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Original poster

Nanny getting other people to drive my DD without my permission - nanny perspective please

54 replies

Snoosmoo · 02/12/2010 13:16

THis is my first ever post so apologies if I am being unreasonable (I am 37 weeks pregnant so accept that I may be being hormonal and mad) but is this normal/acceptable and what should I do?
I have employed a relatively mature and experienced nanny for the last year (three days a week, £110 a day net) to look after my DD1 3.9 and DD2 1.11. This is our first ever nanny and we have been very pleased with how things were going. But since I have been on maternity leave for the past 4 weeks things have rapidly gone downhill. The problem is that my nanny does not want me around at all and really wants me to hide in my bedroom while she is here. When I have offered to eg pick one of the children up from pre-school to save the little one a cold trip out or that she could leave her with me while she did the pick-up she has nearly bitten my head off and said she didn't want to disturb their routine. Her argument is that when she's there she should continue to do things exactly as she'd do them if I was at work. Whereas in an ideal world I would have liked to spend a little one-on-one time with my DDs before the arrival of the new baby.
So anyway today is very snowy, nanny had complained how difficult it was to get in so I said nanny should come in later and I'd take DD2 to her music class. Meet nanny afterwards as they had arranged a playdate with a local mother with a DD the same age as DD2 whose older child is roughly a contemporary of my DD1 at pre-school (although they don't know each other particularly well and aren't in the same class). I am surprised when nanny and DD2 arrive home relatively early as that's the pick-up time for DD1. Nanny says oh I asked Other Mother to pick her up. I know Other Mother always drives so I say has she got a spare car seat. Nanny says I don't know but she's got a big car (!!).
Now is this acceptable nanny behaviour? I am very pissed off at nanny.

  1. I would happily have picked up DD1 myself but nanny would get in a sulk about this
  2. I do not want relative strangers picking up my children without my permission unless there was some sort of emergency
  3. it is important to me that she always has a proper car seat and is strapped in safely

I went out to meet them when they arrived and my DD WAS in a car seat. But only because the Other Mother had (v kindly) put her own DS in an ordinary adult seatbelt and let my DD have his normal one. But the mother said my DD had been very upset at pre-school to be picked up totally unexpectedly by a virtual stranger. THe pre-school staff had to do lots of reassuring and let her bring home stuffed animals from pre-school to even get her to go in the car.

I would like to speak to the nanny about this and tell her that a) I'll pick DD1 up if the weather's too bad for nanny to go b) I expect her to do the pick ups herself unless agreed with me in advance c) car seat issue

Am I being unreasonable. I am a bit scared to talk to her about this as she has been quite difficult over my mat leave (I raised the issue of my spending some one-on-one time with my DDs. She basically said it was a terrible idea which would only make them upset. I know it's important not to have 2 adults around doing the same thing but don't see why it would be such a terrible thing for me to take one eg swimming while the other one is at a playdate with nanny.

What do you think?

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callaird · 02/12/2010 13:44

Jeez! Who is the employer here?! I am a (mature) nanny and yes, having a mum around does make life a little difficult, especially if she doesn't back up the nanny but at the end of the day, my boss pays me to work, I am her employer so if she wants to spend time with HER children, who the hell am I to argue!

Getting someone else to pick up your child is completely out of order, unless in an emergency! I agree, this should be a verbal warning. She should be told that under no circumstances should she allow someone else to pick up your children from anywhere, unless she has spoken to you and there is no other alternative.

You should NOT be scared to address this. She is your employee, she does as you ask, within reason!

Strix · 02/12/2010 13:41

Your nanny has lost sight of who works for whom. You need not ask if you can take your own child somewhere. Just inform her of the decision.

I'm pretty relaxed about my nannies doing kiddie swaps with parents or carers from school. But, I would be very unhappy with a stranger picking up a 1 year old. (my children are both school age and everyone at the gate knows everyone else at the gate so it's a bit different than your situation).

Incidentally, I am 36 weeks pregnant with dc3 and can safely say you are not being hormonal... but your nanny is. Having a strop because you want to see your own children? What the Hell is that about?

I would sit down with the contract and have a formal review and remind her where her place is and where yours is. Then I draft notes and document the content of the meeting. You can't have this continuing through maternity leave. And if does, you may need to prove a previous warning on the behaviour.

PS Hello Page62!!! How's you weather? Smile

Summersoon · 02/12/2010 13:36

What Page62 said and more:
I think that you really need to regain the initiative here. I would talk to her about the driving but I would also tell her that you are not happy about her attitude since you went on maternity leave, maternity leave will not last forever but, while it does, you would like to spend some time with your DCs and you would like to enjoy this time and she needs to work around you. Don't take any nonsense about your children being upset by tis - what a ridiculous idea! I would be very clear on that.
I can appreciate how difficult the situation is: I once had a nanny who really wanted complete sole charge, which she had initially and this changed when I moved to pt work. Eventually she quit (also because she liked looking after newborns and toddlers, rather than pre-school children) but to this day I wish that I had been more assertive.

Page62 · 02/12/2010 13:27

Good lord.
I would have given a verbal warning or at the very least really pull her up on that one. Passing off my kids to someone else is a big no no unless they've asked for my permission first.
You should have a nanny who adheres to your wishes, not the other way around. You are the employer. What you are requesting is not unreasonable. There are PLENTY of good nannies around, the minute you fond yourself tip toe-ing around someone when it is your house and your kids, it is time to reassess.

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