Would you honour your MIL and not your own mum?

I've done that. Like you have a really complex relationship with my mum & my mother in laws name really goes with my daughters name too. Probs wouldn't consider it if she had a name I didn't like tbh 🤣 but I am really close with her too & she was so happy when she found out.

Using your MIL's name is lovely. It seems it will mean a lot to you all. It would be fine to just have one middle name.

If you'd really like to use two middle names maybe you could find an association that is positive ..
You use your mother's favourite flower,
Your father's name (female version)
Place where you were born.
Mothers favourite colour.
Have two other names you like and ask your mother to choose.

Just use the name and don't mention honouring anyone to your side of the family, she might not even notice.

What they ^ said. Use your dmil's name, if your mother asks you, tell her you plan to use hers for the next one.

I would use your MILs name and something else like a female version of your dad's name.

If your mum queries it you could say you're thinking of her name for your next child. Only you know there won't be a next child!

Maybe just say to everyone that you like the name and that’s why you are using it. I would try to depersonalise it as mush as possible to avoid any potential gloating.

Can you use a female version of your dad’s name? Kids won’t care who’ve they’ve been named after m but they will notice if they don’t have the same amount of names, so give child 3 2 middle snakes even if the second is random. You don’t have to honour everyone. We can’t with only ever having one child and have decided to give them their own names.

People who are suggesting you should use you mothers name to be fair don’t understand what you’ve been through growing up. You owe her nothing. Use your MILs name and nothing else.

This

No matter how fond of them I might be, MiL and my mother both have godawful names, so it would be a cold day in hell before I named a baby after either.

Just use the MIL name and feel no guilt.

We used partners step Dad's name for one of ours and neither of our Dad's know about it

Do you have any sisters or aunts that you're close to, OP?

Sorry to be pedantic but in your thread title you've asked what we would do, but that's irrelevant really as you want advice on your specific situation. My MIL is an incredibly toxic person so there's no way I'd use her name! However your situation is completely different and it makes sense to use your MIL's name as a middle name. I think you should do it and try your best not to feel guilty. If you want to give your DD a second middle name (like your other children) use your own middle name. Presumably your mum chose it for you so she must like it!

I think you should give your child two middle names if your other children have two, but you're not obligated to use your mum's name if your relationship is complicated.
If there's no-one else you'd name your child after you could use something like Joy or Hope.

Personally, in your situation, I would use MILs name as the middle name. If you want to stick to the 2 name tradition then is there another family member who was hands on with raising you or your DH that you’d like to include? Or a close friend? Your own name/middle name? Female version of your dad’s name? 😊

Don’t feel the need to be apologetic about your choices. It sounds like there were others that had a far more significant role in your life than your mum did and you’re honouring them for that. If she questions it then tell her simply that you’re glad you have the relationship that you have now (assuming that’s the case) but that these people play a significant role in your life/DHs life & upbringing etc

@AtomHeartMotherOfGod I agree, Tess is much nicer

Tess is a nicer name than Susanne (Suzi is the only shortened version I've ever liked; helped immensely by the owner but I know lovely Sues and Suzies too, and I'm afraid still don't dig their names). Basically, go down the practical route as well as the honour route with your justifications, if pressed.

But I agree you could make it about your partner. There's this weird idea that a baby is 'more' the mother's family's, because she did the carrying, and it's not fair on MILs, really.

If your DD has two of her great grandmother's names as middle names, surely there are two great grandmothers left to use? Same for your son and great grand fathers? Did you not have two grandmothers and two grandfathers each? If so, why can't you use the remaining two great grandmothers for DD2?

Poor MILs get such a bad rep. I can guarantee that if this was the other way around and OP was asking if it was right to honour her own mother and leave her MIL out everyone would be saying MIL will just need to suck it up etc.

Why on Earth 'should' she? OP owes her mother nothing, it is entirely up to her and her partner what names they choose. Nobody should be made to feel that they 'should' use a name just so as not to put someone's nose out of joint. That honour needs to earned, which it hasn't been in this case.

You've used grandparent names from both sides for your other children - have you no name at all from your dad's side of the family there?

I think if your dad's side were going to have their noses out of joint, it would be because you've decided to maintain a relationship with your mother on an ongoing basis. How do they feel about this? Any issues?

If the other two have two middle names then you should use both your mum's and MIL'S names for this baby. To leave your mum out would look even more pointed given the older children have three initials.

One of my daughters has already told me that she is planning to do this (assuming that she own day has a child with her current boyfriend).

She likes her possible future mother-in-law's name better than mine and intends to use it as a middle name for a daughter (if she has one).

I also prefer her name to mine, so I can hardly complain!