To lie or not to lie

As it’s your in laws and they will (presumably!) be in your lives forever, I wouldn’t. Because your children will probably one day ask about their births and it may come up that you’re telling two different stories.

Im sorry your in laws are like this though! It’s literally none of anyone’s business how you give birth!

If you tried a VBAC and the absolute worst was to happen, they’d be front of the queue in saying they don’t know why you didn’t have a planned c sec. I’d tell the truth but leave an awkward pause after their comments, and follow up with ‘predictably unsupportive’ and leave the air stale.

Don’t lie, just tell them to mind their own business. You medical information is not theirs to know or judge. What a nasty pair.

Who are these people and why the fuck do they think they have the right to a view on how others birth their children?

I had two home water births, which I really enjoyed. SIL had two c-sections, one em one elective. When we were chatting about her elective, she was saying how maybe she shouldn't have, but given the first was so traumatic she wanted a calm birth. I told her I would have done the same, and she was really surprised, saying she was expecting judgement. Why? She didn't enjoy her first birth, she was doing her best to make her second one enjoyable, it was the most sensible thing to do.

I’m sorry you’ve had those kind of comments OP, for what its worth I’ve had 2 vaginal deliveries and if anything I am in awe of all of my friends who have had sections! It is major surgery and I have seen how difficult their recoveries have been and all the while taking care of a newborn baby, it is something to be proud of not ashamed of! Don’t let them make you feel guilty, but don’t lie x

You still have not mentioned at all about your DH and his thoughts of his nasty mother and sister.

I wouldn't lie. Mostly because you've got absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. If you don't want sections and are following medical advice, then that shows that you're an awesome mum who puts her child first. And if you are someone that prefers sections (I'm one of these), that's awesome that you know your own mind and are doing what's right for you.

If anything I'd lay it on thick how awesome your section is. How amazing it was to meet your baby without pain and exhausted, and (is your recovery is good), how good recovery was. Often recovery is better from a planned section than a vaginal birth anyway, and you've not got the pain of contractions, the uncertainty, or the damaged vagina. There are a lot of positives, so lean into them and be proud.

Absolutely agree with all other posters. You should do exactly what you want to do, take no prisoners, guilt trippers or otherwise observers, it is none of their business. Make sure your OH is onside to speak for you. The only thing that matters here is you, as a birthing mum, and if you are happy with the plan, then the plan is good. From a pov / reference point, I have had 5 VBAC because sections were not available at the time, and my daughters / daughter-in law have had some sections, and they came out the better for most occasions. Go for it and worry no more, there is always someone who wants you to do what they did. Ignore them. xx

Bah. My DH’s ex when I told her my first was a section responded ‘oh so not a real birth then’!!!! Well excuse me. I had my sections fur medical reasons and I trusted the medical experts to advise me of the best option to maximise the best outcome.
Don’t he ashamed. There’s no medal or moral superiority award for having a vaginal birth.

Presumably if they come to visit within a few days to a week of the birth and you’ve had a c-section it’ll be obvious you’re recovering from the op?

regardless, it’s absolutely nothing to be ashamed of! I agree with the PPs above - you should be proud that you have grown babies and gone through what you have to bring them here. I think lying about it suggests it’s lesser and it’s absolutely not!!

Please don't lie to keep these awful people off your back. It would only reinforce your unjustified sense of shame, and you'd have to tell more and more lies to keep up the pretence. Instead, work on learning not to be upset by their idiocy, and practise batting away their comments.
If your husband isn't standing up for you, it's time he started.

Yes I'd just lie in this situation. I don't have this particular hang ups about elcs (I had 2 and I'm quite pleased that I didn't have to push) but I get the whole judgement issue with nosy people and I lie about other things. I don't feel quilty about it because it's their attitude that's pushed me into lying so they don't deserve to be told the truth.I just state the lie and don't go into details and it shuts off any further interrogation. It doesn't make me feel upset or feel rubbish, I just feel satisfied that they can't find something to criticise.

I had an elcs due to previous sexual trauma from my ex husband, I wasn't risking intervention vaginally. I'm currently pregnant and will be having another elcs. A few people have asked that I don't want to go into the real reasonings with and ive just blamed my gestational diabetes/previous c section for this one.

My best friend (!) has been pushing me for a vbac and how it'll make me feel empowered etc. stuff the judgement, don't make yourself a liar for those small minded gonads.

Deep down that’s got to be coming from a place of deep insecurity. I’d honestly feel a bit sorry them. Just say it was a c section, that was the consultants recommendation and actually you’re feeling really great about it as you knew exactly what to expect from
the previous 2 and didn’t need to worry about any unknowns. Big smile and swiftly move the conversation on. Whilst it is tempting to sink to their level and start cracking on about how you can still jump on a trampoline it isn’t worth it and won’t make you feel any better. What will is focusing on your new baby and being confident in making the right decision for you.

Are we on different planets? My SIL had four cesarians and had four happy healthy babies, I thought she was a hero to go through these operations for her lovely babies. How can anyone sane criticise?

Op what is your husband doing to deal with his sister and mother? I'm sure he's aware of the impact this is having on you so how is he stepping up to nip this in the bud and support and prioritise his wife's wellbeing at a vulnerable time?

I had a section (my choice) and I feel zero shame in that. It was a safe way for my baby to come into this world and I'm very thankful this option is available for women now given that years ago so many of us just died in childbirth.

I wouldn't lie, you've had two sections it would be expected that you'd have a third due to the risks of a vbac after those sections. I think if they made a comment I'd be asking when they got their medical degree that makes them think they know more than your healthcare providers?

I think what really needs to happen though is your dh needs to have a word and get his family in check and stick up for his wife. Then I'd be clearly saying that you're happy to see them when he's present and able to be trusted to run interference. And I'd be stepping back to protect your wellbeing at a vulnerable time.

I'd also consider whether it's worth meeting with your provider to look over previous medical notes to help you process your previous births (what happened what decisions were made and why) and perhaps some counselling to help you let go of that misplaced shame that you absolutely do not need to feel.

Women have been having sections for many, many years and it's quite literally a saving grace that we have this on offer to us. You carried your baby, you grew them safely in your body, you loved them and cared for them and nurtured them with your body to the detriment of your own health and then you brought them into the world safely supported by professionals who do this day and daily. You went home with likely minimal pain relief and we're then expected to care for one and then two small humans while recovering from a major abdominal surgery. Not a single thing to feel ashamed of there, you are a fucking rock star. Honestly I truly believe that women who snip at others in this way must feel incredibly defined by their experiences and a bit lacking for this to be even worth mentioning and that, to me, is quite sad. It's a shame of them really that they don't know better and don't know that they are more than that.

The birth of your baby is not a topic of discussion for all and sundry.
Refuse to discuss it and change the subject.

I wouldn’t lie. I’ve had both an emcs and a VBAC. The labour and it emcs ended with were hard to recover from. My stomach muscles are wrecked and I had all sorts of problems afterwards. A CS is not a risk free easy option. My VBAC only worked because the baby was considerably smaller and in the correct position to exit.
I totally understand why women who’ve had one cs book another. I did but didn’t use it. But it baffles me when people think it’s an easy option

As someone who overheard the midwives in NICU doing handover saying “X had a failed delivery” I understand the stigma but I couldn’t give a shiny shit that I had a c section under GA. No, it wasn’t my first choice of birth but I did not fail, I did what I had to do to keep both myself and my baby safe. I have raised a complaint about the term “failed delivery” and hope that no mother ever has to hear those words. To echo a previous poster, sections are brutal and anyone who tells you it’s the easy way out or shames you for it, is an arse and has clearly never had one. Aim for the birth you’d like but as one mother to another, having 2 or potentially 3 sections is admirable and and you should be proud of yourself. Wishing you a safe delivery, in whatever form that turns out to be

@cheekybunny Do not lie. You have nothing, absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. I had my 2 via c sections. The 2nd one ended up being a real emergency where babys heart rate dropped etc. I always said to whoever asked that if it wasnt for modern medicine, neither I or my children would be on this earth today. So tell them well done. And be grateful for all of your lives. Many women used to die from childbirth. We are lucky to have the option if surgery.

How dare anyone make you feel ashamed about having a c section. You haven’t missed out on the ‘birth experience’. Thank goodness modern medical procedures keep women and babies safe.
It is never a competition to see who gives birth ‘the best’ and do not enter the conversation and certainly don’t let them doubt yourself 💪

ps (and I really don’t judge how women give birth) but a lovely bitchy response would be - yes it was another c-section thank goodness. I don’t want my vagina wrecked as well as my stomach muscles…..

Or - I had a bit of diarrhoea, then went for a lie down and while I was in bed the stork left the baby on the doorstep

Don’t lie. Don’t apologise or over explain, either. Just keep it brief, move on, ask them
to stop if they make judgemental comments.

I’m sorry you’re experiencing this judgement. For me, one of the best things about having a third is that I truly no longer care about anyone else’s opinion on baby sleep/feeding/weaning etc.

In that case I would exaggerate for comic effect and refuse to engage in a serious conversation about the birth.

" I had a mild tummy ache for 36 hours, then sneezed and the baby came out" -
"The doctor said she had never seen such a happy floppy birth canal"

that sort of thing