Should baby have two middle names ‘just to be fair’ to MIL?

This is your child’s name not a recognition opportunity for mums.

Choose the best middle name for her - not on the grounds of fairness between families.

DH didn’t have to compromise on first name so he should relax about middle name.

I also think as you carried her and birthed her, and are currently her whole world, you should get slightly more say over her name. However you don’t get to use that card for long so if it means that much to you, insist on the name you want.

My granddaughter has two middle names, mine and the other granny's, and I couldn't give a toss. I just feel honoured that one of them is mine! I could understand maybe feeling a tiny bit peeved if it was only the other granny honoured thus, but I wouldn't have let anyone, especially her parents know that!
When it came to choosing my middle name, many decades ago, my parents were lucky in that numerous relatives on both sides had the same name, and my brother even married someone who had the same middle name!

Use your mums middle name and don't mention the meaning?

@HewasH20 My full name doesn't fit on the passport form, I have to write it outside of the little boxes. It always appears in full on my actual passport though.

*So it’s not your mums first name.

and I assume it’s your middle name too? if so, I wouldn’t even be considering the fact it’s your mums middle name. It’s yours? Take the parents out of the equation, it’s not about them.

However if it’s not in your name, then it’s not really carrying a tradition.*

Absolutely this. If it's not your middle name don't have either. If it is your middle name then you're naming your dd after you. No need to mention grandparents.

And to be fair, if it's not your middle name it's not a family tradition as it misses you out? Do you have any sisters with that middle name? Surely if you do it's for them to carry on the tradition?

Your partner is going to have to get over this "fairness" thing or it's going to cause issues.
It starts with a middle name disagreement and next it will be you see your mum more then you see mine.
You have to do what's best for you. You are never going to please everyone.
In this case there is a clear family history. I personally would stick with that.
We did the exact same thing with my son, used a family name for his middle name.

Two middle name? Puh!

"When two football mad parents had to decide what to call their newborn son, they couldn't decide which one of their side's players to name him after.

So instead Burnley supporters Amanda and Stephen Preston registered him after the entire first team.
^^
Jensen Jay Alexander Bikey Carlisle Duff Elliot Fox Iwelumo Marney Mears Paterson Thompson Wallace Preston was taken to his first game after just eight days."

Why shouldn't OP keep her surname? 🤔

So you didn’t want to take his name through marriage making the name long already, it’s unfair that just your family name gets used when you already decided to keep your surname when you got married.

I wouldn’t put two middle names.

dd has my mums middle name as her middle name.

we both chose the first names and we all have dh’s surname as our family name. My argument was that I went through the 9months of pregnancy then labour so I get to choose the middle name, dh agreed so dd has my mums name.

dh did question why I wouldn’t put his mums name in and I said it was old fashioned and I had been lumbered with a horrid middle name and I wasn’t doing that to my child.

I don't think your desire to give your child a family name trumps his, just because of your family tradition.

I think add it. My DDs' middle names are family names and they love hearing the story behind them. I think telling her that she's Jane Kate Sarah Smith-Jones because Sarah and Smith come from one side, and Kate and Jones come from the other, and she has two sides of her family that love her very much, is a lovely story to grow up hearing.

Ultimately, it will make your MIL very happy (DD2 has MIL's name as a middle name and she was touched), your DH won't feel awkward and day to day it will make exactly zero difference.

No need to add her name.

Is it your middle name too?

Read the OP again. It is the OP's husband who is the one doing the bulldozing here, not her MIL. In fact, nowhere does she suggest that her MIL has been involved at all.

The husband is apparently trying to be fair to his mother, which is bollocks anyway. Who is to say that MIL would even notice the middle names if it wasn't directly pointed to her.

Use a new middle name.

So it’s not your mums first name.

and I assume it’s your middle name too? if so, I wouldn’t even be considering the fact it’s your mums middle name. It’s yours? Take the parents out of the equation, it’s not about them.

However if it’s not in your name, then it’s not really carrying a tradition.

The MIL isn't trying to bulldoze in on anything- she probably isn't aware of the situation at all. It is OP's husband who want to include the MIL's middle name.

I can see why he would want her name to be included. Has he seen the family naming tradition and has also thought that would be something nice to do as well? At the same time I also see how annoying it would be if the name didn't flow when included the extra middle name, would be a very long name as well. I'd want to try and pick the name that I thought the DD would be happiest with in the future too.

I'd lean towards the name not being included for that reason tbh- shoehorning it in seems silly when it will make the name less nice.

He has baby’s first choice - I’d suggest revisiting that to your first choice and the two middle names and see which option he prefers.

it sounds a bit... patriarchal.

well, apart from the fact that it is her MILs name rather than her FILs.

So...OP shouldn't pass on her surname to her DD. In other words, she has no right for her name to be 'honoured' by her own daughter.

But her husband's mother on the other hand has every right to have her name honoured. OP cannot use a name from the maternal line without using a name from the paternal line, otherwise it's unfair.

Is that right?

If so, it sounds a bit... patriarchal.

Your mum's MN has been passed down generations, so this is an established tradition and you like the name anyway. Your MIL is just trying to bulldoze in. This is why I hate honouring with names. Use the name you like and to blazes with being "fair".

If you have a good relationship speak to your MIL and say you want to continue your family tradition with baby of the same middle name all the women in your family are given.

see what she says.

I’d give my DD the middle name of my choice specifically as it means so much to you and your H is apathetic unless you give your child your middle name. That just seems petty to me.

Both or neither and you don't have priority decision making either.

Normally I would say use both, but I don't see your DH's point on this occasion because it isn't just your mother's name. Crucially, it is YOUR name. So I would just say you named her after yourself in the unlikely event your mil ever asks why she has that name!