Anyone else grieving the vaginal births they did not have after electives

I don’t at all I’m so glad I don’t pee myself and had piles like my friends

“I’ve never felt a contraction”

So how lucky are you? Giving birth to my first DC was the MOST painful thing I’ve ever done in my life, and I’ve had gallstones and kidney stones. I really had to talk myself into getting pregnant second time around! Don’t wish you’d had a vaginal birth: ultimately, if you and the baby were both OK, then it was a successful birth. Rejoice in your lovely DC - their manner of coming into the world doesn’t matter a jot.

I'm the opposite to you. I regret having so-called "natural" deliveries with my first two babies.

Vaginal birth is totally undignified and can trash your pelvic floor, amongst other birth injuries that are tricky to recover from. That is in addition to being extremely painful.

I was very relieved when I needed a caesarean for my third baby even though it was an emergency. It was a far, far better experience than my vaginal births. With hindsight, I should have gone for elective caesareans for all three of them.

Believe me, you haven't missed anything at all.

I felt this way after DS2 (planned CS as he went overdue and I couldn't be induced because of a previous emergency CS). I knew the emergency CS for DS1 was completely necessary to save him and me, so I felt just grateful for it. But DS2 was to be my chance at a vaginal birth and I felt terrible for ages that I didn't manage it.

Time solves this though - DS2 is 18, and I haven't given it a passing thought for ages. It just doesn't matter to me any more. It feels so all-consuming when you're in the midst of the baby years and everything you read is about babies/birth/etc, but I promise you it will matter less and less to you the more time goes by.

One DC, general anaesthetic emergency c section. Basically, no birth experience. It was very difficult at the stage where everyone is telling their birth story at baby groups and socials. Over the years I've returned to the subject of whether I can say 'I gave birth ...' and have cone to the place now where I still feel that description is wrong but I haven't felt bad about it or deprived of opportunity for a very long time. I don't think I would feel the same if I hadn't been under general anaesthetic

Go to any primary school in the country, and pick any reception class. Of those 30 kids, can you tell which ones were born vaginally and which by c section? Can you tell whose mothers did or didn’t have an epidural? Can you tell which were breastfed and which weren’t? No. Because truthfully it makes absolutely no difference in the long run.

There’s a reason I stopped at only one child and that was because I had a vaginal birth. I am still traumatised by it 29 years on and it still feels like it was yesterday.

also, as others have said, Always and Tena feature heavily in our lives. Please don’t regret and just be happy with your gorgeous babies. I would love to have had another but couldn’t after that

I had two emergency caesareans, and absolutely felt like I’d failed somehow. It was a massive source of regret, so I do understand your feelings. It took a while - a few years - for that feeling to disappear completely (although it faded a lot much quicker), no matter how many times I told myself that without the surgery neither of my sons would have been born alive.

They are in their mid-40s now, and I can genuinely say I haven’t given how they were born a second thought in over 40 of those years; I am sure your feelings will pass too.

Try not to dwell on things that cannot be changed. I have had both. My last vaginal birth left me with a birth injury hence the subsequent section.

honestly IMO we under estimate the damage a vaginal birth can actually do to a woman’s body.

I had a vaginal birth, it wasn't even that bad compared to some horror stories you hear but I had an episotomy and the healing was rough. For at least a month afterwards, for every person I would see walking around on the street or whatever I would think "you are the product of female suffering". It was a weird time! Then it faded. What I'm saying is, you're still post partum, hormones and physiology and health is all over the place. Give it time. Your healthy babies will make you forget it.

Surely the point of being pregnant and giving birth is to have a healthy baby and the mum stays as healthy as possible too. No it doesn’t make any sense at all TBH.

Good grief no.

First baby baby was breech. Got to 9cm before I had an emergency section. Contractions feel like period pains x1000. Not anything you’d want to experience! The relief was immense when I got the spinal!

Second baby I went for a planned section. By this point I’d met sooo many mums who had awful tears, needing surgery, incontinence etc I wasn’t risking it. And glad I didn’t. They would talk about not being able to go on trampolines or issues with going to the loo. One took almost a year to recover. Another had to go back into surgery straight after birth due to 3rd degree tear.

Don’t get me wrong I’ve also had friends have lovely experiences but I don’t need to feel envious. My sections were fine.

No regrets. I had a planned CS. The alternative would have meant an emergency CS at best, death for me and the babies at worst.

Choosing not to take the risk is probably one of my best decisions ever.

Completely relate to this ! I’ve even had therapy - it helped me understand some of the deeper rooted reasons I was perhaps feeling this way (and still do!). It will get better with time xxx

This. I love go run and it’s an absolute pain and quite demoralizing. Count your blessings

I didnt want unnecessary surgery so wouldn't have opted for a caesarian unless absolutely necessary. I am happy with my decision. But I certainly don't think I should get a medal for a vaginal birth.

Hello OP, I have had a caesarean, vaginal birth and a ventouse and can relate to your feelings. My children are grown ups now but may years ago when I felt like you do, I read a post here on Mumsnet that really clicked for me. It said something like, my children are all different and so are their births and their births are just part of them. Like a previous poster said, this feels really central when you have babies and young children but as they grow, the way they came into the world just becomes part of who they are. I hope this helps.

I had 3 vaginal births and hated them all. They were nothing but an excruciatingly painful means to an end. I wouldn’t say I would have preferred c sections because I don’t have that experience to compare but I definitely wouldn’t waste a moment romanticising or grieving natural birth.

Are you crying all the time due to hormones? How recently did you have the elective? I really don’t understand grieving a different birth, maybe that’s just me! I had an extremely traumatic vb with my eldest where I nearly lost my life, I had an ec for my 2 after that! Even if I’d had all electives I can’t imagine being upset not having a vb! As long as your baby and you are healthy and here, surely that’s all that matters! More important things in life surely!

My first birth was natural and second was elective c-section. I do not have fond memories of my first birth but I do of my second.

Honestly op, I get it. I had to have 3 sections in the end - 2 were breech, so elective and my 3rd I laboured with but it all went tits up and I had to have an emergency section. For years I felt defective but mine are now 24,21 and 18 and I can honestly say I don’t care any more. Give it time. In the longer term, how they came out really doesn’t matter. Congratulations on number 2 and be kind to yourself - you’ve grown two whole humans in that body of yours - that’s the amazing bit - not how they entered the world x

i had vbac. My first was elective c section due to breech so felt like there was no reason I couldn’t try for ‘natural’. Well it all went wrong 😂. Waters broke but labour didn’t progress so ended up in hospital having to be induced, epidural didn’t really work so still felt every contraction and I had forceps birth, torn stitches/infections and am left with a prolapse. In hindsight wish I’d just had another c section.

I had a vb-it was shite. Second was emergency c-section-much easier.

And also did I regret having my appendix out with no anaesthetic?
Also no.