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Original poster

Should I change nanny?

61 replies

Simic · 15/09/2010 08:40

We have had our nanny since January. Her hours are five days a week, 8am until 2pm. She looks after my 19 month old son while my four year old is at preschool.
I think she is good with my son and he seems to love her, but she is impossible with me and my husband.
She always arrives late. The idea is that she comes at 8am and looks after the little one so that my husband has his hands free to get my daughter ready and take her to preschool (nanny says my daughter doesn't want her to take her to preschool - and to be honest, she's right). However, she never gets there before 8.15 so my husband always gets dd ready late so he's always late for work. We spoke to her about this together and explained to her that it was really a problem for him. Her response was "I won't come at 8am until you get your child ready quicker". The contract does say 8am but we didn't push it as we didn't want her being angry with us and taking it out on ds.
Most mornings she arrives and announces to us and dd that she is in a bad mood. She tells me all about how the world is against her - and usually I am the cause of this. She then snaps at dd to be quiet because she's in such a bad mood. She criticises me constantly to my face and she has also spoken to my neighbours about how "problematic" I am (for example, I took ds out in the pushchair without a cosy-toes foot bag thing when she thought it was too cold for him, my neighbour replied that in her opinion it was still too warm weather for a cosy-toes and nanny replied to her that she would have to see how she should deal with me). She has even told me that a picture we have on the wall is "stupid".
I try to be friendly to try to get her to be a bit more cheerful. I listen to her problems.
I have now finally (after 9 months) found someone else who seems like a good alternative. The thing is that with my son, the present nanny is lovely. She is cheerful, caring, plays with him nicely from what I have observed. She won't go out for trips really because she can't manage it (if you lived somewhere else I could take him out for trips more easily) and she won't go out when the playground might be "dirty". But, he really likes her and is used to her. She takes him to a playgroup, reads loads of books with him, dances round the house with him. She never makes him lunch (although this was in the job description) but she says that in her opinion it's ok if he eats at 2pm when I get home - she gives him banana and bread roll during the morning.
Is it better to change because then I will be more relaxed and feel less attacked, or is it better to stay with her because after all ds is the important one here and a) change will be disconcerting for him and b) I don't know if the new nanny will be as good with him?
Sorry for writing so much! Please help!

OP posts:
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Blondeshavemorefun · 15/09/2010 19:24

lol @ hand that rocks the cradle - hope you arent bf ........

nbee84 · 15/09/2010 18:43

Just had to post to agree with everyone else on here. Get shot and get shot quick! She sounds like the most unprofessional nanny that I have ever heard of Shock

mathanxiety · 15/09/2010 18:16

Headcase. New nanny in order here.

A child will get attached to a sheepdog if that sheepdog is the one taking care of him -- and I agree with Bonsoir here too. Even if the nanny doesn't jump when the child snaps his fingers, playing with a nanny for the most part, effectively having the nanny as the best friend, is not good for a child.

I am acquainted with a child whose doting granny brought her up without much contact with other children, and played with her a lot -- child ended up becoming a bossy little madam who found it really hard to understand and participate in the give and take style of interaction with other children when she started school. The granny went along with endless unicorn/ fairy tale / pirate games for years and the little girl couldn't understand why the other children quickly became bored or resented taking directions from her.

Strix · 15/09/2010 17:20

She is horrible. Truly horrible. She has failed to grasp the whole emplyee / employer relationship.

"...our nanny seems to see ds as her possession and she needs to protect him against me..."

Shock Any nanny who thinks she has any place in protecting my children from me has got serious dellusions and better run far and fast before I slap her.

This is very creepy. Ever seen "The Hand that Rocks the Cradle"?

Give her notice (or sack her for poor timekeeping) immediately. In my contract I would have grounds for immediate dismissal under the term "insubordination". I once had a nanny who thought she knew better than I did. After she left I realised she was ignoring my instruction and doing things her own way. And that is when I put the insubordination bit in the dismissal section.

This nanny is horrible. You will all be much happier when she is gone.

mrsshackleton · 15/09/2010 16:52

Good lord, get rid immediately.

Blondeshavemorefun · 15/09/2010 14:00

im a little bemused that you have put up with this for 9mths Hmm

if you really feel that nanny would get angry and take it out on ds, and snaps at your dd then again why the hell are you employing her?

she is late/rude/doesnt feed your ds/and obv not capable of looking after a child if she cant go out on trips/park etc

did she come with glowing ref? where did you find her?

i cant see why your dh cant get a 4yr ready for school with a 16mth there as well, but thats another thread lol

InmyheadIminParis · 15/09/2010 13:45

By doing a 'handover' I didn't mean intoroduce the new nanny to the old! I meant, for the benefit of your son, introduce the new nanny over 2 weeks so it's not just old nanny one week, new nanny the next. The new nanny could do two days the first week, three days the second, so there's a phased changeover. I've done this and it works.

For all this nanny sounds bad at her job, the OP's son is attached to her, and that relationship must be taken into account.

pleasechange · 15/09/2010 12:56

I'm struggling to understand how you can describe the current nanny as "lovely" when she is continually very rude to you and flouts her contract, not to mention refusing to feed your child at lunchtime. Seriously, you are paying her, no need to be grateful because he plays with your child and he likes her. I'm sure you could find somebody much better

Summersoon · 15/09/2010 12:51

I agree with Harriet - do not let this woman do a handover under any cirucmstances as I think that she might well tell her successor all kinds of nonsense about you - and if she is older and the successor is quite young, she could end up have quite a big influence.

I read your post with horror and I agree that you should let her go immediately. I think that she is extremely unprofessional and rude and, as such, setting a very bad example to your son, small as he may be.

WhatTheWhat · 15/09/2010 11:54

Have a look at this list:
www.nannyshare.co.uk/advice/info/hiring-a-nanny.html#nanny-induction

pinkbasket · 15/09/2010 11:24

My first nanny job was for a 10 week old baby. I had been an au pair abroad and a mother's help before.

I had to clean the baby's room, play room and bathroom every day, cook all their food, do all their washing and ironing, take them out, get up in the night with them, make up all their bottles, sterilise everything, pick up bits of shopping and be with the baby for 12 hours a day. I was told all this at the interview so I knew exactly what i had to do and also the temporary nanny was with me for a couple of days so helped me get into a routine.

Nursery duties should be a given and that means to do anything to do with the children - all their cooking, washing, tidy up after them, take them out, etc etc.

HarrietTheSpy · 15/09/2010 11:24

Whatever you do DON'T let this woman do a handover.

Agree with decision to let go. Don't leave to too long, you need to get in that window under a year's time. Can you ask an HR person in your company for advice?

It can be hard to get it right the first time when you are new to nanny hiring and tempting to stick with someone convinced there's no one better, importance of continuity of care. Another popular reason is if the person is 'on time' (not your case I apprecaite) and your life is running theoretically smoothly on that level.

Anyway. The point is once she's gone and you've got someone you get on better with you will be so relieved, I can't even explain.

Original poster
Simic · 15/09/2010 11:09

Next question from me: Dinkystinky made the good comment:

Make sure you make it very clear from your new nanny what you expect of her from the offset

What kind of thing do people think is sensible to clear up beforehand? - noting InmyheadIminParis' point about suggesting a general schedule.
Would you write something down or just discuss it?
I can only think of one "ground rule" (no tv - that's the only thing where we feel quite strongly), but would there be other ones which you would suggest discussing? I'm not a very forceful person (!) so I have to make sure that I get a good balance between respectful and clear (I tend to overdo the respectful and underdo the clear!).
I suppose I could sit down with new nanny and us both brainstorm together.

OP posts:
kveta · 15/09/2010 10:52

we had a madnanny who refused to follow any sort of routine, and once brought DS home saying 'I didn't give him his lunch, but he had a piece of chocolate cake instead and loved it!'. He was 8 months old... He stayed with her from 7 months old until 10 months when we went on holiday for 3 weeks - came back and he started nursery.

He's now nearly 1 and although he's still in the settling in period at nursery, he's getting better every day. And he eats a decent lunch, and gets a decent sleep.

I'd say change your nanny now!

InmyheadIminParis · 15/09/2010 10:46

If it helps, our nanny follows the 'routine' (not hard and fast, but a general schedule) that I set in place. So, she'll cook lunch for DS at the time that I've told her I'd like him to eat, etc. While he naps, she'll do odd bits of tidying (the kitchen, the playroom, etc) and will also do some ironing.

That's not in her job description, but it's a fantastic help and I always see it as a bonus (for me), rather than something she 'has' to do. Our nanny is also 10+ years older than me, and I've never felt this to be a problem, or that she's made me feel inexperienced!

As long as your DS gets out to meet other children in toddler groups and playgrounds I think he can only benefit from one-on-one care.

Original poster
Simic · 15/09/2010 10:30

I saw what Bonsoir was getting at - and I even feel that our nanny seems to see ds as her possession and she needs to protect him against me - not that her job is to support our family as a whole!
But, it's a good point that this is a problem with her rather than a necessary effect of having a nanny looking after one child. I was just asking for ideas as I'm now thinking hard about how to make things work better with the new nanny...
I'm so grateful for all of these really great responses. I never realised I'd get such helpful stuff from asking here! :o) Thanks!

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 15/09/2010 10:21

I read the OP - I didn't say that it automatically meant that.

InmyheadIminParis · 15/09/2010 10:20

Bonsoir I don't think a good nanny looking after one child automatically means that the nanny is at the child's 'beck and call'. Well qualified nannies know their job, and wouldn't dream of allowing the child in their care to set the running.

At least, that's my experience with our nanny who looks after DS while DD is at school and then DS and DD for an hour or so after school. (I work from home, so I know what's going on with DS and our nanny during the day).

Bonsoir · 15/09/2010 10:02

Yes, definitely try to get more of a nanny/housekeeper. A nanny who has to do chores and run errands for part of her time, with the DCs tagging a long, is a good thing! And if she can get them to "help" her, sorting washing, pairing socks, finding things in the supermarket etc, that is even better!

Original poster
Simic · 15/09/2010 09:58

On Bonsoir's point of having one adult at his beck and call, I have tried to get him a place with a childminder who looks after a few children. Unfortunately, I couldn't get a place (I don't drive and so there was a limit for how far away I could look). If anyone has any tips for how to make it work with a nanny who is just looking after him on his own, I'd be v. interested. My idea up to now has been to increase playgroup time. In the afternoon ds has to share me with dd and the cooking, shopping, laundry - so he definitely doesn't have someone at his beck and call!
I will try to get next nanny to take over more of the shopping.

OP posts:
InmyheadIminParis · 15/09/2010 09:57

She sounds completely unprofessional.

Can you arrange a hand-over period with the new nanny over a week or two so that the new nanny comes e.g. 2 days a week, then 3 and build up while your old nanny reduces her hours? It may mean paying double for a few days (paying your old nanny to take a day off while your DS spends a day with the new nanny), but if you can afford it, it could be well worth it.

lostFeelings · 15/09/2010 09:56

have you ever told her that she is rude?

mickytoo · 15/09/2010 09:54

My god, you poor suffering thing. And you pay this mad woman to cause all this trouble??

Since you are within a year of employing her, you can dismiss her for any reason provided it's non-discriminatory. You can even ask her to stop coming from tomorrow, if you pay her in lieu the contractual notice. Do it quickly, because she might announce her pregnancy tomorrow, and that would give her cause to claim sexual discrimination (which is illegal) if you then give notice.

my first nanny was truly dreadful as an employee (and in hindsight, as a nanny too). I kept her because I didn't know how to do better; I was worried about continuity of care; and she seemed nice to DC. I have since learnt that children cope with new carers just fine AND that I deserve something who didn't wind me up every day.

I think you can't just give up on a situation because "you could do worse" - you have a duty as a parent to always try and get the best for the children and the parents.

pinkbasket · 15/09/2010 09:52

Yes yes yes yes you need to get rid of this nanny. Today. Pay her notice if you have to.

bigdonna · 15/09/2010 09:48

lol shes sounds like a nightmare,she is paid to do a job,if she isnt doing it properly sack her.i was a nanny for 16yrs i wouldnt have dreamed of telling any parent things they did were stupid !.Do your self and your kids a favour and get someone nice whom will look after both your kids.