Can I ask nanny to change her style of childcare?

Btw - I see your later post - I find my CM is far more UP than I am. She is a grandmother, and I think that makes her far more mellow (she is v experienced and good at the gentle persuasion, where I would fall back onto direct orders). because there is a group of kids, they move 'in a pack' - which somehow in my CMs house seems to translate into a lot of self-regulation within the group of kids. Eg, if 2 have an argument, a 3rd will often chip in to arbitrate.

"unconditional parenting"

OMG I've heard it all now

For your specific circs: no.

1. She is not a 'pro', so it is a bit much to expect her to learn different styles of childcare.

2 ) If you think your dc will be co fused being cared for differently by nanny and mummy, then her dc will think she is plain barmy if she has a total style change in your house

3. UP is very..... Nuanced . You really can't micromanage it from afar, the way you can lay down other guidelines like, say, freshly made food, or daily walks.

4. I can't see how you can UP a toddler and hold down a job. With the best childcare, they will sometimes say 'I want mummy to stay home'.

5. Respectfully, I'm not sure you have enough experience with parenting (and particularly UP) to be able to lay down such an extreme option onto someone else.

Before children I was a nanny/maternitynurse/sleeptrainer. When I had my first child I worked as a nanny with him and a baby the same age from 3 months until they were 3 years ( we discussed discipline/parenting style at interview) Now I have a whole bundle of children and am a child-minder.
There is absolutly NO WAY I would even consider unconditional parenting,( have been on 3 trouble shooting contracts for 3 seperate families who have been UP'd and had to pick up the pieces when the parents have realised it's not working, and have called in a Nanny to 'super nanny 'them back to civilisation) and so if my boss had suddenly said to me that she wanted me to treat her child differently from the way I bring up mine, I would have high tailed it out of there. I can't see that it would work, if your nanny has a totally different parenting style to your ideals. I can't bear to see wishy washy parents at a playgroup namby pamby around their children as the children run several thousand rings around their parents! And so if I were to be asked to look after a child and implement this life-style, it just would not work. You need to find a nanny who has the same life style ideals as you.

I am a parent who likes the approach of the unconditional parenting book - it reflects/develops well my own ideas about bringing up my children. I have a nanny (30hrs/wk) for our youngest (2). She has probably never heard of unconditional parenting, but I think she cares for him very well indeed. Of course she doesn´t do things the same way I would - she has more experience and is not the parent (I think it does make for a different framework! Dcs don´t have as many issues with her around sibling rivalry etc..). I only have experience with my own children, but they are my only children and so our relationship is subtly different. But, she is very respectful, doesn´t use the naughty step (also not with dd (5)). She does things like agreeing with dd that she will put her coat on when the big hand of the clock reaches the six. DD watches the hands of the clock carefully and enjoys the "game". Similarly for dds nursery (mornings) - not UP but respectful and they don´t seem to need to do much disciplining anyway. I think they do praise the kids a lot but - as I say - if the children are treated with respect, I don´t see any need for them to do things exactly as I would. I think it´s good for dcs to experience slightly different styles but when you look for your next childcare arrangement, I´d just make sure that you and the people involved have a broadly similar world view!

Well said cinpin! My neices, when young were friends with twin girls who had very strict parents and guess what! when away from their parents influence they were the most badly behaved children I've ever met.

Children can be taught about social interaction and how the world works without using naughty steps but by setting a loving and consistant example.

I think unconditional parenting and WOTH aren't really that compatible tbh.

However, you can do your best to find someone with the same basic outlook/style as yourself.

You know what her parenting 'style' is and if it's not what you want for your DD then I think you need to find alternative care for her. It's not realistic to ask someone who is bringing their own children up one way, to bring yours up another - especially when she is bringing them with her.

She may agree to do it your way with your DD, but it wont happen. She wont change her way with her children and you can't have her do UP with yours and her 'style' with hers.

I think the best thing you can do is find a nursery/childminder that is the closest to UP as you can find.

I think no matter how you phrase it, seeing as she brings her dc with her to work, you stand a good chance of coming across as if you were criticising her parenting, not her style of childcare.

I agree it's a sticky situation, but essentially you're saying 'what you do with your children, we don't want you to do that with ours'. It's going to be incredibly difficult to phrase it.

tbh, I think it's going to be hell for her to do one thing with her dcs and another with yours, so when the time comes, (ie when your dd is old enough to need something in the way of discipline) I think you and the nanny may find yourselves parting company

If she didn't bring her dcs with her, then it might be different.

Rotten situation for you to be in though.

If you don't want your child put on the "naughty step" then tell the person you are paying to look after her not to do so. Jo Frost has a lot to answer for!

OP - you sound like me before I had kids. No way was I going to do bribery or naughty steps or the like. I was then faced with the reality of parenting and found out they are the very best way of keeping my sanity and 'helping' my children to behave, along with negotiation/choices etc. It all worked well, as on the whole they are lovely children and (usually) very well behaved.

I have also seen children who have very strict boundaries at home. These are the children who are usually the worst behaved ones when they get away from mum and dad.

Small children have to be given secure environments in which to practice response inhibition.

Say child 'a' is building with blocks and wants a particular block child 'b' has. The automatic response may be to take the block. In the ideal scenario the adult's role is to prevent the child from taking the block, explain why and negotiate/support a solution to the problem.

Not consistent with 'unconditional parenting' because of the intial prevention of action. If the child got angry about the prevention I would still prevent it and they may well become very cross and upset as a result. But they would learn about boundaries, social interaction and the way the world works.

Think carefully- I see the consequenses of families who haven't and it's a complex job picking up the pieces.

It is possible to be laid back and still set boundaries.I have always had a gentle approach to child care and do not use the naughty step yet I have often been complimented on what nice well behaved children I have in my care.

I think that it's important that you and your nanny agree on parenting issues and maybe a professional nanny who has the same ideas as you would be best.

What about when your dd go to school?
You wont be able to ask the teachers to be 'laid back' with her.

I think you'll struggle. Children need boundaries your nanny has probably already worked this out with her two. My son's class at school is having major problems with two little boys whose parents use unconditional parenting one still bites at 5 and the other is completely uncontrollable.
You'd be much better off advertising for a nanny just for your little one and saying that you want one that will do the unconditional parenting.

I think the advantage of having a nanny is that you have more say on how your child is brought up. I have turned down jobs because our views on childcare are totally different.

It is good to read books and got other peoples suggestions and opinions as no two children are the same and what works for one might not work for the other.

I am very laid back but I do no think anyone would be laid back if a child was running in the road Nick.

Disagree away.

It's just my opinion. People do have a bad upbringing and do learn not to repeat that with their own children. So yes in come cases it can help.

However in my view how you were raised has a large infuluence on you.

I don't agree with you, nannynick. I think that knowledge can be gained from reading books and realising that there are other ways of doing things. You can change approaches and behaviour can be learnt, it's not all down to how we were parented.

Reading books won't change someones style of doing things. It might give them ideas about other approaches but overall style is learnt over a long period of time, whilst they as a child were growing up.
Changes can happen but don't expect it to happen quickly.

Liad back attitude is fine at times, however sometimes you need to be the leader, to take charge. Especially in times of panic, if an accident occurs. Drill sergant major may suddenly make an appearance in an emergency situation. Imagine a child running into a road with traffic... would you be calm and ask them nicely to come back?

With something like a parenting "ethos", I think you either have it or not, so you need to find someone with a similar ethos to you from the outset. Unconditional parenting would be challenging enough if it's something you really believe in, but if it's something quite alien to your way of thinking and you have three children to care for I think it would be quite difficult. It's not like you can say instead of the naughty step I want you to do x/y/z.

Personally I would find it difficult to make someone who has three children to look after practise unconditional parenting. Sometimes your son will have to do as he is told with little explanation because there are the needs of two other children to consider - one may needy leave the playpark because they need the toilet, your DS doesn't want go but he has to. Sometimes children won't accept explanations.