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Original poster

I'm really ticked off about this and don't know how to handle it.

34 replies

jabberwocky · 02/10/2005 22:29

Very sticky situation here. We have a part-time nanny who is also a friend of ours socially. She is even in a women's circle of mine that is quite small and close-knit, although I am closer to two of the others. Anyway, I am feeling more and more like she is just going a bit too far in her relationship with ds. As an example, we went to a party last night and Nanny was there. Now, as she had worked for us that day, she was well aware that I had worked all day and had only had time to go home to change before the party so had spent maybe 15 minutes with ds. She wound up totally absorbing ds for the majority of the party. Sitting with him, walking around holding him, etc. I tried various things like when he wanted a snack I said I had some crackers for him. She took him over sat down and, it felt like, "allowed" me to give my child a cracker! I was so furious. Dh doesn't want me to say anything because he likes having her and doesn't want her to get upset and quit. I am upset, but don't want to cause huge waves because of my women's group, which I really like and it meets at my house.

So, should I just put up and shut up or what?

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Original poster
jabberwocky · 04/10/2005 10:21

Anyone else?

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Original poster
jabberwocky · 03/10/2005 19:48

I had planned to advertise for someone and dh was the one who suggested we might ask her. As a caretaker for ds she has done a superb job, but as far as my situation goes sometimes I really question the decision to hire her.

Re: social situations, in the past I have always known ds would want to see her and talk to her and it's always been OK. It's just that she's never monopolized him like this before and also being fully aware that I hadn't seen him all day.

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ThePrisoner · 03/10/2005 19:40

Did you choose her as your nanny because you knew her in the first place? I think her attitude re. your PND was appalling - I had severe PND, and that's the sort of comment that would have completely tipped me over the edge.

However, your post has made me wonder if any of the parents I childmind for resent me (in the nicest possible way) when we are all together (such as at child's birthday party), if their child wants to be with me! Eek!

Original poster
jabberwocky · 03/10/2005 19:30

Yes, I guess I have to be big about it and say I'm at least resentful, if not downright jealous. There's so much history here, too. I had terrible PND and at my absolutely lowest point, when I was literally suicidal and just before going on ADs she said to me, "I wish I could tell you it gets better, but it doesn't." That could have easily pushed me over the edge at that time. She also said," I've often wondered what I would tell (ds) later on. I guess I would just say, Well, you cried a lot when you were 6 months old." Ds was a very difficult baby, btw. But, I mean FFS was she talking about what she would do if I abandoned him or killed myself? I guess now, the least little thing sets me off. I feel like she is trying to usurp my role as his mother.

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TrulyScrumptious · 03/10/2005 15:43

I understand where you are coming from completely. I'm in a similar situation with my dd's grandparents. They helpout me out by looking after dd while I work a few per week and of course dd loves them all.

Unfortunately, they don't seem to appreciate that I need to spend some quality time with my dd when I'm not working and they tend to 'take-over' whenever we are in their company.

saadia · 03/10/2005 10:12

this is a difficult one. On the one hand it's nice that she wants to look after him, even when she's not paid to, and it may be that she wanted to show you how much she cares for him.

But if it feels to you that she is taking over then if you don't want to openly say something you will just have to be more firm and say, in a joky way, "come here ds, I've missed you I haven't seen you all day". Or even to her, just say nicely, "don't worry I'll feed him now you relax".

staceym11 · 03/10/2005 10:10

jaberwocky, i understand how hard it can be especially if your dc reacts better to the nanny than you. but that doesnt mean shes doing anything wrong. am i right in thinking you were your sons main carer before this, because that would cause you a lot of jealousy when he spends so much time with someone else.

i think the best way to deal with it is to distinguish her work hours from social hours. explain that when you get back from work you'd like some quality time with your ds, no offence to her as she is brilliant with him, but the two of you need some alone time.

your reaction is completely normal, another woman is bearing down on your time (and relationship) with your son and its threatening, but you need to distinguish that she isnt acctually doing anything wrong, and most people would see it as just caring for your ds.

pumpkincarrier · 03/10/2005 09:36

I am really sorry to say this Jabberwocky - but it sounds like you may be over-reacting. it sounds to me like this person is very fond of you ds, which from an objective point of view (as she is his nanny and a major provider of care) can only be a really good thing. It would be a different matter if she was indifferent to him.
Could it be that you are feeling a little jealous?
I think the best course would be to wait until you are feeling less upset and then try to be a bit more assertive - after all, he is your son and if you want to spend time with him then you shuld just assert yourself to make that happen, without getting emotional with this person and upsetting everyone concerned.
I am sorry if this seems a little harsh I don't mean to be.

goldenoldie · 03/10/2005 08:48

Hold fire - wait a week or two before doing anything. Have to say it does not sound too bad to me.

Sounds like she is really interested and cares for your DS rather than treating him as just another job..................