What's it like if your child has a different surname to the mother?

We are married now but when we had DD I gave her my surname as if we split wanted the same name as her since she would live with me. I really didn't want a different name to my kids. When we married, we both changed to DH surname.

I'm married, but a non-name-changer. We will give our children both names (merged together into one), as they sound nice together, but if they didn't we would definitely put both in there, with one as a middle name. Is there any way of combining the two names into a new one?

I'm in the same situation, I think, as janeite. I got married and changed my name then got divorced. My married name is now very much my "work" name so I never changed it back. My dc have dp's name as I wouldn't want them to have effectively my ex-h's name nor my never used maiden name.

Never been a problem.

Never been an issue for us.

I'm similar to LSITD in that we're married but I use my own name. DCs have DH's surname. I felt that, had they had my name, people would have assumed he was their stepdad and I didn't want that (nothing against stepdads, they're fab, I just wanted him to be recognised as their dad). I've never encountered any problems, apart from one stupid midwife who couldn't understand that I was married but had a different surname to DH - she assumed I must be married to someone else!

FWIW, it's also a useful lesson in feminism for your baby when s/he gets a bit older.

My two dds have dp's surname. I kept my name from my marriage because that was my 'work' name, rather than reverting back to my maiden name. Dp and I aren't married but if we ever do get around to it, I will not take his name. It's fine; never been a problem.

DH and I have been married for 20 years, I have never been Mrs X or used his surname. When the DCs came along, I actually thought it would be more odd for them to have my surname than his, as people may assume they were not his kids, which seemed unfair!

No-one has ever said anything about it - I just use my name and the DCs use theirs.

My daughter had a different surname to me for the first 10 months of her life (until I married her dad) and we never encountered any problems, despite me having had a very German name and hers being very English.

DS has DH's surname. I carried him for nine months, felt him moving around inside me, gave birth to him, breast fed him and spend most of my days with him. Giving him DH's surname seems (to me) to equal the balance somewhat. It doesn't really occur to me that we have different names and so far hasn't caused any problems. I suppose people assume I'm not married to DS's dad but that's not a problem. Hyphenating our surnames would have sounded ridiculous.

It's fine - we got around it by giving DCs my surnames as middle names. That way they can choose to keep, drop or swap their 3 surnames around when they're older. Part of the reason was that DH's name is shorter and less complicated than my (foreign) ones. I like his surname, but would have been sad not to have mine on their birth certificates.

I regret not giving the dc's my surname. Now me and and xp have split up (and it is looking likely they will never know their dad) I would feel more secure if me and the dc's had the same name. I don't think there's much I can do about it. Mind you, we're not likely to be going on any flights for many years so at least I haven't got that problem to worry about.

I have opted to keep my maiden name. The children have their dad's surname. We haven't had any problems at all.

I think the issue for you will be trying to decide which surname you give your children.

moomaa, Yes, I wish I'd stood up for my sur name more. It was equal and I treated it like it was lesser. Now I am raising my children on my own with no financial contribution and they have the sur name of a man who pops in three or four times a year with some cheap plastic tat!! I would like if they had the sur name of the grandparents who mind them when I'm busy, or the uncle who is so generous to them (my brother), or me godamit!!

ah well, it's not the end of the World I know that. But if I could go back in time to that register office....

Congratulations!

I have read about women who have really regreted not giving their children their own surname, when they have gone on to be with other partners, as they all end up with different names, but there's no reason to think that you won't end up with your current partner.

I am always a bit that women are automatically expected to concede their surname in situations like this - esp, given that they carried and gave birth to the child.

Double-barrelling definitely does not always work - do not force it if it doesn't!

Imagine DBing an o'Irish surname with a McScottish surname - that is pretty much what we would have faced, and would have looked like buffoons if we'd gone through with it, no matter which order we'd placed them in.

I have a differant surname to the kids and it's never once been an issue (eldest is 5)

I've even flown with the baby and forgotton his birth cert and not had any problems (security didn't even ask)

only irritation atm is the fact that when ds2 was in SCBU he was there under my name so now all his hospital records are in my name stil and i keep forgetting to bring a copy of his birth cert to them so they can be changed

I am not in this situation, but if I was, I would use my surname for our children, and I told my DP this before we married. More often than not the Mum sticks with the kids when the Dad doesn't and it would be better if children took the mother's surname to reflect this.

ps, if he's ok with using your sur name, use your sur name!!!

I'm in this position. My children have a different sur name. I wasn't married to their Dad. At the time I did have a niggling feeling that by giving them their Dad's name even when we weren't married, I was giving everything away, but it would have caused a huge row. So I ended up with two children with their Dad's name. I never did marry him. Actually I left him. It is annoying. Doctors, health workers, teachers, their friends' mums call me Mrs Their-Dad's-Name. Which is a little irritating. I always just quickly say, 'I'm MYOWNNAME'.

If I were you I'd insist on putting your own sur name in and using the two. I wish I'd done this. Then I could have just 'used' mine and let his go in everyday life, just retaining both sur names for the official documentation.

I know you won't want to go plan for splitting up, but if you're not actually married then surely he can't object to a double barrelled sur name just on the birth cert. You can use whichever you choose to if the legal stuff is in place.

I just have to shrug and live with my children having their Dad's sur name.

Oops to typos above!

I have the same surname as my step-son and his birth mum doesn't, and for a long time the school responded more readily to me than her despite her having primary custody and having acutally given birth to him. This is a Catholic school in a non-deprived/ not very deiverse area though -I suspect the vast majority of schools are much more used to dealing with different surname combos!

I once read something about men with a different surname to their child being less bonded to it but I suspect they were losers (or it was written by family values evangelists?!). You sound like nice people in a solid relationship so I'm sure whichever surname you go for your DP will be an active, happy and bonded dad!!

My surname is different to dh and my kids (18, 16,13). We have only ever had one problem - a school nurse wouldn't do an eyetest on ds when he was 5, as she didnt 'know who had signed the form'. They have had injections since in school, no bother. We have been to USA, various European countries, North Africa and Turkey - no bother with flights, hotels etc.

I used to have a different name to my children until I got married in the summer and it didn't make any difference, even at passport control. I thought it might be troublesome flying into the US by myself with DS and I filled in two forms for us but the official ripped up his form as unnecessary.

I must admit though I hated not being the same as the rest of my family. I couldn't wait to be the same as them and changed my name as soon as we got married.

A friend of mine's DD has a different name to her and on 3 DD (under 4) has been seated away from her on plane trips (twice just the 2 of them traveling!) and the airlines were very difficult about it as all seats were allocated and it had to be sorted when they got on the plane. She has since married her DDs father and they are now automatically seated together without charge, prior to them having the same name the airline said they would have to pay extra when booking for seats together, as only automatic when names the same! Crazy!

Just to add from the child's perspective - my mum didn't change her name on marrying, so I have a different surname from her. (I have her surname as a middle name, maybe you could consider this).

It never caused any practical problems and it never bothered me in the slightest (and this was back when it was much less common).