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Baby names

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Original poster

Should baby have two middle names ‘just to be fair’ to MIL?

136 replies

Merryclaire · 06/09/2022 15:07

Our precious little girl arrived this week and while we have pretty much decided the first name (which we both seem to be equally happy with), we are disagreeing a bit on the middle name.

For a while now I’ve wanted it to be my mother’s middle name as it’s been passed down through a few generations and is a nice name too. I’ve mentioned this a number of times during pregnancy and he never said anything about not being happy.

However, DH suddenly now feels that if we’re honouring my mum we should also honour his mum by having her middle name as well.

Neither mums have ever been honoured for any other grandchildren and this could well be the last grandchild for both of them.

However, I feel like MIL’s name isn’t as nice and I don’t see that we should add it ‘just to be fair’ when there is a tradition in the maternal line of my family that is meaningful to me. Being a girl I think honouring the maternal line is more appropriate. And I think just adding both makes it less special for my mum.

Baby already has a 3-syllable first name and a double barrelled surname - so to me, 2 middle names feels excessive.

Should I fight for just my mum’s middle name or am I being precious and should I just add his mum’s to avoid conflict? Even though she’ll have a very long name!

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FourChimneys · 07/09/2022 08:58

In your situation I'd use both to keep everyone happy. Nobody cares about middle names anyway. I removed mine by deed poll in my 20s as I didn't like it and your DD may want to do the same if she finds it cumbersome.

Cognacsoft · 07/09/2022 08:56

OP don't use a name you don't want.

My dd has recently had a baby and the middle name is after her fil.
It goes well with the first name.
Dh and I are not at all bothered that his name is not included and in fact I would go so far as to say my dh's name isn't one I would give to a dc.

Your mil most probably won't mind and your dh is overthinking the non issue.

mondaytosunday · 07/09/2022 08:55

I have two middle names (as do my kids). I only generally use my first middle name, and my signature includes it as the initial.
My daughter has my mums name as her first middle name and my husband's grandmother (who was no longer alive) as second middle name. My son has both his grandads' names as his middle name (my dad's first). Interestingly his email uses his second middle name.
So really it's all a nice idea but I'm not sure how much the grandparents involved really cared to be honest, and how your daughter uses it is up to her.

CatSpeakForDummies · 07/09/2022 08:53

I'd just use the one and not announce to MIL that it has anything to do with your family, it's not like she'll know you mum's middle name. If it does come up, just say it's a family name from your side, no need for the details.

I'm pretty sure that 3 out of 4 grandparents would not remember my DCs middle names (they are 8 and 11). You are unlikely to get a lot of questions from MIL, especially if it's a nice name.

EdgeOfACoin · 07/09/2022 08:49

PerfectPictureFrame · 07/09/2022 08:44

I would add it. In years to come when neither minis around, it'll be a nice way for your DD to carry both of their legacies. I'm quite sentimental about names!

The way I look at it, the DD already bears the surname from both sides of the family. She already has the legacies.

This is about a family tradition in the maternal line that the OP would like to continue, without burdening her DD with an excessive number of names that don't flow particularly well together.

SoupDragon · 07/09/2022 08:47

Is this traditional family name your name too?

PerfectPictureFrame · 07/09/2022 08:44

I would add it. In years to come when neither minis around, it'll be a nice way for your DD to carry both of their legacies. I'm quite sentimental about names!

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/09/2022 08:42

EnjoyingTheSilence · Today 08:39
Your Dh is being a dick. Use the middle name you want and tell him to grow the fuck up“

it’s his child too.

EdgeOfACoin · 07/09/2022 08:40

Posted too soon.

This is about a family tradition, not about honouring one mother above another. Surely a reasonable MIL would understand that and not be upset/hurt/disappointed/embarrassed (??? Really?) that the baby wasn't given her middle name?

I am normally quite sensitive to these sorts of issues but even I wouldn't have a problem with this if I were the MIL. Maybe mention to her that this name is a family tradition in the maternal line in your family and see whether her reaction is more "oh that's nice, you should use it" rather than "how could you honour her and not ME?"

If it's the latter reaction, then perhaps reconsider.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 07/09/2022 08:39

Your Dh is being a dick. Use the middle name you want and tell him to grow the fuck up.

EdgeOfACoin · 07/09/2022 08:34

Has anyone even checked with the MIL if she would be unhappy about it?

As OP has explained several times, this is about

Calphurnia88 · 07/09/2022 08:00

It’s not just my mum’s middle name, it’s a legacy name on my maternal line. If it were about honouring my mum I’d use her first name, not middle name, but it’s a several generation family name that has meaning to me.

I think a lot of people are missing this point and responding as though you're using your mum's first name as a middle name.

Calphurnia88 · 07/09/2022 07:46

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Apollonia1 · 06/09/2022 23:58

I also agree with previous posters' comments.
Will your MIL even know the middle name is your mum's middle name?

MrsSkylerWhite · 06/09/2022 23:58

Agree with your husband, have both.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/09/2022 23:58

A double-barrelled surname is burden enough. Don't give the poor kid two middle names.

Apollonia1 · 06/09/2022 23:57

Do you plan to have more kids?
Could you suggest that if you have another daughter, she's gets a middle name from his side of the family?

OverTheHillAndDownTotherSide · 06/09/2022 23:55

rollerblind · 06/09/2022 21:33

The fact that you wouldn't drop your maiden name says it all. You can't have two middle names with a double barrelled surname so I'd ditch them both; not fair on his mum, I agree with your DH.

Another WTF?! “Wouldn’t drop”? Why should she (or any other woman) drop her name?!

WhenPushComesToShove · 06/09/2022 23:17

When DS was born we had agreed on a first name and a second name which happened to be the name of my late father. In his excitement, my DH when registering our DS's name, impulsively added his favourite late Grandpa's name (without consulting me) which was horrible and really old fashioned. Most old names have come back into fashion but not this one. When my DS was older and getting a passport, he asked to officially drop his third name which has now been done. Don't be coerced

Original poster
Merryclaire · 06/09/2022 22:38

Having read the comments I completely disagree with suggestions it’s not fair or even ‘cruel’ to not use MIL’s name. And the poster who criticised me for not just traditionally taking my husband’s last name can jog right on!

Why do I need to honour everyone in my child’s name? None of our siblings honoured both sides in all their DCs’ middle names.

It’s not just my mum’s middle name, it’s a legacy name on my maternal line. If it were about honouring my mum I’d use her first name, not middle name, but it’s a several generation family name that has meaning to me.

DH only wants his mum’s middle name in there now so as not to offend her, and as a response to me wanting mine - it’s not a ’family’ name and he wouldn’t care if I said no middle name at all. So I don’t think that’s a good enough reason to saddle LO with 5 names that don’t sound good together.

The fact that MIL wasn’t honoured in the names of her other 5 DGC doesn’t mean I should therefore have to.

DH also loves baby’s first name, which is his first choice, so it’s not like he has had to compromise on that front.

So I’ve decided it’s all or nothing - I’d rather not have either middle name than use 5 names.

OP posts:
WillowintheUK · 06/09/2022 22:37

Ship · 06/09/2022 21:24

Everyone keeps going on about being fair but be fair to the baby not the grandparent! 2 middle names and a double barrel is a lot of names

And then if she gets married she goes triple barrelled!

As others have said, if you’re only having one child, give her both names or neither, and choose something different.

ZenNudist · 06/09/2022 22:33

I think find a different middle name if you can't agree. Or both names to be fair. I don't think you get a stronger claim than his family.

In my family there have been lots of instances of babies being given the middle name of a dead grandparent but adding the other grandparents name to be fair. It doesn't matter that the other grandparent is still alive, its not fair to exclude them.

JasmineIndigo · 06/09/2022 22:28

If you are using your family's name mostly to carry on the tradition and it's not a name you would have picked otherwise then I think you should agree to your husband's choice of name too.

Topseyt123 · 06/09/2022 22:24

I'd just go with no middle name. Sounds much simpler to me.

WillPowerLite · 06/09/2022 22:22

I think posters are missing the point that the OP does not want to include both names. She knows she can, she just does not want to.

I'm with you, OP. Baby gets your mother's middle name to carry on the tradition. I always think you carried that baby for 9 months and gave birth, and that gives you a little extra credit come time to hand out names.

Dh is trying not to upset his mother. He should realise that he is upsetting you. Tell him.