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Baby names

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Original poster

Sentimental Middle Name - Nervous to ask family friends!

109 replies

H1994 · 06/04/2023 10:30

Hi!

I'm 35 weeks pregnant and my OH and I have chosen a first name for our daughter - neither of us have a meaningful middle name, but wanted her to have one.

Family friends of ours lost their daughter in 2021 at aged 23 - she was an absolute angel, the most beautiful, kind and strong young woman you'd ever meet and we thought who else more inspirational to name her after.

We're heading to family friends house this evening to ask if I'd be okay for their daughters name, to be our daughters middle name - but I'm nervous... I don't want to upset them or make them feel pressured - as it's absolutely fine if they're not comfortable to let us use it!

Any advice or thoughts?

Thank you!

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Original poster
H1994 · 06/04/2023 11:17

@OliviaFlaversham I think if we were that flippant about it we probably wouldn't even be asking, we'd just use it but thanks for your thoughts

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Original poster
H1994 · 06/04/2023 11:15

@pizzaHeart definitely no expectations on anyone involved here, including my unborn child. As a middle name, it will probably not be used often, only on paperwork for things and wonderful, loving stories to tell if my daughter asks. I will read the thread though, thank you for linking that

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OliviaFlaversham · 06/04/2023 11:14

I too think it reads as though you were searching for something meaningful and came up with that. Which is different from wanting to honour their child.

Either way, I wouldn’t ask or do it as I don’t think children should be used to honour others.

Original poster
H1994 · 06/04/2023 11:11

@Derbee Having knowing me for maybe 22 years of my life, I'd like to think they'd not see us asking as 'selfish', 'hurtful' or just because I want something for my own child - but thank you for your input

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pizzaHeart · 06/04/2023 11:10

There is a thread in AIBU To be absolutely furious/heartbroken about SILs baby name choice?. It might help you to understand different views about using someone’s name.
I agree that it’s better to ask them by txt and not before but after your meet up. I also wonder if you are putting any sort of expectations on them and on your unborn baby unconsciously. She might be absolute opposite to your friends’s daughter. Do you expect them to feel that connection/ tribute ? Are you going to use that middle name often? They might think you would and then they would be disappointed that not. Or they might be upset every time it’s used because of memories or because your child would be so different to their memories.
I wouldn’t use a name of a close recently deceased person to my child because it might be too emotional yet. Also feelings are very unpredictable territory. They might say yes and regret later very much.
In my view it better to choose it as a name you always liked and ask them if it’s ok without the pressure of emotional tribute.

Original poster
H1994 · 06/04/2023 11:09

@mewkins thank you... we will consider doing it not face to face perhaps

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Original poster
H1994 · 06/04/2023 11:08

@Hoistupthemainsail definitely adding that too... thank you

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anonononon · 06/04/2023 11:08

Please go very carefully with this.
2 years down the line this is probably very very raw still for your friends.
10 years after my brother died, the only input my mother had into baby names was a plea not to put my brothers name into our sons name.

Original poster
H1994 · 06/04/2023 11:06

@TwoCoffeesandAMilkshake fair enough, thanks for your thoughts

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Hoistupthemainsail · 06/04/2023 11:04

H1994 · 06/04/2023 10:49

@Hoistupthemainsail thank you, and yes - I'll definitely consider wording... will just say something along the lines of 'We wanted to ask you, and there is absolutely no pressure to say yes at all - but we've chosen a first name for our Daughter, and wanted a middle name that was meaningful - and we can't think of anyone more inspiring and meaningful to us than 'NAME'...?

Yes this is good perhaps followed with the suggestion that they have time to think about it and if you don't hear from them you will absolutely choose something else so they don't feel put on the spot. Good luck!

Derbee · 06/04/2023 11:03

Awful. You’re using their grief and their daughters name, because you WANT a “meaningful” name for your baby.

Selfish, weird, hurtful. I think that would probably be it for me, friendship wise. I’d be shocked, cry after you left, and distance myself from you.

Original poster
H1994 · 06/04/2023 11:00

@CleaningOutMyCloset thank you for your advice

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TwoCoffeesandAMilkshake · 06/04/2023 11:00

It,s your daughter’s name. It always feels strange to me to tie them to something that has nothing to do with them. Especially something so sad. Give them their own name to own for themselves.

Original poster
H1994 · 06/04/2023 10:59

@latetothefisting this sounds really good actually - yeah, I'll make sure they know they have time and if we don't hear then it's fine :)

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CleaningOutMyCloset · 06/04/2023 10:56

No don't do it, there's a thread on here where an op's SIL has used her dead sisters name. Different circumstances, but it just goes to show that these things can be very emotive and I think unless you've lost someone like this, you don't know how you'll react to this type of scenario

latetothefisting · 06/04/2023 10:54

I think it's fine but maybe make sure they are under no obligation to give you an answer straightaway or to give any reason if they don't want you to do it.

Perhaps say something like "dobt feel you need to say anthing now, have a think about it, if you are happy for us to use it send me a message, if we don't hear from you we will pick something else". That way if they are genuinely happy for you to use it they'll probably say straight away "yes of course thank you so much we're honoured" but if not they don't have to worry about upsetting you or how to word their answer.

mewkins · 06/04/2023 10:52

AFlockOfTigers · 06/04/2023 10:48

This is something that maybe I'd rather ask over text or WhatsApp so they're not put on the spot in person. But maybe not.

I would do this too. That way they can think about it for as long as they need. I think it's really lovely for what it's worth.

Original poster
H1994 · 06/04/2023 10:49

@Hoistupthemainsail thank you, and yes - I'll definitely consider wording... will just say something along the lines of 'We wanted to ask you, and there is absolutely no pressure to say yes at all - but we've chosen a first name for our Daughter, and wanted a middle name that was meaningful - and we can't think of anyone more inspiring and meaningful to us than 'NAME'...?

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AFlockOfTigers · 06/04/2023 10:48

This is something that maybe I'd rather ask over text or WhatsApp so they're not put on the spot in person. But maybe not.

Tidsleytiddy · 06/04/2023 10:46

Yes, it’s very touching

Hoistupthemainsail · 06/04/2023 10:46

I think this will be all about the messaging and how you ask so please do spend sometime thinking about that and how to make it clear that if there is any issue whatsoever then it won't be used. I'm not sure how you word that but it needs to be carefully worded and considered. It sounds like you already know that though! I think it's lovely and having lost someone close to me recently I would be touched.

Tidsleytiddy · 06/04/2023 10:43

Just see how they feel about the tribute x

Enko · 06/04/2023 10:43

As long as there is no expectation on them then I think it is a lovely idea. Personally I love mn being after people we cared about makes them really meaningful. I never got the idea of picking a 2nd that will never be used.

Original poster
H1994 · 06/04/2023 10:42

@Tidsleytiddy Thank you... exactly!

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Original poster
H1994 · 06/04/2023 10:42

@Ridingfree we are very close family friends, so I'd like to think if they thought it were 'bizarre' they would definitely say - and if they do, then good job we asked eh - we can pick another name!

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