"Some Women Shouldn't BE Mothers"

so pleased for you Levanna - that you have confidence in your skills as a mum, hope the BCN counsellor can help you

all the best

Levanna, i wanted to reply earlier but didn't have time! I am really sorry for that awful experience you had, it is truly disgusting that at your most vulnerable time some cow can be so rude!
Even though it's more than a year on i would still complain. It sounds like she is the one who was completely out of order and God forbid she should make some other mam feel so bad!
As ,(apart from the obvious thing of your daughters health), this womans attitude is the thing you remember about the Birth, you will very understandibly be worried about this one. Just think of this, she is ONE woman who was bang out of order at the worst time!
I am the last one to praise the medical proffesion as i am very sceptical/cynical about anything they say but i had LOVELY midwives and everything was great! I am just telling you this so you know that there are alot of midwives out there who will stay in your thoughts as angels! It's a sad, sad fact that you got an awful one, but this time, you might get a lovely one who appreciates you

Levanna, just read this today as I am catching up, not being on Mumsnet for a bit. Everyone has given you wonderful advice, SuzyWong that website looks like a great place to startEddm also gave you some good info on where to take this if you choose to. It is wonderful that you were able to speak about it here, this is a tremendous website and is very supportive as you can see. I also had a horrible birth experience in the hospital, my nurse spoke to me like I was some kind of a moron and told me that I was not in labor as my contractions were not at all regular, that it was not clear that my water had broken etc. As it was my first baby (and last) you just feel so vulnerable. After she put some litmus into my "ch", she did admit that my waters had broken. I went through an additional 10 hours of labor, a total change of nursing staff, and was given potosson (sp) to bring on the regular contractions.

I was then put on a monitor with no explanation, I was in horror thinking they were putting a thumbtack into my daughter's head and I couldn't move with the monitor on. I was yelled at out on and off for the next three hours by the nursing staff as each time I moved a bit, the monitor stopped working. It turned out that the cord was wrapped around my DD's neck and with each contraction her heart slowed down. I had to wait an additional 40 minutes after she crowned to get a place in the birthing room. The doctor actually had to go inside me to cut the cord away before she was "helped" out of me. When she was delivered she was rushed away from me, very ashen and was seen by a neonatal specialist as she was having trouble breathing. Thank God she stablized, she was three weeks early and just 5 pounds. I left the hosptial a day later in a complete daze with no real family support at all and had a very difficult time the first year. Sorry to go on so about my birth experience, but I don't want you to feel alone in this at all. I can't imagine being told anything like what your midwife said!! I do hope you are feeling better and that your choice for the home birth will be so much better. Going through the pregnancy is bound to bring up all of those old feelings, so this is to be expected. Today my DD is a beautiful 9 year old, so all ended quite well despite my terrible experience! You will be great this time because you have practice!

Good God Levanna, I can hardly beleive this ! What a terrible, terrible way to behave. I would report it to the hospital authorities, I know it has been a while but you should tell SOMEONE.

Hugs
WSM

Levanna, I found it really helpful to talk through my traumatic post-natal experience with the hospital's Head of Midwifery. I was coached through how I was going to approach the meeting by a wonderful local health visitor, so that I knew what I wanted to get from it. It was very empowering to get the acknowlegement and apology I was seeking.

What was said to you was absurd and abhorent, and I urge you to take it further. It really helped me, and I can now drive past the hospital without a sick shudder. May it happen for you!

Sorry to take your thread on a tangent Levanna but Chandra's story had so many echoes for me... maybe some mothers just feel threatened that their daughters are becoming mothers too? I don't know why people like your appalling midwife/some of our mothers feel they can stamp all over new mums ... perhaps there should be a new parenting manual aimed at relatives and healthcare workers telling them how to support new parents instead of stamping all over us. Hope all the responses have confirmed for you that what happened was wrong and that you have a much better experience this time.

god levanna that is so awful, at the time when you were at your most vunerable to have had someone say that to you must have been soul destroying. I agree that if you can possibly bear it you should write to the hospital, how DARE she say something like that.
What about cognitive behavourial therapy to help you get over the specific anxiety that you have been left with. poor you.

Levanna, I am very shocked. that was unprofessional of her in her role as MW, and evil, in her role as human being. You didn't do anything wrong at all. You found your baby having difficulties, and took the fastest way of getting help. Even if you HAD done something misguided or made a mistake of some kind she had no right to speak to you lke that.
God, you feel so alone and lonely in those post-natal wards, don't you? Did it happen at night?

I would echo what others have said about telling the hospital, and I am very pleased that you are doing so.

Congratulations o your pg, please enjoy your pregnancy as you deserve to do so, and get on with being a fantastic mum.

Levanna
Blimey - that's outrageous. I'm so sad that one nasty woman and her unjustified, stupid remark has had such an effect on you. You did nothing wrong and everything right in the events leading up to her stupid remark. i'm disgusted that she said such a thing and dissappointd that she seems to have got away with it.
I don't know how you get over her pathetic comment, perhaps hearing how angry it's made all the other mumsnetters will help. Perhaps hearing us all tell you that she was wrong and totally out of order and unjustified and that you didn't do anything wrong, at all, will help? Perhaps trying to make a complaint about her now would help?
Sometimes people in the medical profeession are great at their actual job but have absolutley no people skills. Your situaltion was way beyond just good people skills but reading other comments and in my own experience some of these people shouldn't be allowed near the general public.

hi levanna
so sorry tohear about the appalling way you were treated in hospital. Soemthing very similar happened to me on the ward when ds started choking on what I think was just his own mucus but the nurse in charge said was my breastmilk and it was my fault for not burping him properly/putting him down wrong. I remember the trauma of seeing him being recusitated and blaming myself but of course, it wasn't anyone's fault. I'm just boring you with my life story cos I hope it will help to know that I can totally and utterly identify with how you felt that day. It also knocked my confidence a lot for the first few months but I was lucky not to develop depression.
I also remember another nicer nurse on the ward telling me that I must tell my husband about it the next day and I did - I don't think he ever really realised how awful it had been for me but it did help me to be able to share it with him - in a way it just made it seem a less serious incident because he didn't actually realise how terrible it had been. I hope that sharing your story with us and now starting to talk to other people about it is also helping you. Remember, mumsnetters are always here (there always seems to be someone on line!) to help out too.
love

Levanna, it is dreadful what this woman has done, I had a similar experience though not comming from the midwives but my mother.

My labour was very long and a bit traumatic but the midwives were great (at least those of the pre-delivery ward).The first days at home went like a breeze, I was expecting a caos but I found those first weeks very easy, I was relaxed, the baby was relaxed and all seemed under control so I felt I was doing a good work as a mother and I was a bit (very) proud of myself, then DM arrived... she crticised EVERYTHING from the way we bathed DS to the way we changed his nappies, I even heard her telling DS that we were going to kill him with such a bad care AND telling MIL that I was very stupid trying to go through labour for such a long time (as if I had a word on the length of the process or I could have ordered a cesarean), and that somebody should have decided for me as I didn't know what I was doing and could have damaged the baby. Even the pride I felt in being OK with such a dreadful childbirth was taken away. When she left a week later I was feeling the worst mother in the world.

Ds had been misteriously choking since he was born but every doctor, mw and hv told us it was normal (as usual), until he started chocking in front of a dr who finally send him for a check at the hospital were they dicovered DS had born with a condition that made him choke with his own larynx. When I rang my mother to tell her we where in hospital she didn't ask what had happened, she just spurted "you don't take care of him".

I was so mad with her that not only my confidence came back, but now I retaliate with all that I know when she dares to criticise, however, I have noticed that this reaction sometimes has gone beyond my mother, and don't know if this is a good or bad thing, however... I don't regret it, I was bit tired of playing the role of a doormat....

Well after such a novel of my life I just want to say that I understand how you feel and tell you that taking actions into it has helped me feel much better about myself so, if you are worried about the scene being repated talk to your current midwife, I'm sure she will take care to hear your concerns and pass them to the delivery ward staff, I don't know if they could discipline the midwife, specially after such a long time, but at least they will make sure that such sort of thing will not happen again. *hugs

Wow Levanna. What an unbelievably stupid thing to say! What a witch. If I were in your position I would definately make a formal complaint in writing to the hospital, it will make you feel more in control. The woman should be hauled over hot coals for whst she has done to you. I hope this is a turning point for you so you can enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.

Levanna
I echo Marina about the counselling. The link I posted is for the birth Crisis Network founded by Sheila Kitiznger. I found them entirely sympathetic and very empowering and it was done over the phone.

Naturally I don't wish to put any pressure on you but it coyld be a good st`rting point.

Posey, that is very reassuring to know hospitals take letters of complaint seriosly.

I echo everyone else's sentiments and feel you HAVE to write to the hospital concerned.
3 years ago I was pregnant, went for a routine scan and the baby had died. It is known as a missed abortion (I think some places now call it a missed miscarriage probably to help prevent what happened to me). I was admitted to a general ward, not gynae, to have surgery to have it removed and was treated appallingly. I couldn't understand why the nurses were being very short with me etc until I overheard one say to another "You take the woman who's had the abortion, I don't want to". Now its not for anyone to judge me even if I'd had an abortion, but I hadn't. A few hours before I'd been happily pregnant.
I was discharged soon after, but this bothered me so much. The staff had no idea what a missed abortion was. So I wrote to the unit manager. My main reason was I wanted no-one to go through what I did.(This is also one of the reasons that I have such a large gap between my 2)
As an ex-nurse, I can tell you letters of complaint as well as praise do get taken seriously. Even after all this time I would write a letter to them. I would also discuss all you've told us with your midwife to ensure you get the birth and important postnatal care you deserve.
Very best wishes to you

Maybe this really nasty woman was thinking more of her own panic and her own situation. Blaming you for scaring her? No justification - just, like others, reading and re-reading this and wondering how on earth a health professional could ever say something like this to a new mother.
Levanna, you should, if you can, go back to the hospital (not physically if that's too stressful), and make a complaint about this to the Head of Midwifery or Women's Services. There should be a record of the incident in your dd's notes which may enable you to get a name if you don't recall it.
I had reason to complain about my treatment at a hospital but did not do so at the time, and it took counselling to get it out of my system later. Talking it through with someone, whether a manager at the hospital, or a counsellor, might help you gain some kind of closure on this horrible experience. You do not deserve to have your second pregnancy and birth spoilt by dreading something like this happening again - although I think and hope that would be pretty rare, most midwives are not like this. I wonder if the NCT might be able to help you find an appropriate listener or avenues to explore.
I hope talking about it here has helped you - Mumsnet can be very therapeutic as well as good fun and good company. Welcome!

I have nothing to add to this except my support. Sadly, I can believe it - my experience of hospital with dd1 was what made me have dd2 at home. I'm so so sorry.

Levanna

this may be of some help, although your trauma was after you gave birth, it was still connected to the experience.

this

I called have used the service and they helped me to put things in to perspective.

I've read it 3x now and I still can't figure out what the midwife was trying to say Levanna did wrong... um, nope, really have no idea. I think the MW was just having a bad day... maybe she was talking about herself!?

Levanna I can't believe that this woman said this to you. I think you should report her, if for no other reason than to prevent her doing the same thing to someone else. Is it possible you could have misheard her as it sounds like a v odd sort of thing to say.

I think the fact that you are now talking about this on mumsnet is a good start to not letting this affect your next birth (congratulations by the way!).

Levanna I can't believe that this woman said this to you. I think you should report her, if for no other reason than to prevent her doing the same thing to someone else. Is it possible you could have misheard her as it sounds like a v odd sort of thing to say.

I think the fact that you are now talking about this on mumsnet is a good start to not letting this affect your next birth (congratulations by the way!).

Levanna,

So sorry to hear about your horrible experience with the Midwife. I think if a midwife said that to anyone just after they'd given birth it would be likely to cause depression.

As someone said, I think it would be a good idea to tell your GP about it. Did you have any form of treatment for post-natal depression? The GP might be able, if you think it could help, to refer you for counselling to help you deal with the issues and feelings that becoming pregnant again has unlocked.

You mentioned planning a home-birth for this baby, that sounds like a wonderful idea.
How about using a Doula to support you emotionally throughout the birth? It might make you feel more confident knowing you've got someone with you throughout who will understand your feelings about the Midwives, and would never let anything be said to you that might upset you.

I think you've already taken a big step towards feeling better by telling us on MN.

Elena xxx

I'm sorry I don't have anything to add to what has already been said, except for to add my outrage and sympathy. What a dreadful and frankly baffling thing to say.