What's it like if your child has a different surname to the mother?

I have a different surname to my son and partner but we came to the conclusion that we will eventually marry and regaurdless of what life throws at us his dad will always have that surname (I personally don't plan on keeping my surname forever though.) I must say I am always called by my boys surname anyway, despite not wearing a ring everyone always presumes i'm Mrs... Maybe you should use both names? I know my partner would've been really upset if our little one didn't share his name but I suppose if I felt strongly we would have had to discuss it. My friends actually thought he should've had my name but like everything to do with your family it's your decision and you'll do whats best for you

Really interesting to hear of other people's experiences and opinions on this, as I figured we couldn't be the only ones in this type of situation (married, didn't change my name, both want to use our surnames).

Our surnames don't really work together but I've also been thinking that using both as surnames will make it difficult for dc when/if they meet someone and have kids of their own. What if 2 surname child falls for another 2 surname child, does their child have 4 surnames? And so on.

Great post from Barbaraaxt about dropping the surnames you don't like but doesn't this risk offending some of the grandparents?

Our dc will have both our names, one as a middle name. The question is which one. Flip a coin?

But tryingtoleave, I was the one who didn't want to get married in our case! (DP agreed mind you, and we did have a different event instead of getting married, which serves to prove commitment etc). The way you said it makes it sound like it's always the woman who wants to get married and the man doesn't always want to because of lack of commitment - I don't suppose you mean exactly this but it's how it came across to me...

(That's separate to the actual point about babies' surnames, where we're looking at using both surnames, so not just his - or just mine.)

I would think a lot of children have different surnames to thier mothers. Mine all have. My eldest two have thier dads surname, my youngest has her dads surname as will my unborn baby. I will have 4 children by two different dads. Shocker.

Never been a problem so far. I'm glad actually, I was bullied for my surname in school

oh yes DS has two middle names both come from DH family and the second one is DH last name. if that makes sense.

I am married but do not use my DH name... and our DS has my last name. The reasons- well, I am the last to have the surname and as a mother I do most of the dealings with schools,doctors, forms etc and I wanted to have the same name to stop any confusion and also my DH was not that bothered either way. I get a few raised eyebrows from people. Not just older ones, friends of ours especially the husbands think it is strange that my DH doesn't want/need his name passed on. Quite a few people just ignore it and write cards to DS as DH lastname + My lastname. It does annoy me a bit....

When I divorced xh I never got round to changing my name back. Both dds have his surname but my maiden name in the middle(as did I). When I remarried I changed my name to dhs as it would have been weird Mrs XH and as we are having children together I didn't want to have baby xh IYSWIM.

Our baby will have my maiden name as a middle so there will be a link between me, dds and new baby.

I was also the last of my line with my maiden name and we don't meet many people with that name.

The only complicated one I heard was Dc1 had mums name, DC2 had Dads and DC3 had both double barrelled so the 3 children had different surnames. This causes confusion at schools but there is no reason why children have to have one or the other.

I am also really surprised that so many unmarried women give their children their partner's name. I would never consider doing this until dp had made a commitment to his children and partner by getting married.

Dh suggested we give one child his surname and one mine, but I felt like that was portioning out the children so we gave them both his surname. It is a pretty awesome surname and I wasn't too fussed. It certainly hasn't caused any problems.

I think in your situation I would use your surname for your dc.

Don't double-barrell if it doesn't sound nice, your child won't thank you for it.

genealogists wont struggle to trace anyone.most info is now on a pc somewhere from when born,to when you used your travel card,to when you last saw gp

"I honestly don't understand why unmarried, unless engaged, mothers give their children their partner's name."

But they're the father's children, too. The marital status doesn't change that one bit.

My DC's have DP's surname as when we were pregnant with dc1 we were talking of getting married. 15 years later we are still together but not married. I wish we had doubled barrelled the names like my sis has as I don't like not having the same surname. It has caused a few hassles and I have had to carry birth certificates for when they say it must be a parent who registers them for bank accounts or passports.
If we did marry I would take his name, even at 34. It won't make too much of a difference as I think a lot of places are used to children having different surnames to their parents so they don't look at you like you are the nanny or CM.

I have a different surname to my OH and my dcs, the only time it bothers me is when the schol refuse to acknowledge I have a different surname to the kids - they alway address me as Mrs Smith (the kid's pretend surname for this example) - it's just laziness and a refusal to budge from tradition...which actually pretty much sums up the school!

We weren't married when we had our first two children, they have his surname. I was really really reluctant to give my surname up when we did marry last year but to be honest, it's a lot easier now that we all have same surname. I got to the point where I was maiden name at docs, two bank accts etc, and married name on our joint account, council tax, mortgate. Really irritating.

It has taken me a year to concede that I may as well use his surname, although as you sign marriage cert with maiden name, obviously you are under no obligation to take his name. I am keeping one bank acct in my maiden name though!

My niece has her dad's surname and now her parents are divorced, my SIL has reverted to maiden name and my niece really doesn't like the fact she's got a different surname to her mum and also to her cousins.

Our 3 are double barrelled AND have 2 middle names each, so really long names which they love! I am married (to their dad!) but would never cahnge my name (not so keen on his family). Have you thought about combining your names> I know 2 families who have done this, parents have taken new name as well, it's such a lovely idea I think to make a new name for a new generation. eg, if you were thompson and he was Allen, you could be thomlen, or alson etc.

our girls have my surname, not dp's (who is father of both!) - and he's been away on holiday with dd1 without me and dd2, and there hasn't been a problem. Tis modern life, I think.

my dd (22 months) has my dps surname, mind you we do intend to get married so it made sense. I am currently pregnant with dc2 and this one will also have dps last name. I think its personal preference. There is no right or wrong in this situation just make sure it is a decision you both agree on.

My ds has my dh's surname. Both surnames are very unusual - but mine particularly so (and foreign). It deson't cause problems - although ds is now 9 and much more aware that I have a different name (but reconginsies that is is an unusal one). I have mellowed and will accept the statement that I am part of the [dh's name] family - espcially for ds' sake.

I do know of a family where one parent has an extremely unusual surname (even more so than mine ) They took the unusal decision to give their children a different surname to either of their parents.

Both of my children have my surname. It was/is really important to me that they do, even though I don't particularly like it.

I think it will be a nightmare for geneologists (sp?) of the future to trace families if mothers and children don't have the same surname.

I once went on a home visit to a flat with 6 names on the door, the mother's and the 5 children with different surnames!

I honestly don't understand why unmarried, unless engaged, mothers give their children their partner's name.

Reading replies has made me realise how unusual we must be, although I do know several families IRL who have done the same. We had both our children before we got married. They both have my surname, so Dh is the only one in the family who has his own surname. I just asked hm if he ever gets called Mr Myname and he said 'no of course not'. Not at all defensive then

When we were expecting DC1, I said I really wanted him / her to have my surname. I had always felt strongly about it, partly due to reasons which could be called feminist and partly because I like my name and it seemed highly likely it would not get continued to another generation if I didn't use it on my children. At the time he did not object at all, saying that he did want a family name (actually not his own surname) to be the middle name for any children. We did this and it has not caused any problems at all.

The post script to this is that a few years ago when dh got into family history [yawn] he started saying he regretted it (them not having his surname), but this regret is pretty low key. Since marrying several years ago I did not change my surname to his (er, rather obviously). What I find alternately hilarious and annoying is that certain members of BOTh our extended familes now do insist in addressing us as the 'his name' family, and giving me and the children his surname when addressing envelopes etc.

rochester, in Brazil the usual thing to do when people get married, if they want to change the name, is to drop the mother's and add the husband's name as a last one, keeping 2 family names. However, some women simply add the husband's name, though, and keep 3 family names (or more!).

To tell the truth, the thing is fairly flexible, you can drop whatever name you're not very fond of and add the one you like most It's usually not a big deal, each couple finds their way.

comixminx, if you're half Brazilian you have a great excuse for keeping both surnames! To me, the combination of our names sounds perfectly reasonable, but my English friends seem a bit shocked when they hear the two surnames together. Anyway, he will probably only use one in his daily life (probably the father's), but I think it's important that he has both names.

Back on olden days... my Husbands brother was born out of wedlock and given his Mums name. Then they got married and his Dad had to adopt him so they could have same name!