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Original poster

Should baby have two middle names ‘just to be fair’ to MIL?

136 replies

Merryclaire · 06/09/2022 15:07

Our precious little girl arrived this week and while we have pretty much decided the first name (which we both seem to be equally happy with), we are disagreeing a bit on the middle name.

For a while now I’ve wanted it to be my mother’s middle name as it’s been passed down through a few generations and is a nice name too. I’ve mentioned this a number of times during pregnancy and he never said anything about not being happy.

However, DH suddenly now feels that if we’re honouring my mum we should also honour his mum by having her middle name as well.

Neither mums have ever been honoured for any other grandchildren and this could well be the last grandchild for both of them.

However, I feel like MIL’s name isn’t as nice and I don’t see that we should add it ‘just to be fair’ when there is a tradition in the maternal line of my family that is meaningful to me. Being a girl I think honouring the maternal line is more appropriate. And I think just adding both makes it less special for my mum.

Baby already has a 3-syllable first name and a double barrelled surname - so to me, 2 middle names feels excessive.

Should I fight for just my mum’s middle name or am I being precious and should I just add his mum’s to avoid conflict? Even though she’ll have a very long name!

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ZandathePanda · 16/11/2022 22:48

Good update OP

Original poster
Merryclaire · 16/11/2022 04:55

Update: In the end DH said I could just have my choice as it meant more to me, but we ended up not giving her any middle name at all.

A couple of reasons:

Even though DH said I could have what I wanted, I decided not to push my own wishes on him. I always knew deep down he would let me have my way if I insisted, as ultimately he wants me to be happy, and I felt a little uncomfortable with the thought I had ‘won’.

However I did have a wobble afterwards and I did feel a bit upset DH couldn’t have come to the conclusion earlier on so it would have been part of the original name announcement, or at least followed it up more closely (by this point he didn’t seem bothered about it).

It felt a bit anticlimactic to add it in after we’d already made the name announcement a few weeks before. It also seemed a bit of an afterthought to my mum to add it in after we’d told her ‘no middle name yet as we can’t decide,’ when I had wanted it to be more special by being the same time as the first name. By that point no one else in the family had seemed to give it much thought and certainly didn’t comment or question it.

Her name is already long and strong without it (even the registrar commented it’s a long name with the double barrelling), and I considered what value it really added. Yes, I had wanted to honour a family name, but why? The name stemmed from an ancestor I never met, and my mum never even liked it that much.

DH has said a few times we could go back and pay to amend birth certificate if I really wanted. So the option is there if I decide it’s really important to me after all, but I don’t think I will.

When I tried to remember my nieces and nephews’ middle names, I realised I couldn’t confidently recall any of them (we have 10!). That put it into perspective.

OP posts:
Mistlefrog · 16/11/2022 00:08

It’s not ‘fair’ though
DMs middle name is a tradition that means a lot to her and you and your family, from several generations.
MILs name doesn’t mean much to anyone except her and it’s being included only as a box ticking exercise
including both isn’t equal.

and surely using it is less fair to DD who has a less nice name then

Comtesse · 15/11/2022 16:47

more than one middle name is no big deal - I and DC have 2, DH has 3 and MIL has 4!

Sproglette · 07/09/2022 21:55

@Merryclaire sorry if this has already been answered but does mil even know what your dm's middle name is? If she doesn't would she not just think oh that is a nice name?

I think it is a really lovely tradition and if dh had his first choice for first name it would be nice for you to get first choice of the (only) middle name

alotoftutus · 07/09/2022 21:43

If he had pick of the first then I would say you definitely get to choose the middle. DH needs to worry more about upsetting his wife than his mother. He has no real reason to want his mothers middle name, he probably wouldn't have ever even suggested it. I would put my foot down. 5 names is a lot. I'm sure his mum won't even care or realise what your mums and your middle name even is. You are not honouring your mum you are continuing a family tradition that happens to include your mum. That's not the same thing.

I'm with you on this x

BloodAndFire · 07/09/2022 21:18

If the baby was getting his surname, I would agree with you.

But as the baby is getting both of your surnames (which I think is the best option, and is what we did for our children) I don't see why you should name the baby after your mum but not his.

Equality runs both ways.

frazzledasarock · 07/09/2022 21:13

I can’t imagine my husband being hell bent on something that meant very little to him to appease someone (who probably wouldn’t even be bothered), in response to something that meant a great deal to me.

the man has his first choice of first name for the baby.

frazzledasarock · 07/09/2022 21:11

the name is not important to him.

it’s important to him to appear fair to his mother.

However we have no idea whether MIL would even be bothered by it. She might hate her middle name for all we know.

I’d mention it to MIL, I want to give my daughter my family middle name. And see what she says. It’s to honour your grandmother so mothers don’t really come into it.

Holly60 · 07/09/2022 21:09

Basically what I'm trying to say is that this issue isn't really about offending/ not offending MIL, it's about whether your DH gets an equal say in the name of his child.

Whatever reason he has for wanting a name, he wants it.

If you get to unilaterally add a name that's important to you but has no meaning to him, then he should get the same.

Holly60 · 07/09/2022 21:07

I don't really understand why you are so dismissive of your DH's wishes. You keep saying he is suggesting two middle names so as not to upset his mum - this reason is no less valid than your 'legacy name' reason. Both reasons are important to you respectively. If it wasn't important to him, he wouldn't be pushing for it. He sounds like a thoughtful person and I feel a bit sad for him, to be honest.

He is equally the child's father - surely he gets as much say in her name as you do?

Samzzz · 07/09/2022 20:07

I would add it. I'm using both great grandmother's as middles for my December baby. If its important to your DH then I think it's only fair.

Calphurnia88 · 07/09/2022 14:37

This is your child’s name not a recognition opportunity for mums.

This. Plus it's not even DM's first name, it's her middle name, and a name that has been used for female family members throughout generations. Everyone saying 'you should use both names' and talking about 'honouring both grandparents' seems to be missing this entirely.

If there was a similar tradition within DH's female family members then fair enough, but if the only reason to use MIL's middle name (not even first name!) is so MIL is treated equally then it does seem a bit petty. Especially when it means your child will have 5 names, 2 of which she will probably never use so it's pointless anyway.

Crunchymum · 07/09/2022 12:53

Was this middle name passed to you? So you have it as well?

SoupDragon · 07/09/2022 12:48

When you carry the baby, birth the baby, and give up your body etc etc and all the permanent things that happen to you during pregnancy, and after birth etc you get more of a say in this.

what a load of sexist nonsense.

startfresh · 07/09/2022 12:46

Does his mum even know your mum's middle name? If I called a daughter by my mum's middle name, my MIL would have no idea (not sure my DH would know, either) just don't tell her.

startfresh · 07/09/2022 12:42

Never would I add a name I'm not fond of, or any name, just to make it "fair" I would be standing strong on this.

But then my relationship with my MIL isn't the best so maybe that clouds it.

jrt2022 · 07/09/2022 12:34

I'm not entirely sure why you asked for opinions then so angrily disagreed with everyone who almost unanimously said it's unfair to just use YOUR mother's name as a middle?

However, I think your decision to use both or neither is wise. It's only fair, and as much as you disagree, I think it WOULD be cruel to just use one.

Derbee · 07/09/2022 12:19

I’d explain to your DH that he chose the first name. You’re choosing the middle name.

When you carry the baby, birth the baby, and give up your body etc etc and all the permanent things that happen to you during pregnancy, and after birth etc you get more of a say in this. Tough for him, but you’ve earnt more of a say. Especially when it’s only a bloody middle name. Tell him to get over it

OverTheHillAndDownTotherSide · 07/09/2022 11:55

There’s a boy’s name in DH‘s family that has vern
passed down for generations.

DH is one of 4 boys. Not one bears this name as a forename, middle name or anything else. When the 4 brothers started having children there was some bizarre race to have a boy in order to pass the name on, despite the tradition already having been broken. 🤷🏻‍♀️

OverTheHillAndDownTotherSide · 07/09/2022 11:50

BeeDavis · 07/09/2022 10:07

So you didn’t want to take his name through marriage making the name long already, it’s unfair that just your family name gets used when you already decided to keep your surname when you got married.

Her husband kept his name after marriage too.

SoupDragon · 07/09/2022 11:47

@Merryclaire Is it your middle name?

averythinline · 07/09/2022 11:33

I would do it....my dh uncle died when i was pregnant so we added his name as another middle name...even though its awful ...dc like having a connection...and have many syllables!

Its rarely used in RL...

Original poster
Merryclaire · 07/09/2022 11:26

OctopusBreath · 07/09/2022 09:57

I don't think your desire to give your child a family name trumps his, just because of your family tradition.

Actually I do think my longstanding desire to continue a maternal family legacy trumps his last-minute ‘best not offend my mum’ suggestion. Especially as this is largely about keeping a connection to my GM who I was very close to.

He does appreciate this but is a people pleaser and is worried about offending his mum.

Opinion is clearly divided on this thread but I really don’t want to lumber our daughter with an over-long, poorly flowing name.

The way I see it, it’s really just a little buzz for MIL for a day but will be a clunky name DD has to live with for the rest of her life.

So I’ll try again to get DH to see it from my POV.

If we just can’t compromise then I’d rather no middle names at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Merryclaire · 07/09/2022 11:15

BeeDavis · 07/09/2022 10:07

So you didn’t want to take his name through marriage making the name long already, it’s unfair that just your family name gets used when you already decided to keep your surname when you got married.

Are you serious?! What century were you born in?

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