Sentimental Middle Name - Nervous to ask family friends!

I don't know why posters are being so rude

Yes it's worth flagging up that it could potentially not be welcomed by the friends (but OP is clearly already aware of that so no need to make the point so aggressively) but it could also be hugely appreciated as a lovely gesture. I don't know why people are acting like it's some bizarre suggestion, honouring loved ones by using their names for a new generation has been a "thing" for centuries!

Particularly weird are the posters saying it's fine to have a deceased family members name but this isn't OK because they are "just" friends?
Lots of people are much closer to friends than to their family, you can't be prescriptive about when things are OK and when they aren't- there's no one size fits all in human relationships.

Exactly! as someone who is experiencing fertility issues and my friends are very aware, I’d much much rather be told via message than face to face even if that person told me it was ok to “cry and be angry”.

Everything you’ve said is from your perspective (I was close friends with her etc etc) rather than the bereaved family’s one.

You did that in person too though and I know that many, many people would have preferred to have been able to process the news without doing so in front of you.

I think it's worth considering that, especially about the most emotive topic there is - the loss of a child.

No matter how kindly you say something in person, it doesn't allow the person to have a private reaction they might not be able to have in front of you.

I also wouldn’t do it. There are other ways to honour your friend.
i was considering a name for my son which was the shortened version of a relative who had died a few years earlier (think Charlie / Charles). I gently asked a few relatives and most felt uneasy about it and said it would make them feel sad when they saw my child and remind them of the loss.

Well your OP says

but I'm nervous... I don't want to upset them or make them feel pressured - as it's absolutely fine if they're not comfortable to let us use it!

Any advice or thoughts?

As you’ve posted asking, it’s a reasonable response from people to say “my thoughts/advice is not to do it”.

You don’t want to hear that though, so I hope you don’t upset your friends and damage your friendship. IF you were so confident that it wouldn’t upset/offend them, and they’d be thrilled etc, you wouldn’t have posted here.

The problem is all of your “it’s no problem” and “then that’s fine” etc etc is that its NOT “no problem, that’s fine, forget it” etc for them - it’s dredging up hurt and grief that isn’t instantly forgotten, like your not using a name is easy to move on from.

It’s potentially lovely, but potentially horrific. You have to know how the person would feel about it, so asking people on mumsnet makes no sense

I think that the way in which you've expressed your reasons for using the sam is genuinely lovely.

However, in my experience it's a really emotive topic. It seems to range from people being absolutely delighted or every angry/upset rather than anything in between.

I wouldn't do it. I just wouldn't want to risk upsetting anyone even if my intentions were the best.

Another post here to say please please don't ask them this face to face. It would be so unfair to put them on the spot. A bit like ambushing them, about the most difficult thing one can ever go through.

If you insist on asking (I personally don't think it's appropriate but I can see others disagree) then do it another way so they can digest.

When someone has fertility struggles I always think it far kinder for a loved one to tell them about a pregnancy in a (private) message so they have time for an initial reaction they might not feel able to share face to face, so there's no pressure on them to have to pretend to be ok when while they're happy for you, they're sad for them. They can digest it and then gather themselves if they need a little time before replying. I've been on both sides of that situation and think it's far kinder.

I would treat similarly carefully in this situation if you're convinced you want to ask them this.

I think it is fine. I wouldn't over-explain the middle name.
I'd wait until asked and say, we're calling her Isla, and we'd like to use Diana [substitute with the actual name] as a middle name.

If you must ask this (and I agree with others that it's a bad idea) please don't put them on the spot by asking face to face. You could really upset them.

Have you not got a beloved granny whose name you could use as a middle name instead? Rather than someone who has no connection to your daughter at all.

it would be the same if she were alive

I think if her parents know that (and your DD herself knows it in due course) then probably everyone will be ok with it.

Thinking about why it makes me uncomfortable, I think it is because if the deceased were still alive, you would not be calling your daughter after her. You have literally gone in search if a "meaningful" name and, having been unable to find anything suitable in your own families, this recent tragic (and therefore meaningful) death seems suitable.

If you genuinely would have named your daughter after the same girl if she were still alive obviously ignore this and use the name! But if it is basically because she is dead, then I wouldn't do it.

You seem determined to go ahead despite the risk they Could be very upset indeed. Very wrong IMHO. I don't know why you have even bothered asking. You have brushed aside anyone saying its a bad idea.,

Why are you asking if you only want people to agree and you're dismissive of people who think it's a bad idea?

I would not do it and I feel the connection is a bit tenuous for it to be comfortable.

@H1994 I think this is a beautiful way to honour your friends daughter and if it was me I would be honoured x ignore the haters

Just don't. I think it would be a big mistake. It could cause a great deal of upset. It isn't worth the risk.

I think it's a lovely idea to honour her in this way as a close family friend - I wouldn't ask in person - I think I would write down mine and my DH thoughts/request with the bits on here that if they don't like this idea/would be too painful then you absolutely would not use it (better wording require than j have used) and I would perhaps hand them the letter as you leave with something for them to read when you are not there - that way they can truly decide how they feel without you being in front of them