaking to me - to him it just wasn't an issue), but it was fine. Why do you think you are you concerned? I did examine my feelings quite deeply - I really wasn't worried that he would be a paedophile or something, and the ap wasn't going to be on duty with him there, so i don't think she would have been negligent or anything. In the end I concluded that I didn't want to bump into him in my dressing gown or something. But it just wasn't a problem - they didn't emerge until Lunchtime, and then spent all the time looking round the town. (I have had her female friends staying over and didn't mind at all really).

in fact he is lovely.

But your house, your rules.

nancy10 · 31/01/2011 16:22

No way! He should have thought about his accomodation before booking his flight and not assumed he could stay at your home. I would not have a strange man, in my house, near my children!

Ripeberry · 31/01/2011 16:07

No, no and no! What does she think she is doing? He is not even CRB checked, and you want a strange man in the house! Shock

blueshoes · 31/01/2011 13:31

It is your house and your rules. I have a similar house rule to checkmate so it is clear from the start where my limits are. My previous (good) aupairs were very respectful of the family's space and always asked permission even if it was just a female friend staying the night over the weekend.

I would be quite happy to relax the male visitor rule for a good aupair. But would probably not for a 'not so good' one. I suspect her making assumptions in this way is a symptom of why she is not as good as the previous aupair.

Bertina · 31/01/2011 13:23

I think the assumption that has caused the issue was hers, not yours.

I wouldn't assume it was OK for me to invite someone to stay in someone else's home, without asking first.

She's young, and has inadvertantly been rude, really. But if she's sucking it up, then move on.

Hope you find a good replacement for her in May.

Original poster
whizzylala · 31/01/2011 13:19

I would have given her days off, not paid for the ticket though. She did mention he would be visiting and I really didn't think anymore of it, with last years au pair she said her BF was coming and where could he stay ie could I recommend accomodation, far more polite! So I suppose I wrongly assumed that without asking I would not expect him to camp out with us. Her parents are also due to visit separately and of course they are booked into B&B.
I will definitely learn from this for future ground rules though.
She is being ok about it on the whole, I don't think it will have too much longterm impact at least I hope not. I am already quite pissed off with her as having new baby soon and neded the au pair until mid June at the earliest for various reasons, (made this quite clear!) and she is buggering off mid May so i don't suppose I am feeling very sympathetic to her cause!

OP posts:
BradfordMum · 31/01/2011 13:14

I certainly would NOT allow a strange man to sleep in my house whether or not he was the AP's boyfriend.

Just explain they ought to have asked first, and not presumed

Bertina · 31/01/2011 13:09

Up to you if the bf stays or not, sod her emotional blackmail and yes, I do think they assumed he would stay, before booking tickets, how silly of them.

Very short sighted on their part. I wonder if it would have been cheaper to come via coach/ferry than fly?

Stick to your guns. Sympathise that it's a shame but say that they really should have budgetting and sorted accommodation before booking flights - perhaps she'll take it as a lesson learnt.

I wonder why she didn't take the option of her visiting him - were you giving her days off to do so and/or paying for her ticket?