Au Pair not keeping their own room clean

I'd lambast DH for eating a whole pack of Jaffa cakes, or squirrelling food away in our room...

Laquitar - I guess families and households are all different. As an adult living with us in my home I think an au pair should follow the same 'rules' as the rest of us. Those 'rules' are something we would sit down and talk about in the first few days along with things like overnight guests etc. If spoken about at teh beginning then it prevents an awkward conversation later that I agree would be hugely embarrasing.

I would never try to make a scene over a packet of jaffa cakes but if this became a normal occurence I would have a word and ask her to be more discrete in front of the children, as they are told not to help themselves to more than just one or two a day when they are home from school.

This is interesting. I have had a number of APs, and only had real issues with one. She was a big girl, ate a lot, but had no energy. I didn't want to make a big issue of it, and so didn't say anything, well not much - just asked her not to eat certain expensive items...until one night I went to get salmon out of the freezer and found she had eaten about 10 steaks. I am afraid I got really cross. I apologised to her for perhaps not making things clear to her (although never been an issue for our 4 previous APs), but said it was unacceptable. I do cook every night for the AP, and we eat as a family.

That one left shortly afterwards. She was just not active enough with our small boys, but the food thing really got to me. I lost 4 kg while she was here because I found her eating habits so off putting! Since then I have been more specific with the new AP, but tbh it wasn't necessary.

at Harriet

Laquitar you arrived just in time!

Regarding the room and bathroom i think it is perfectly reasonable to expect them to keep them clean. It is also reasonable to check every 2-3 months, after all you are homeowner you need to be able to see-yourself- all the walls and ceilings in your house. Landlords check the flats every 6 months so i guess a host should do aswell.

Regarding the snacks i would not make an issue. I dont agree with 'i dont allow my dcs to have snacks so why not the AP aswell... '. She is not a child. She is an adult. And she is an adult from abroad. In many countries is hugely embarrasing to make issue around a packet of jaffa cakes and she could be very offended.

reading this something just occured to me
do you treat your aupair like one of the kids? (re helping themselves to snacks....)
or as an adult.

personally i allow my aupair to eat whatever she wants. and i generally buy whatever she wants to eat. she is an adult. (incidentally a very healthy one)

Bluegreen- our au pairs have a lovely year at our house. Some of us are very careful to ensure that it is a two way exchange, you know.

OP- I think it is reasonable for you to expect her to keep her room as clean as you expect of your children. Explain to her about the grouting and mould- they are very young and unused to housekeeping on the whole and require a lot of coaching at first as you know. I personally ban food in rooms for everyone (too many mice in the attic as it is).

Luckily none of this was not an issue for last au pair as she was lovely and just fitted in with how we did things.

Sorry, you sound like the type who runs their finger over picture frames looking for dust, in other people's houses, to chastise them about.

Sorry - meant to say while plowing through entire boxes of things meant for the whole family to share can be inconsiderate...

I agree with Treesa, although our children don't go up to the APs room. It is verboten. If hers was an entire state though and they could see it, esp as the children get older, it's hard to see how she would have the credibility to get them to tidy their own space up.

Not sure this entirely applies to the food though. As DIOM said, eating habits can be driven by lots of factors. WHile this can be inconsiderate, unless you are coming home to nothing for dinner or breakfast the next morning, I think you have to leave it. I can say though that we had a nanny with terrible food habits - she used to leave dr pepper and all manner of chemical ali stuff in our cupboards for her lunch. Eating that sort of thing side by side with the children when they are old enough to enquiry why they can't have the same would be a problem. I think if you are looking after children when you are around them you have to accept that 'not just anything' goes. Or don't take the job!

BlueGreen - you said you've worked as an AP for 'families' - I am genuinely curious why you did it more than once if it was so bad?

You don't let your AP eat a few snacks?

I am not surprised she is leaving.

One thing that no one has mentioned is that your au pair is also a role model. I don't think it is unreasonable for a host family to ask an au pair to keep her room ckean and tidy. If she doesn't it sends out a message to your own kids of double standards.

Same with snacks really. Do you let the kids help themselves to anything they want from the cupboards? Your au pair lives as part of the family - so it is double standards if your au pair isn't allowed them. If the kids aren't allowed snacks then I'd agree that your au pair should leave them alone or talk to yo uabout it first. Although if there are snacks in the cupboards that aren't for the kids or au pair, they must be only for the parents and so what message is this sending out..

The snacks thing is difficult. On one hand you don't want to deprive her of food, but in the other she did seem to be eating an excessive amount and if you'd tell the DC off for it then is fair to expect the AP to do the same. Plus it sounds pretty unhealthy stuff which is a bad example for the DCs.

I would write something in the house rules that she is expected to keep her own room and bathroom clean and is responsible for ensuring all cups etc are brought down as you don't have an unlimited supply of crockery!

I have an au pair and I certainly would never stop her from eating anything in the house or insist she tidy her room. Her room is her domain and retreat from our household and how she keeps it is completely up to her.

Do you stop your children eating snacks between meals? Can an aupair really afford to waste her money buying snacks because you don't want her to eat yours?

BlueGreen in that case I can understand your bitterness, and I know from stories my own AP brings home that there are still families out there that expect a lot of hours from their APs.

However, we are not all like that and I think it is a little unfair to jump to that conclusion about the OP.

I have seen other hosts come on here and say AIBU to expect my AP to do this, and everybody to come back and say yes you are being unreasonable, that hasn't happened here and I try and and keep an open mind.

MrsWobble, " i'm not sure why Blue Green feels that the au pair is being exploited - there's no evidence on this thread. "

Yes. There is no evidence as the Aupair isnt here to tell us her story and we only reading what the OP tells us and want us to belive.

DadInsteadofMum, FYI yes I was an Aupair once and none of the families I worked for were not even close to "nice". They gave me stunning references. You know why cause I worked my .... off I couldnt even go to college as there wasnt time for me to attent the class. Didnt have any friends because I wasnt socilising. I was on call included weekends. Once I met next door Aupair and went out for shopping(she took me as I didint know where or how to go!) And then I received a call from host family asking me to come back because they have a guest from US and they wanted to go out! I didint know English enough to defend myself or ask my rights and they were happly toke this as an advantage!

to be fair to the OP i think she has made it reasonably clear that she would raise these points with her own children so i don't think she is treating the au pair unfairly at all. i assume the duties were explained before the job began and the au pair agreed to it. i'm not sure why Blue Green feels that the au pair is being exploited - there's no evidence on this thread. i can see that the job was not necessariy what the au pair wanted if it was primarily cleaning not childcare - but she did take it and it's not the OP's responsibility to change it to suit the au pair's preferences.

BlueGreen as I just said - "you make some pretty damning statements - have you previously been an au pair and had a family overwork you?"

And I'm sure she is now happy and not depressed thinking that she has been used as a cleaner! God help your next Aupair! Poor girl or guy her/his only fault(if it is ) not to be able to speak the language and open to be taking advantage of! Told not to eat much( I wonder what is next? Maybe dont go to loo as you flushing the toilet too offen) Actually, you should add that to your Aupair manual too.
Do not go to loo more then 3 times as you are wasting water!
Do not eat snacks as they are belong to my family!
Do leave your door room open as I want to go to your room straigh away dont make me waste time by opening it!
Do leave your room dor open so that I can check when you are not around!
Get lost when you finished all your cleaning and tidying up. So that, I can have some "family time!" with my husband!

And the list goes on and on and on....

Please, please god help her new Aupair and the other Aupairs that they have host family like her!!!

I wonder how you would feel if your own kids was Aupair and treated like this!?

In our house how tidy the au pairs keep their room is entirely up to them, it is their room and if they want their clothes all over the floor that is their choice.

Food and drinks left in the room for ages is a different matter, I have had this problem with one in the past, had to be constantly on to her to bring stuff down, to be fair when told to she did but it gets a bit wearing.

The bathroom thing doesn't apply as they share with the kids (though this is about to change - one to look out for I guess) but damage to property through neglect would be unacceptable in my book.

As for the comfort eating current AP goes through phases, and it is usually eveidence of a different problem, one of the kids has been a bit much or some other problem that needs to be talked through.

BlueGreen you make some pretty damning statements - have you previously been an au pair and had a family overwork you?

Do you ask your kids to stop eating?

So, you are already checking! her ensuite bathroom. You might as well ask her to stop eating and tidy up her room.