Would you honour your MIL and not your own mum?

Just name her after your MIL if that's what you want to do. No need to discuss it with anyone.

*wish not swish 🙄

I gave one of my children his great grandfather's middle name(on my husband's side)as said child's middle name.
I massively regret doing so as the great grandad and great grandmother couldn't have been less interested in my children and I swish I'd not bothered tbh
They are adults now but I do regret our choice

If your MiL is a good hands on grandmother and nice MiL to you then you should absolutely honour her. It will mean so much to her. Your own Mum wasn't there for you so won't be surprised.

Do you have any great great great Grandmothers names to use?

I know how you feel- but I was saved the angst by having twins!

Should I let her know before I announce the baby’s name?
Why do you need to announce the name.
Just let MIL know that baby’s middle name is to honour her.
You only need to tell everyone else baby’s first name.

Nothing wrong with just going with your MIL’s name - what other name would you choose to go with it? I like the suggestion of finding a name that links to your dad’s name if that works.

Fwiw my kids’ names (first and 2 middles) are all linked to my family/culture. They have DH’s surname so we felt that was fair. DH’s family have never mentioned it and tbh I don’t care what they think in private. My kids my choice.

Tess Louise are an adorable pair of middle names. Just think if it as one name from your dh’s side and one middle name from your side. And it’s kind of acknowledging your mum in that (I’m assuming) she chose your name.

Just call her after your MIL. There's no need to pussyfoot around it.

There's no way I'd have used my mum's name for either of my daughter's middle names. My daughter used her paternal grandmother's name for her DD, which pleased me greatly, because my MIL was a truly wonderful woman and a wonderful grandmother. My own Mum (who was a very difficult person) knew, but didn't turn a hair at MIL's name being used and not hers.

I don’t see any problem with just using mil’s name.
She is just as closely related to your kids as your mum is and your dh should have just as much say as you when it comes to naming them.

Why don’t you use your name or your middle name as well as your MIL’s.

It's fine. Reality is reality and your mum should feel honoured enough that she's in your life despite the past she created. Lovely for you MIL.

Don't announce the middle name or only the second one?

How is mum going to know unless else sees the birth certificate?

Why should we pussyfoot around the sensibilities of crap parents, whether men or women, and try to pretend that they matter?
Like @GoFigure235 says it's not your fault that she was a shit mom so use the mils name and feel no guilt whatsoever

I think it's fine

Could you not reframe it as your partner honouring his mum?

I guess it’s not so bad if your other DC are named after great grandparents rather than having 3 DC named after 3 grandparents and one parent left out. I suppose you could plausibly tell your DM that she isn’t named after your MIL, you just love the name.

Those saying just use both names so your mum isn't upset are completely ignoring the fact OP clearly states she doesn't want to use her mum's name.

OP, you absolutely shouldn't use a name which makes you uncomfortable just to appease someone else or avoid upsetting someone. That totally goes against the idea of using a name to honour someone.

In your circumstances, it sounds like it absolutely should be your MIL's name which is used, and I'm sure she'll be touched. Do you have any thoughts on what the other middle name will be, assuming you will use two again? Just a thought, could the other name be your own? If it works and you want to, that is. That could sort of be a nod to your mum, by using the name she chose for you, without explicitly naming your child after her, which is a honour it sounds like she doesn't deserve based on the past.

You absolutely shouldn't feel guilty or need to explain to her why you're not using her name. The reasoning should be pretty obvious to her and, even if she is a bit hurt, she'd have no right to outwardly show it or hold it against you as it sounds like she only has herself to blame for why you don't wish to use her name.

I think it's fine. You don't get to be a shit mum and let your kids down and then expect them to kowtow to you in later life. If she has a shred of self-reflection, she must recognise that she did a pretty poor job as a parent and that others are dearer to you as a result.

Reversing the sexes, it's a bit like the "men are equally important parents" or "he's the father, of course he should get a say in his baby's name" bollocks you see on some threads where the likelihood of the parent in question ever turning up or even paying for their kid is minuscule.

Why should we pussyfoot around the sensibilities of crap parents, whether men or women, and try to pretend that they matter?

You were unfortunate enough to have one duff parent who let you down growing up and I fail to see why, added to that burden, you should also have to pretend that she means more to you than she actually does just to preserve the niceties.

Give your child a name that makes you smile when you write it down on forms because it reminds you of someone wonderful.

Your mum failed you when you needed her. She’s bloody lucky there’s a relationship at all - if she kicks off or tries to make you feel guilty, cut her off.

Could you use a female version of your dad’s name?