Why do we have kids if we can't look after them ourselves?

I'm not really cut out for SAHM tbh, I need something to occupying my mind. Thank god I've suddenly discovered I'm half decent at Publisher PPpoint and have taken over the church newsletter, and am doing other bits for the church (as a volunteer).

Gives me something else to focus on and play at being a grown up.

Lilololmanchester sorry can I clarify are you suggesting that staying at home to care for children while husband supports financially is akin to prostitution?

Kew how selfish of you to choose your house over your child! You know your trouble dont you? You just dont appreciate him. Some mothers hey?

I appreciate that lots of families who have decided that one parent should stay at home have to really work hard at making ends meet. And I take my hats off to them. What I can't cope with are those "going without" 3rd holiday in a year/ home extension/designer clothes etc and then criticising others for working. Only you guys on here know exactly which camp you fall in to, but many of the smug, judgey crew I've come across in real life aren't doing without very much at all - so easy to criticise others in that situation.

I go to work as I enjoy it - I would rather be there and pay someone else to look after my child, than be stuck at home playing, cooking, going to the library, museum, cafe etc.

Satisfied now?

FFS.

I am not talking about going without that extra holiday and running a second car.

I am talking about paying the bills. Are you seriously suggesting that my children would be better off if I never worked but they were hungry and cold?

How many studies/reports tell us the damage done to children growing up in poverty?

It is a middle class debate. If your OH is a security guard and you work in a launderette you both have to work to pay the bills.

The rules on WTC credit have been changed so couple have to work more hours to qualify.

We just get by. Thats it. Its fine,its how life has turned out for us. Now I am supposed to feel guilty for having a job.

not every mum is cut out to be a sahm are they? spending 24/7 with your kids is a hard, mentally draining job and i'm sure there are plenty of kids that are far better off cause their parents go out to work - the parents are happier and more relaxed when they do actually spend time with their kids. how would that be worse than having a stressed, distracted parent staying at home with them all day every day? especially when the parent is just getting frustrated with the kid(s) cause (s)he is trying to do stuff that could be done in 1/2 the time if the kid(s) were in childcare.

I really don't get this urge to come on to talkboards and crow "I'm a considerably better parent than yaaaaaaaaaow"

It just gets other people's backs up. It doesn't change anyone else's mind. Why do it?

[baffled]

yeah I worked hard to make sure we kept our house those 2yrs I had to go and work nights.

exH worked 7 day weeks as well, it finished off our marriage, fucked up my sleep (and mental health) the former of which is still affected 3yrs on, but hey we didn't use childcare so that's great hey

Both my grandmothers worked. My mother worked. I work. I spent far more time at home with DS in the last year than my mother was able to spend when she had my brother in the early 1980s.

We can't afford to not have my income.

And frankly, there are some mothers (my lazy idiot SIL) whose children would probably benefit from a nursery where they'd at least have some consistency and carers who have a basic understanding of child development/psychology. Giving birth doesn't automatically make you a good parent.

pasta some people's dp's don't earn enough to even live on a tight budget.

For some it's just impossible and both need to work. That's a fact.

Some choose to work (for a variety of valid reasons)

And some choose to stay home (for a variety of valid reasons)

And some have to stay home because earnings would be less than childcare and then life would be unaffordable.

I took my DS's to playgroups - they were all (thankfully) confident toddlers and loved it.

When they started their free LEA nursery places they positively blossomed. DS3 has only just started but they offer so much more than I could ever give.

My mum stayed at home (we could just about afford it then) and we had a great childhood lots of lovely memories (lots of hill walking and walking along the cliffs) ........she started working when I was around 9yrs old and I hated it.

Ironically thought looking back the fab memories I have of very young childhood must all have happened at the weekend or during holidays - my older brother (who was school age) was also there. So really she could have been working and I've have the same memories.

Sorry, I meant smug!

I'm not being smu, Georgimama, I was asked the question.

"We work hard to make sure it works." - aha! I see, I'm not trying hard enough.

That was to pasta.

Good for you.

I choose not being homeless over not working - it works well for us.

Some of us don't have a choice other than to go out to work!

Sorry, had to feed the rabbits and have lost track a bit!

OK, so not going to nursery limits a child. How? I, like most people, take DD to lots of playgroups and a variety of activities. She has a better social life than I do, that's for sure! BTW, there are pre-school Spanish classes in my town, so that isn't exclusive for children in nurseries.

Middle class? I'm from a working class background. My mother stopped working to look after my sister and I, until we were both in school. OK, cue images of Hovis adverts, but we had very little but I'm very grateful to my parents for choosing my sister and I over working. We have fantastic memories of our childhood. We did exciting things on a shoe-string budget!

How do I afford it? DP works. He's freelance and the income is irregular. We budget (hard) and make the most of what we have. It's tough at times (very!), but I would not want to leave my DD at such a crucial time in her childhood, to do paid work. We work hard to make sure it works.

Yes I'm with MrsDeVEre (link arms)

Have friedns who work, stay at home, have nannies, used childminders and nurseries oh and one who works from home. You be hard pushed to tell which is which from the chldren when they play together.

My mother worked when I was young as did early generations becuase we were honest poor (since doomsday book) guv'nor and had to earn a crust.

You will always get lacksadaisical parents who could do better for their children ranging from mild neglect to outright abuse but I don't think its teh preserve of working paretns - I know a few who's childrens lives would be infinitely improved if their parents went out to work and left them with competent carers.

isn't taking money from rich men also known as the oldest profession in the book???

"I can imagine the pasting I would get on MNs if I said 'in order to be a real mother I have chosen to allow you all to pay for me to stay at home and care for my own children'"

yep - you would - that's why us single mum's can never win. On the one hand we should be out at work paying our own way from the minute we become single parents, on the other hand we should be at home with our darling off spring (at least) until they start school.

I work (part-time), and strictly speaking I don't have to, because we could survive OK on DP's salary, we could have a cheaper house, spend less etc. and it would be fine. So I don't have the excuse that I have to work for financial reasons. I work because -

I love work and it is an important part of who I am.

It's important to me to have my own income.

I need a break from constant childcare. Even though I love having DC and am close to them, we get no help from family, DP works a lot and can't take much time off. I'm self-employed and tbh work helps keep me sane because it's my time alone and my headspace and time to focus on something else.

I also believe it is good for a mother to pursue her career / non-domestic interests in order to set a good example to her DC and show that women can do whatever they like in life. I don't want my DC (of both sexes) growing up thinking a woman's place is in the home and she automatically does all the childcare.

I am confident in the nursery we use and the loving and caring staff, and it's part-time so I feel it's not a case of hardly ever seeing my DC.

Is this all selfish, the "selfishness that has crept into motherhood"? Kind of. I work because of my needs and my beliefs. But then if you think motherhood should mean being in the home, you're also imposing your beliefs on your DC. And there is nothing innate about being a parent that makes you a good parent.

Plus, men are allowed to be selfish in that way I presume? As ever?

My childminder has a lot more experience as a parent than me, I'm not saying she does a better job, but she is more sociable than me, doesn't feel she should be doing housework all the time like I would, and she can get my child to eat a much more varied diet than I can at home. She complements me basically.

I work part-time BTW.