Au pair (vs Nanny) - unrealistic expectations?

This is a 2005 thread posted about audio pairs on a childminding thread. You would be better to start your own thread on a different part of the site where you might get advice on how to cope with 2 children good luck.

Looking for advice .... due in August with second first will be 2 not sure if a daytime nanny would be good... how did you go about this... agency? Don’t fancy live in but will need extra pair of hands as no family to help! Live in the country so middle of nowhere.... advice sort where to source and what to look out for and ask? Haven’t a clue! Thank you so much!!!

Oh, I give up.

Third time lucky?

Sorry, link didn't work very well. I'll try again:

\link{http://www.workingintheuk.gov.uk/working_in_the_uk/en/homepage/schemes_and_programmes/au_pairs.html}

Actually 21stcenturygirl, the main aim of Au Pairs under the regulated Au Pair scheme IS to learn English.

www.workingintheuk.gov.uk/working_in_the_uk/en/homepage/schemes_and_programmes/au_pairs.html

Out of interest, what type of visa does your Canadian Au Pair have?

Not quite sure what you're getting at with your "surprise surprise" comment about your Eastern European applicants...

I think it could be time to maybe look for someone else if you are really down about the situation? Perhaps this could end up stressing you out more than helping you, especially at such an important time in your life.

Ideally you would probably need someone with good english and experience with 3 year olds and newborns. Having an au apir with inicitive is really important because some will just wait for you to ask them to do something instead of thinking, oh I need to change the bin or do the washing up.

If she is like this now, think how it could be when you have a newborn and really need your rest.

But that's just the problem UKMickey - the eastern europeans think it is employment and it really isn't. Also it is not just to learn the language - I have a Canadian AP. It is a cultural exchange (both ways for me). I have been very careful in my quest for her replacement to let applicants know that we are looking for a family member so will ask a lot of questions to find the exact person who will fit in with our family. Surprise, surprise, out of 50 applicants who I expressed an interest in, not a single reply from an Eastern European.

Every so often I read families state they employ an Aupair! Aupairs are not employed they are someone from another country who travel to eg: the UK to Primilary learn the language (attend a language school if wanted) are invited as a guest with a family (like an older son or daughter) & assist in the family home with either light house work/chores & help/assist with child care if required in return for full room & board & pocket money....
They are not employed ... if they were of employed status they would have all the entitlements of an employee (subject to visa status)

I am amased that some Aupairs who have been informed that they are Employed .... have not taken some of their families to tribunal etc!

Just me speaking out loud... not implying ayone within this thread falls in to this catergry.

i personally would have got rid of her after the very first lie, no matter how small it was. i think you may have fallen into the trap of sticking with what you have rather than starting over.

I think most, if not all, au pair jobs involve looking after children, ranging from pre-school age to early teens, so it really really baffles me why these girls take the job if they have no interest in kids whatsoever? You don't have to be a trained nanny to show affection, smile, communicate, initiate play etc. I have just gone through three au pairs in five months, and unfortunately for many Eastern European girls an au pair job in England is a pretty easy and lucrative (comparatively speaking) way to see the world & party. My first two au pairs thought that they would be doing some 'light housework' and that's it - like most of you, I can't find 25 hours of housework to do in my house! I found myself instructing and explaining and demonstrating the most basic, simple things so much that the au pair actually created more work than she eliminated. So, if it's not working now it's not going to improve much - most of the time it's a personality thing I found. We've given up on au pairs for now and are looking into other childcare options. You have to put your child first and then work backwards from that I think... xxx

I see your point about 25 hours of housework (what, you mean you don't live in a mansion? ) I also did not know about the under 3 rule, so thanks for putting me straight on that. I was thinking a little more about this last night, and I think unfortunately it is too much to expect all young women to be suitably 'with it' to be able to look after a 4 year old, if they have no training or experience in childcare. Before I worked as a nanny I spent many years helping with friend's children and learning how to look after the under 5s; I shudder now to think of my ignorance and misconceptions on what was ok and not ok to do. And I was a reasonably intelligent, motivated and caring person who shared the same language and culture.

I agree it is absolutely not on to lie about the bike helmet thing (although as people pointed out, that was possibly a language problem), but I am sorry to say it is probably not the only thing the au pair is doing that would not be to your liking if you knew about it.

I do hope your new arrangement with the nanny works out, and yes, I think you are doing a good job of trying hard to give the poor au pair a chance - but unfortunately she does not really sound up to the challenge!

Message withdrawn

I've only had nannies so no real experience here (although thinking about possibly having an au pair in the future now dd and ds are at school). However I just wanted to say that dh never puts a cycle helmet on ds regardless of the fact I have told him to do so. Actually the evidence on whether helmets make a difference is quite equivocal according to my public health colleagues (although I always wear one, and so do the children if they are with me). I don't think I'd have an au pair for an under five year old, just because I'd like to know that my children could give me a (mostly) truthful account of what they had done together - my two when they were little would give me the strangest accounts of their days!

FrannyF,

I think you've got a point about people generally having unrealistic expectations of Au Pairs. BUT MizZan's Au Pair is partly at fault. Being truthful about whether a child wears a helmet (OK there may have been a language problem here but if so, I'd be very interested to know what it was she thought was a helmet) is not too much to ask of an Au Pair. You don't need to be a trained nanny to care about the welfare of a child. Sounds to me like the Au Pair is the type of employee who will take the piss if allowed to.

I have absolutely no experience with au pairs but worked for many years as a nanny. I was under the impression that au pairs were not to be left in sole charge of children. It sounds to me from this thread that you were hoping for the au pair to be an inexpensive live-in nanny, and from the replies, that this is what most people expect. As I say, I am ignorant about this, but I feel this is a mistake. I think an au pair is there to do light housework and the odd evening's babysitting. If she pitches in to help with meals and play with the kids then this is a bonus. I think you have maybe made the mistake of expecting an average young woman to have the housekeeping and childcare skills of a nanny. Sorry it hasn't worked out for you, but I feel this may not be the au pair's fault. I hope it is next time lucky for all concerned.

Mizzan, I think you're desperately talking yourself into keeping her and making the best of a bad situation because you just so dread beginning the search again.

But honestly, I really don't think this sounds like it's going to work out. What comes across, is that this girl is not trying - there are communication difficulties, there are misunderstandings, but with time, patience, effort and tolerance, they can all be solved. But the au-pair has to make the effort too, and she just sounds like she either doesn't want to, or is not confident enough to. And I think in your situation, I'd be asking myself if a foreign au-pair in her first time job is the best option - you don't have the time or the energy needed to direct someone who sounds as difficult as her. You might be better off going on one of the sites where you'll get au-pairs who have done it before and know the ropes more.

I've done the directing thing a lot (2 of my au-pairs needed an awful lot of guiding) but I wasn't pregnant or with a new baby at the time, and I was working part time at home and plus, they wanted it to work and were very obviously trying hard themselves. Do you get the feeling that she is genuinely making an effort? Because if not, I'd really get rid of her - I know it will mean extra work to get someone else now, but you might save yourself an awful lot of time, frustration and resentment in the long run.

An au-pair who is good, is absolutely wonderful. But one who is bad, can be a nightmare. And you really don't need a nightmare in the next few months!

and here is a message from my dd1 age 5 and one month, who has put up with 5 different non english-speaking carers (nannies and au pairs) since the age of 2; "I don't like XXX (the latest one) because she speaks a different language - I don't know what she is saying and she doesn't understand me. The others were nice but still didn't understand me-you are always kind and know how to talk with me." The one English speaker I sacked as she was wierd.

Is her name Helga? just kidding, in a wry sort of way. Some of these problems, like not eating as well as he would for you, are typical of any sort of childcare. If you want to work at home you need to lock them out of the room and work quietly to help them forget you are there, as well as have a talented minder who plays with them and preferably takes them out a lot.

BUT Take her to task about the helmet-if he did not wear it she must go ASAP. Unless she returned it to the packaging perfectly (unlikely for someone who has to be told to wipe a counter), she either is a liar, or her English is so bad that she is a danger to your family. The same applies about the friend, unless you did not make it clear that this was not allowed.
Take a deep breath and start looking for the replacement NOW, or decide that you have to stump up for an agency. Keep her in the dark until you have found someone who seems clearly better, then let her go, using an excuse to ease the departure so she doesn't take revenge or keep hassling you. Look at this as an opportunity while you are on ML to get one of the 10% of good people around, caring for your son.

Keep hold of all the schedules and rules you have written down and hire the next one with those on the table, to be signed as part of a contract.

good luck you will need it.

Message withdrawn

Hi

I agree with goldenoldie. The helmet 'miscommunicaion' (ahem) is just not on. If she doesn't have a basic idea about child safety and the responsibility involved [aka bloody common sense], then you are going to have a hard job drilling that into her without resentment on one or both sides. I know you have had problems finding childcare, but I think your current au pair will cause you nothing but stress. Already you are in a situation where you need to check what she's told you with your young son - not great when she is supposed to be the one in charge who you trust! I'm glad you're looking into alternative solutions. Good luck!

Hi again
What nationality is she? Can you get someone speaking her language act as a translater to have a good talk with her?
You said her English is poor- they sometimes don't understand things (even though they nod and confirm they understand they just don't!) or how important they are so make sure they understand things like helmets- make her repeat to you (kindly of course) what you have asked her to do when you tell her important things.
Her friend looking after your child- it is a no no of course- she needs to be told very clearly... all about the ground rules and house rules...
As time passes it gets better- you tell her a couple of times and next time there is porridge on the counter she will clean it. If she doesn't there is something wrong with her. Tell her even the simplest things she should do and if she is a normal person she will do them without being told after a while.. It is frustrating to begin with but it is so reasonable to have an au pair, I think it is very much worth the hassle for a few weeks..
If it is getting worse- ie if you increasingly do not trust her judgement as a person - then you can maybe think about alternatives...
good luck-

Mizzan - be careful - she sounds as if she is a bit sneaky. Telling you he did have his helmet on when he did not and inviting a friend round without permission is really not on when you have given strict instructions otherwise.

Sorry, but my prediction is that she will get worse, not better. Afterall, she should be on her best behaviour now, when she is new. What will she be like when she feels comfortable............