dd said nanny slapped her- advice?

I have never believed in smacking and an Ofsted registered nanny had to tick a box to say they will not smack their charges.

I did a 3 week temping job where the child told mum I smacked him and she made a roundabout little speech about how she rarely smacked her children, which went totally over my head as I didn't have a clue what had been said! I told her I didn't believe in smacking and was then told "Oh I'm sorry (X) said you smacked him" It's the only instance I have of a child lying but it made me aware it does happen. If you really think this nanny slapped your child round the face then that would be very worrying and you should get rid of her. Please be sure first that there is real evidence as it all seems a bit contrived

maybe its me, my lo is into smacking and gets time out for it

but i say dont smack xxx not dont slap

but yes i guess you would want to defend yourself and say ex mb was 100% happy with me

You believe it happened but she's still with you?

Doesn't sound great to me. I was a great nanny, no smacking or shouting. Not so great as a mum. People are different in different scenarios. If you are sure she hit your daughter, why is she still with you? I have visions of the nanny telling your dd not to tell or else .

blonds

you might reference your previous employer if accused of assaulting a child though, no? Surely you would look to someone who knows you well and knows how you behave around children? I can't think of anyone better to refer to at that time!

'Slap' isn't that weird is it? It's a commonly used word I would have thought. They use the term 'happy slap' on the news/papers etc so it's not as though it's something that's never said! The nanny could have quite easily said to her 'don't slap your sister'! I'm sure i've said that to the children I look after.

Totally in agreement that if she did slap the child, then she needs to be sacked and reported to the relevant authority. I'm just very concerned about the evidence (or lack of) against this poor nanny.

if you feel/believe that it did happen then i am suprised (as others are) that you are still employing her

yes you will never know the truth, but sounds like you dont beleive your nanny - on the other hand does seem weird she brought up her ex dc, i still see mine (left 5yrs ago) but i wouldnt compare them

i still think slap is a weird word for a child to say, not smack and i would ask your dd where she got slapped and get her to point to you - dont say was it ar/face/leg or this is promting

as i said previosuly, NO childcarer should EVER hit their charges but if it was across the face that is a total no no

If you believe this happened, I am mystified as to why you would continue to have her look after your child.
In fact to be honest I am frankly appalled at your attitude to this. You seem to think that now she has been informed that she will be "told on" then its ok to carry on with her caring for your DD.
This is not how a nanny/employer relationship should work, if you don't trust her she simply shouldn't be there.

you said your dd had tried to slap your other child, so she knew what slapping was? is it possible she tried to slap someone else and the nanny spoke to her about it - expanded her vocabulary a bit?

i only ask - my dc's have come up with some really strange 'so and so hit me/ smacked me' stuff which seems plausible enough at first, and turns out out to be a total misunderstanding.

once we spent two weeks trying to work out when 'cousin ben hit me' for 2yo dd2. it turns out that the 'cousin ben' she was referring to wasn't cousin ben at all, but ben next door (presumably she was only calling him 'cousin ben because she was used to hearing it), and 'me' was 'mia' his sister, and she had been watching them through the fence. cousin ben hit me indeed. it went on for weeks, and we were genuinely worried.

i never know where they pick up language or anything. 2yo dd1 picked up an action man bayonet belonging to an older friend's ds and used it to 'skewer' 6mo ds1 in the ear, perforating his eardrum. my friend who witnessed the incident said she just picked it up off the floor, stuck it in her brother's ear, and twisted it, saying 'skewer' really clearly. she wasn't being malicious, just experimenting...

small children baffle me.

i've always had good relationships with our nannys though - but i think if i had mentioned that one of the dcs had accused them of slapping them they'd be fairly defensive.

If i was so sure that my daughter had been slapped by the nanny? I wouldn't have left my child with the nanny for one second more!

She was probably defensive because, even casually, it's a really terrible thing to be accused of! I know you said stuff about kids making stuff up etc to make it seem casual, but you've also said here you def think she did it, so perhaps she picked up on your body language/tone!

Also i would be careful about saying 'there is no way she could have picked it up'. It may be unlikely, but unless you daughter lives in isolation there is always a way she could have found out what 'slap' means.

For example;

1. From another child in the park/playgroup/party; anywhere!

1. From a book/story

1. Even from a small amount of TV, 20 secs of Hollyoaks could have done it!

1. Overheard from other adults on the bus/in the street/at a family gathering

1. Maybe the nanny said it, in reference to something and someone else e.g on the phone and your DD overheard or to another nanny at playgroup

Or most likely

1. Maybe DD1 'slapped' DD2 and the nanny said 'Don't slap your sister'. Or another child slapped someone and were told in earshot of your daughter 'don't slap such and such'

I think accusing someone of a physical assault on a child on the basis that she said 'slap' and you don't use that word is quite risky!

It puzzles me as to why she refers to the past family. Wondering if there is an attachment issue - she became too attached... maybe I'm just reading too much into it. Does she often compare things to the other family/children?

As you say, the point has been raised and your position been made clear. Maybe you could lend her some of the books you have been reading, so she could try the hugging approach.

the only way you will know for you is to bring it up with your nanny and see how she reacts

something like

you never guess what dd said over the weekend, that you slapped her across the face

and see what nanny says, if innocent, she would say omg, i never did/would do that

and then depending on her attitiude, say, obv we dont beleive her and know you would never do anything like that

Many years ago when my dd was 2, one Saturday she ran into her bedroom, and tripped and caught the corner of the chest of drawers, there was a small cut and a little bruise came up. At the time I was sorting washing out in my room, and as soon as heard the thud came running to her.

By the Monday there was small mark by her eye, dropped her off at nursery. When I went to collect her I was called into the office, and there were two members of staff and the manager there. And they said the mark on dd eye how did that come about, and I explained, and they said oh that makes much more sense, dd said you had hit her because she couldn't watch tv!

Never hit her (nor even smacked), and I'm very relaxed over tv always on in our house. Therefore, this was complete fabrication. I'm not saying it's the case for your dd, but just highlighting that it is possible.

Hi, I do agree with the others and think you should speak to your nanny, but perhaps in a more informal way if it's possible.

My own dd came home from nursery one day and said J, the pre-school room leader (male) had slapped her. I know all the staff at nursery very well (my older son had already been in his class etc) and so couldn't really believe it. I did bring it straight up though and said "dd said you slapped her yesterday, what is she talking about" (I sort of said it in a nice way !!), J said that dd had been told off for a small misdemeanour, but had definitely not been slapped and I totally believed him.

In the following weeks it became obvious that dd was misunderstanding the word "slap", and in fact mixing it up with "told off". She said things like "mummy, don't slap me, I will tidy up in a minute", and "I like granny, she never slaps me". She mixed up the phrases a lot, and often when talking to other people - it didn't portay me in a very good way !!

I do find it hard to believe that a nanny who has been with your for a reasonable length of time, and who gets on with previous employers and is generally reliable would be stupid enough to slap a child across their face, if she really has, then I would hope that she had a really good explanation of the situation. I would want to know what had happened, but would keep an overall open mind.

Helen

On the whole I'm more inclined not to punish and currently reading 'unconditional parenting' and actually find that hugging when child is acting up (after they've been given a chance to yell) to comfort their frustration works wonders. I'm only halfway through the book.

Hugging children when they're acting up? How long do you propose to do this for? Sounds a pit daft, they're naughty, they get attention and hugs. I wonder fo that makes them be naughty next time they're not getting any attention?

I ignore my dd if she is acting up, then she realises that behaviour like that doesn't get her any attention, she stops and we carry on what we were doing.

To be honest, I wouldn't be happy under any circumstances for a nanny to slap my child- or anyone else to slap my child, or for that matter for myself to slap my child!

Hitting on the face is a very aggressive thing to do & I really feel it's not acceptable as any sort of punishment. I do accept that parents some times lose their temper & slap the child's bottom etc but a slap on the face is a whole different story!

I also accept that you want to do this slowly, in your own way, trying to work out what's going on. But I really would be very concerned if she's actually slapped your daughter, if it were me I would give her notice just for that reason (but again I accept that the story might be a bit more complex).

Let us know how it goes. Take care.

I think you owe it to your daughter to speak to your nanny about this. Once you have slapped once it becomes easier to do it again ime.

How will you feel if it happens again tomorrow?

im still concerned if the nanny did slap/smack why your dd hold her cheek

have you asked dd where she got slapped

as i said before NO childcarer should hit/smack/slap etc but if it was round the face thats TOTALLY unaceptable

The nanny could have given her a warning saying she was going to slap her if she didn't behave.