Partner now insists baby names must begin with A after our agreement

My mum and grandad had the same first initial and obviously surname. What this meant ( grandads rule) was any letter that came with the initial and surname in had to be left for my grandad to open even if it looked obvious that it was for one or the other.
My grandad wasn’t a control freak at all but he was unshakable on this. So years later when I came along my mum and dad were discussing names and my mums only real stipulation was that the baby (me) did not have the same first initial as either of my parents.

A name as the middle name to compromise?

He clearly isn't the kind of person who 'does' compromise. His idea of a compromise is to insist on getting half of his way now and then the other half a bit later.

In my family all the men had the same first name passed down through the generations. Until my mum said no and called my brother something else. No one died!

You aren't married, so you shouldn't be taking his name and your kids should have your last name. You don't need to take him with you to register the baby and you can't be made to adhere to his choices. I think the person who is pregnant and has to give birth should get final say if agreement cannot be reached.

A name as the middle name to compromise?

Weirdly my husband, his sister and dad were all A names and my son is also an A name. Baby number 2 could end up being an A as one of our favourites is Alice but it's not because of the letter. Me and husbands mam would be the only ones with no A name.

What names are you considering?

Sorry OP, but he sounds like a complete idiot.

I just hope you don't end up with a little ABBAkromby or Arsenalia, with their names tattooed on their foreheads.

Ok so OP I'm going to skip the discussion of the tattoo and whether he is a bully, as ultimately you seem ok about those issues (though I have questions) and move straight to trying to help you with the name.

Why don't you list your preferences and we can see if we can help.

Oh yeah. And if you give in on this baby. Obviously all your babies will be As. And then your kids will have to have this fight with him when THEY have babies.

And you'll be the weird A family.

So he thought he got the surname and the first name. Like that a genuinely what he thought the agreement was?

Has he never seen your name list?

I don't believe he thought this was the agreement. I think he knew he could get it both ways, what are you going to do, change your name back? Of course not. You're pregnant, then post natal, you're vulnerable af during this time. His whole family are on his side, they will bully you into it.

He will probably get his way.

If you’ve carried and birthed a baby then you’re the one that gets the privilege of naming. You earned it. End of. Your OH can have his preferences but that’s all they are.

I disagree with this, as it's basically a symbolic early way of establishing the baby as primarily yours, with him just being a much lesser figure on the sidelines. It can herald the first steps to all the responsibility automatically being seen as yours too - as it's YOUR baby that YOU birthed, remember - with him 'helping you' but only if/when he feels like being 'kind'.

Name choices should be equal, with any option that either one of the parents doesn't like/want being automatically discounted from the contenders - be that specific names, names beginning with a certain initial, flower names, one-syllable names or whatever.

I'm a bit lost here. Is DP a DH? If not, why would changing your name even come up in conversation? Over the last 15 years or so mothers have dropped the ball and normalised the family name being that of the father/partner if unmarried but actually changing ones name when not married could be a new low

The problem with your partner is if you agree A name for this baby he'll expect the same for second baby and that is not fair.

Yes, I agree, going on his previous MO. He might even 'agree' that, as long as he gets to choose the first one, you can choose something different for the second one... but then, when baby no 2 is on their way, he will 'forget' or deny that you ever agreed that, and say how unfair it is for the second baby (and any subsequent ones) to be 'excluded from the family tradition, as though they're somehow inferior'.

As PP pointed out, if you're married, he might find an excuse to go out and register the baby's name alone 'as you have enough to think about whilst you're recovering from the birth' - and automatically follow the 'family' tradition that he's insisted on.

What if baby A grows up and falls in love with someone whose family tradition is that all names have to start with a T?

This is the big thing I don't get when people insist on multi-generational family naming traditions. Surely it's obvious (we hope) that the child's other parent will come from a different family, and so will either already have their own family naming tradition or otherwise may well not want to take on somebody else's. It's very presumptuous to insist on it.

Sounds like he just wants it his way but he plays the little game of compromise so you think you’re getting a say.

It’s basically his way or the highway.

Be prepared op, your baby will have an ‘A’ name.

No, no, no. Absolutely not. This essentially means that his parents' decision dictates what v you call your children (and what they call theirs, and they call theirs...).

I know someone who married into a family where every first born son was called John. It's just another way of men enforcing their ego -driven patriarchy. Fuck that.

Even if you had kept your own surname, that's your choice and yours alone. Naming your children is a joint choice. You shouldn't have agreed to any kind of a "deal".

If he's going to make this a "thing" I'd pick some hideous "A" names that he can't possibly like and then some beautiful other names. If he chooses a horrible "A" name over other nicer options you'll know he's an inflexible moron who needs to appease his mum and dad over making his wife and children happy.

A cautionary tale - my friend has the same initial as his dad (let's say L. Davis). In his teens he realised he was gay and had some post sent to the house from a "European" magazine publisher. Of course his dad opened the parcel addressed to Mr L Davis, and my poor friend was outed in a very humiliating way to his very religious parents, way before he was ready. He strongly advised me not to give any of our children the same initial as DH or I.

Your child's name has to be something you BOTH love. You shouldn't have made any sort of "deal" - this is your child's name, they will have it all their lives and you both have to call them by it! I could never ever name my child something I wasn't fully on board with.

You both need to make lists of names you love. When you have a name that makes both lists, that's what you name your child. If one of you doesn't like the name, it's back to the drawing board.

My DH really wanted to use his late dad's name for our baby girl - a female version of it. It was really important to him. I didn't like the name and so we ruled it out. We chose something else that we both liked!

If it helps, there's a baby name app you can download that you and your partner both have, and it pings up names and you can like or dislike them. Then it tells you if you've both liked the same name. Can't remember what it's called but maybe that would help!

I am just interested how far apart your name choices are? He is ridiculous for what it is worth. I couldn't even pick a name for my last child, and either could he, we just went with solid. The name never matters as much when the person gets here safely.

‘Dh, If you can go back on important agreements about our kids and lives so can I. I’m changing my name back and baby will have a name I like and my last name. That’s the kind of trick you’re trying to pull on your pregnant wife so you deserve nothing less. There is no way I will let you pick baby’s name I don’t like AND we all have your last name, I’m not property and I won’t be bullied.’

I am guessing Jane Asmo married John Deus
or Jane Mephis married John Topheles

It's a tradition that isn't sustainable in the long run. Plus what about if your own parents had stuck their oar in.
That said, I love Aurelie with an accent and Alexander. Could you compromise on second name with an a?
My family have done matchy names before the Kardashians did it.
I just haven't heard a letter extended across all families. So me and 2 siblings have the same letter. My siblings' kids have the same (different) letter. Mine have the same (different) letter.
Wish I hadn't done it now though.

Me and my husband both have names that start with S. I took his last name. We didn't follow a tradition but it worked out that two of our children also have S names. It's a right pain when mail arrives addressed to S LastName.

Your children aren't extensions of your DH and you had an agreement. I'd take back your last name if he can't stick to his side of it. Just because his parents started something, doesn't mean he has to continue it. Will he be upset if your grandchildren don't start with A?

I have noticed families who do this tend to be very enmeshed

Margot, Mikey, Milly and Matilda, that sort of thing.

Jack, John and Joe…. I mean for the love of god, it’s the collective family identity 🤢 🚩

Well, he "just thought " wrong then, didn't he.

Your agreement was very clear - he chose your and the DC's surname, so you get to choose their first names.

You would never have agreed to what he's saying he thought was the agreement, it's obviously bollocks, and he knows that.

The only possible resolution is that you choose baby's name. You could allow an A middle name...

This - and what about post as they grow up; how will you know who it’s for if everyone is A Surname?

As a Luciferian I am intrigued....