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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

Original poster

To want to choose my babies own name?!

84 replies

Blossomflo · 21/08/2023 15:43

I’m married to a south Italian man. We are expecting a baby boy and he insists the baby should have his fathers first name (a very common traditional name). This would mean DS would have the exact first and last name as my FIL. This is a strong tradition in the south of Italy and my FIL has been telling me randomly at dinners and things for the last 10 years my future son will be named after him.
I am more than happy to give the baby his name as a middle name, plus the surname, but want to choose a different first name. I feel that this is a sexist tradition that disregards woman’s opinions and I feel strongly my child should have his own identity. My husband for example has the exact same name as all of his male cousins and grandad.
The problem is my husband says going against this tradition would be a huge sign of disrespect and would upset him and his father so much. He brings up how much his dad has done for him and also how much he is supporting us now. I feel completely torn as I don’t want to cause upset and resentment towards me, but also don’t want to grow up feeling resentful that I was forced to name my child something I didn’t want. Help!

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Appleofmyeye2023 · 21/08/2023 15:52

As someone says, go with name as his official, but use a middle name of your choosing

My ex was like this. His fathers name, and grandads , handed down in every frigging generation. But his mum insisted, that whilst that was his official birth cert name, he was always ever known by his middle name of her choosing. it call in this day and age, be quite useful to have a name just used for official and legal docs, and another by everyone else in terms of personal detail and identity threat. I do same with my married and maiden name now I’m divorced.

or you can take the battle on. But it could have untold repercussions

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 21/08/2023 15:52

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 21/08/2023 15:51

My husband for example has the exact same name as all of his male cousins and grandad.

The OP says yes!

Ah sorry, I completely missed that line!

MarshyMcMarshFace · 21/08/2023 15:52

My DH has never in his life been called or addressed by the name on his birth certificate. Nor any shortening or Nick name if it.

Give your Ds the trad name as his ceremonial first name, give him the middle name you like and always call him the middle name. At school, to friends , all relatives except the PILs.

When he is old enough and you visit the ILs tell your Ds that it is his name for Italy that his grandparents call him.

wisherwasher · 21/08/2023 15:52

Stick to your guns and say no. My FIL is Greek and expected our son to be called after his father, he wasn't. My DH and I choose the name we wanted not what was expected.

They will have to get over it and if they don't it's their problem not yours.

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 21/08/2023 15:51

My husband for example has the exact same name as all of his male cousins and grandad.

The OP says yes!

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 21/08/2023 15:49

Just curious, is your DH named after his grandfather?

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 21/08/2023 15:48

Honestly? I think this is one of those things you have to go with. You knew this was the case before you hot married - if you’ve been having these discussions for a decade this isn’t a surprise to you.

also, your wishes for a name don’t usurp your husbands wishes.

is this the hill you want to die on? Presumably there’s no rules for subsequent children, so your DH has named the first and you can name the next?

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 21/08/2023 15:46

Hindsight is a wonderful thing and this really should have been discussed before you got pregnant. No way would I agree to this.

But, that's not much help now. If he isn't prepared compromise with you, can you imagine how the next 18 years are going to be?

Tell him that since he didn't create the baby by himself, your feelings will be taken into consideration. And since he isn't carrying and birthing said baby, he needs to show you considerably more respect that he is at the moment.

favouriteyellowsocks · 21/08/2023 15:45

Could you give him the name officially but a middle name you want and just always refer to him as the middle name?
It's obviously a big deal to your husband's family and despite having the knee jerk reaction of thinking of course you should name your baby what you want.. there's quite a big tradition there to contend with.