Active discussions

Help protect children from gaming harms.

Take our survey

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

Original poster

Sentimental Middle Name - Nervous to ask family friends!

109 replies

H1994 · 06/04/2023 10:30

Hi!

I'm 35 weeks pregnant and my OH and I have chosen a first name for our daughter - neither of us have a meaningful middle name, but wanted her to have one.

Family friends of ours lost their daughter in 2021 at aged 23 - she was an absolute angel, the most beautiful, kind and strong young woman you'd ever meet and we thought who else more inspirational to name her after.

We're heading to family friends house this evening to ask if I'd be okay for their daughters name, to be our daughters middle name - but I'm nervous... I don't want to upset them or make them feel pressured - as it's absolutely fine if they're not comfortable to let us use it!

Any advice or thoughts?

Thank you!

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
Lakeyloo · 06/04/2023 11:57

H1994 · 06/04/2023 11:50

@DarlingG I'd really like to think they'd say no if they didn't want us to, I'll make it super clear and gentle so they know it's okay if it's not okay with them

@Lakeyloo Thank you... I did think a whatsapp was too distant to be honest, just felt a bit too administrative for me?

@matthancockscareer thank you.

Just to add, I lost my Dsis unexpectedly and under pretty horrible circumstances, and I know that my Mums biggest sadness (apart from losing her, obviously) is that she feels people don't want to talk about her and will forget about her 😞

ApolloandDaphne · 06/04/2023 11:57

My DD died when she was 5. A friend of mine wanted to use the same name for her DD and was a bit anxious about using it. When she spoke to me about it I was thrilled. Obviously it is a name DH and I loved and we were glad to know another child with the name. She has turned into an amazing young woman. Ask your friends. You may be surprised by how much they love the idea.

thebaneofmylifeisacat · 06/04/2023 11:56

Personally I wouldn't do this as we thought we had lost one of our dds for a while (accident abroad) snd if god forbid we had snd later one of my friends smilingly pregnant told me they wanted to honour her by using her name I think I would loose it sorry.

Really think this through op. All this 'she's an Angel in heaven!' Is cobblers to her parents they want her as a little devil here on Earth

Original poster
H1994 · 06/04/2023 11:55

@Baileybobz thank you so much... I do miss her, incredibly - wouldn't ever want to 'borrow her tragedy' or 'rub grief in their faces' as some have put... @DarlingG It does seem a bit aggressive sometimes doesn't it!

Thank you to all those who've commented and given constructive advice though x

OP posts:
Reugny · 06/04/2023 11:55

@Bunce1 I know plenty of cases like that. People forget that unless there are very good reasons family members on both sides will be looked at first. One friend politely told another friend this so it was pointless naming her.

DarlingG · 06/04/2023 11:53

@Baileybobz 100% agree, particularly the name threads on here are just plagued with so much unnecessary nastiness. I swear it must be an outlet for these people in real life. I just read them and think.. happy people aren’t nasty on the internet ☺️

Reugny · 06/04/2023 11:52

I see no problem with it.

However I'm a person who chose to name her DD after no-one in either family dead or alive who accidentally ending up calling her the same as a deceased neighbour. (The neighbour was lovely.)

Baileybobz · 06/04/2023 11:51

OP, please don’t take some of the rather mean and rude responses here to heart. You are not selfish or insulting in the slightest. Yes, they could react in a number of ways but at the heart of this is you wanting to honour a beautiful person in your life, who I’m sure you miss very much. Some people need to work on the way they come across over the internet!

Original poster
H1994 · 06/04/2023 11:50

@DarlingG I'd really like to think they'd say no if they didn't want us to, I'll make it super clear and gentle so they know it's okay if it's not okay with them

@Lakeyloo Thank you... I did think a whatsapp was too distant to be honest, just felt a bit too administrative for me?

@matthancockscareer thank you.

OP posts:
mummato1xo · 06/04/2023 11:49

God there's some judgemental people on here😅

The only person who knows these people are the OP and her family. I don't think there's any need for comments like "very selfish, dreadful thing to do."

OP, you know these people and you and your family know how they will react, like you've said you will make it clear to them they can of course say no and if they do, no big deal! I think you're being very respectful x

Inaea · 06/04/2023 11:48

I wouldn’t even ask that question. Naming your daughter, even just a middle name, after someone else’s dead child is weird and smacks of ‘borrow a tragedy’. Simply by asking the question you’ll be reminding them of their loss and putting them in an awkward position. That seems very selfish. Probably they would say yes then regret it and become awkward around you and avoid you.

If you want a meaningful middle name, choose one from your family tree - you both have plenty of ancestors of your own! If you don’t know much about them maybe take this opportunity to do some family history research?

Or, even better, pick an admirable woman from history (or current affairs) and name your child after her. Someone like Nadia Nadim, or Ada Lovelace, Empress Matilda, Barbara Bodichon, Violette Szabo, Irena Sendler…

matthancockscareer · 06/04/2023 11:45

I think it's a lovely idea, you know your friends and I'm sure that it wouldn't have even crossed your mind to use the name if you'd thought that it would upset them. Hope it goes well OP.

Lakeyloo · 06/04/2023 11:45

OP you know these people well and are obviously very close to them so probably have a vague idea of how they will react. I think it's a lovely thing to do but I certainly wouldn't drop them a text or WhatsApp to ask.
If you decide not to ask them face to face (might put them on the spot a bit ) I would hand write a note/card saying what you have said about their daughter above. Far more personal.

DarlingG · 06/04/2023 11:45

I think it hugely depends on the relationship, if you’re more like family then I’d say they’ll be happy with it. The awkward thing for me if I was in their shoes would be that I’d say yes even if I wasn’t that comfortable with it 🙈 but if they’re people who will tell you if they don’t want you to then I’m sure itl be fine

Original poster
H1994 · 06/04/2023 11:37

@TokyoSushi thank you for your thoughts, I honestly don't think it would be awkward if they said no - it's absolutely fine, we would completely understand and we are all adults, they say no? we say absolutely no worries, we entirely understand, and we're sorry if this has offended you in any way and that's that unless they need to discuss further.

OP posts:
Whatdayisitalexa · 06/04/2023 11:37

Sunset6 · 06/04/2023 11:30

In my opinion middle names are not really a big deal either way, as they are hardly ever used and normally only close family know or care what people’s middle names are. In the circumstances you describe I would think a first name might be triggering in that you’d hear the name all the time and it would remind you of the dead person. But with a middle name it’s unlikely to be a major issue either way as they will rarely hear the child called that or the name mentioned.

I agree, the other thread they were using it as first name and it was family.. completely different situation

Original poster
H1994 · 06/04/2023 11:36

@Sunset6 this is my thinking too... A first name I wouldn't and couldn't ever dream of using, that wouldn't be appropriate in my eyes.

OP posts:
Tidsleytiddy · 06/04/2023 11:32

CleaningOutMyCloset · 06/04/2023 10:56

No don't do it, there's a thread on here where an op's SIL has used her dead sisters name. Different circumstances, but it just goes to show that these things can be very emotive and I think unless you've lost someone like this, you don't know how you'll react to this type of scenario

Yes I’ve been reading that thread but it sounds like there is some unpleasant history between OP and the SIL who actually sounds a manipulative, selfish nasty piece of work whose intention was to hurt OP. The name wasn’t used as a nice tribute. It was used to stick the knife in

TokyoSushi · 06/04/2023 11:31

My initial thought with this is absolutely no, please don't do that!

If they want you to, great. But if they feel like they should say yes, but really don't want you to = super awkward. If they say no = super awkward.

Don't create this situation!

Sunset6 · 06/04/2023 11:30

In my opinion middle names are not really a big deal either way, as they are hardly ever used and normally only close family know or care what people’s middle names are. In the circumstances you describe I would think a first name might be triggering in that you’d hear the name all the time and it would remind you of the dead person. But with a middle name it’s unlikely to be a major issue either way as they will rarely hear the child called that or the name mentioned.

SoupDragon · 06/04/2023 11:30

One of my children has a middle name to honour a family friend who died in their 20s. Their mother thought it was lovely.

Original poster
H1994 · 06/04/2023 11:28

@Bunce1 thanks for your thoughts, I'll definitely be as sensitive as I can, and if they say no, then it really is absolutely okay - I would completely understand

OP posts:
Original poster
H1994 · 06/04/2023 11:27

@UpTheAnte apologies that you find it insulting, I'm hoping they don't perceive it the same way.

OP posts:
Bunce1 · 06/04/2023 11:25

I don’t like it. You’re not family and it feels intrusive. Even being the closest of friends for many years.

Friends asked very best close friends to be named guardians on a will. The askers thought it was a honour they bestowed on them. The askees were very uncomfortable and felt out in a terrible position, if they said no they rejected their children but they really didn’t want to say yes.

I think such big asks are only for family personally. Blood is thicker than water and all that.

you can ask and it sounds like you’ll be as sensitive as you can about it. But I think it will offend them.

UpTheAnte · 06/04/2023 11:19

Oh gosh, please don't ask them. This doesn't honour their daughter in any way and actually, I find it quite insulting. Don't rub their grief in their faces.