Sentimental Middle Name - Nervous to ask family friends!

I agree about not doing it face to face. It’s not something they’ll expect and so in the moment might say yes but then regret it later. It’s best if they have time to think and make clear they can say no as you wouldn’t want to do it if they didn’t think it was a good idea.

@Whatdayisitalexa , I think how the daughter died could be a factor, as could the popularity of the name. A middle name of Emily or Chloe, wouldn't be too strongly associated, but something more unusual would.

Just so everyone knows, I spoke to OP and her friends were absolutely thrilled that they'd asked to use their daughters name for the middle name! ☺️

The OP is considering using it as a MIDDLE name, it's hardly ever going to so spoken, or written even. I don't understand the fuss. Obviously as they are close friends they may well be aware, but only if they are told. Asking first would be polite obviously but why they would be traumatized is beyond me

You’ve actually reminded me that early on in my current pregnancy (we’re expecting another baby after 7 years of trying) I considered using my son’s first name as a middle name for this baby boy, but later felt I was “attaching” the memory of one son to another. I can’t say exactly why I changed my mind but I wonder if it could’ve been a lot for this little one to carry. So we’re using another family name.

As someone who has gone through fertility struggles and lost a child, I don’t think I’d know where to look or what to say if I was to be told about a pregnancy or asked about using my son’s name face to face. I once distanced myself from someone because it was too painful to see their living child with his name. A constant reminder of what I no longer had. Since you’re not going to be swayed (huge risk IMO but I also think it depends on your relationship and the dynamic…too nuanced to say “don’t do it!”) I’d maybe text or write a card. Be interested to know how it goes OP!

Thank you, @monsteramunch. ♥️

@Scirocco

I'm so very sorry you're going through the loss of a child, the idea of the pain is unimaginable

If you were my friend and said this to me, @H1994 , I would be devastated and I don't think the friendship would survive it.

When my SIL had a baby recently, my only thought about names was "please don't use DC1's name". My DC1 died about the same time ago as your friend's DD. It's too soon, too painful.

Every time they see your child, with their daughter's name, it's going to hurt them, probably more than they'll ever be able to let you see. Don't do it.

I had a very close friend who died aged 21. My daughter has my friend's name as her middle name. I really don't understand some of the reactions on here. A bit bizarre to be honest!

As I said the op isn't being nasty!!

"Usually you use family/friend names of older people who are dying in the 'proper' course of time. Not a young girl who had her life cut short and whose name should be still hers to live."

I agree with this. Her name belongs to her. Don't take it from her parents.

@thebaneofmylifeisacat no, the OP isn't being nasty. Other posters are 🤣

I may have missed nasty comments? I don't think the op is being nasty but I do think potentially this could very much hurt her friend and I think from her comments the op has made up her mind to do this snd isn't asking for opinions just validation for her decision.

I hope she makes the choice that she deep down thinks her friend will be ok with and not persuade herself that it will be so.

Usually you use family/friend names of older people who are dying in the 'proper' course of time. Not a young girl who had her life cut short snd whose name should be still hers to live.

But that's only my opinion snd the op asked for opinions.

I think it's all dependent on your relationship and their personalities, some people would love the idea and some would hate it. You know them better than anyone on this site. Personally I think it's a lovely idea and you're coming from a kind place however they may not feel that way. Definitely let them think about it and have a few back up middle names to share with them so they don't feel under pressure to agree. Please let us know how it goes 😊

@thebaneofmylifeisacat

You clearly haven't read the thread

"Awful. You’re using their grief and their daughters name, because you WANT a “meaningful” name for your baby.

Selfish, weird, hurtful. I think that would probably be it for me, friendship wise. I’d be shocked, cry after you left, and distance myself from you."

Calling someone selfish and weird isn't classed as nasty, no? That comment was totally uncalled for 😅

@H1994

I think this is a beautiful idea, I disagree with people saying it should be family only, I'm closer to some of my friends than some of my family. It's a wonderful tribute and your being very respectful to ask. Please let us know the outcome.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and good luck with the conversation tonight

I don't see any arguments or nasty comments all I see is honest feedback.

It's not a 'do you like this dress!' Topic is it??

It's a very serious potentially devastating one. The death of a child is the ultimate pain.

It's perfectly fine for posters (some of who have experience of this to say tred carefully or just don't go there to the op.

Yep!

@mewkins so true and 80% of those people are on Mumsnet 😂

Some people can start an argument in an empty room.

I think it depends a lot on each person. If it was my daughter who'd passed and someone wanted to give her name as middle to their child, I would find this comforting. To me it'd mean that despite dying so young, she impacted people so powerfully that she still has an effect years later. I'd feel like part of her remained in the influence she had over family and friends.

But other people might find it a painful reminder of their loss, which is why you should ask and respect their wishes.

I don't think it's weird at all.

I really wouldn't. Far too soon, and impossible for them to say no.

It's not rude to disagree now is it?

I think you have decided to do this anyway and just want validation.