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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

Original poster

Am I right to be upset with my sister in law?

93 replies

sm8724 · 14/08/2022 00:42

Am I right to be upset with my sister in law? My partner and I are expecting our first baby together after 3 years of trying and 5 miscarriages (it’s finally happening I can’t believe it still) I am very nervous about every aspect of this pregnancy due to illness and previous loss meaning I am perhaps a little more guarded around talking about it as I’m so scared it still might not work out. We have 3 names short listed and have since we started trying 3 years ago. Several weeks ago SIL announced she’s was pregnant at which time my partner told her our shortlist of names, today she’s found out the gender of hers and announce the name. It happens to be my favourite that I’ve had picked out since my daughter was born 12 years ago. I am devastated and furious that all she said was “sorry I’m having it” to my partner. Our baby is due several months earlier than hers and I feel if I want to I should still be able to use the name, regardless the relationship is ruined with SIL (we’re not overly close) but it will cause friction for my partner with parents and other siblings. I feel as we hadn’t publicly announced our name choice we will be deemed in the wrong, but for me I wanted to wait until our babies birth. Am I wrong?

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autienotnaughty · 14/08/2022 07:06

@sm8724 , that's a great solution. It's really hard to choose a name officially before baby is born as sometimes the name you think u like may not fit. If asked I'd keep it in the mix and them at the time choose the right name for your child. Point out sil may change her mind when babies here (who announces the name in advance??)

Original poster
sm8724 · 14/08/2022 06:58

Having slept on it I've come to the decision that as a person has suggested on this thread I will be calm and assertive in that we might use that name too and it's not a big deal, these are people we hardly see, our child will come across many others with the same name it's not overly rare and we have a nickname picked out too. Thanks again all it is sometimes nice to just have that back up isn't it! X

OP posts:
Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 14/08/2022 06:58

Agree just use the name, if you want to you could be relentlessly positive with her about how cute it will be that they have the same name so it is clear it doesn't bother you. How much do your lives overlap anyway? I guess it might seem more wierd if you have a similar friendship group and they might go to the same school.

MeenzAmRhoi · 14/08/2022 06:58

Apologies @sm8724 I mixed it up! I will report my own post.

DaisyJoy1 · 14/08/2022 06:57

Honestly if you don't use the name you'll feel upset and resentful literally forever, it's not something that you can just forget because you'll presumably be having to use the name to speak with the child? So even if you don't use the name, it will negatively affect your relationship with SIL. So just use it.

custardbear · 14/08/2022 06:57

Just use it, she'll probably chose something different anyway and if not who cares - you chose it first

Whippetquick · 14/08/2022 06:56

She sounds nasty

Original poster
sm8724 · 14/08/2022 06:55

Thanks everyone, I'm happy for them to have the same name I'm just upset for my partner as he's already had other members of his family say can't you use a different name. I believe he told my SIL out of excitement not to say they are ours he's oblivious that sort of thing, it's from them the "well I'm having the name" started.

OP posts:
DaisyJoy1 · 14/08/2022 06:55

Use the name! You're giving birth first so SHE will be copying YOU. You both like the name while pregnant, she can't claim it now, but you will have the baby first. You should definitely make it very clear that you are using the name anyway, though. So it doesn't come as a big surprise to anyone.

Original poster
sm8724 · 14/08/2022 06:51

I haven't stolen this post, I mistakenly posted it as a reply. Why would I do that?

OP posts:
Hidingawaytoday · 14/08/2022 06:51

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

No it hasn't, if you look properly you'll see the OP posted on that thread by mistake this morning then must have realised and stated her own.

Honestly, why don't people look properly before accusing the OP.

Footle · 14/08/2022 06:50

@MeenzAmRhoi , you're mistaken. The OP posted on that zombie thread before starting her own.

hairymclaryforever · 14/08/2022 06:42

F

MeenzAmRhoi · 14/08/2022 06:42

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

MeenzAmRhoi · 14/08/2022 06:39

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Cadot · 14/08/2022 05:33

Even if they share a surname, they're going to have a different date of birth and address, so I don't know how there could possibly be any problem at a doctors unless they are totally incompetent. My DH has one of the most common first and surname combos ever. In any database there are several with his exact name. DOB distinguishes them with zero problem.

3luckystars · 14/08/2022 05:29

Use it. You chose if first, she doesn’t get to bully you because she has a bigger mouth?

if you like it then pick it and don’t even think about her. She could100% change her mind when her baby comes and pick something else. She won’t care less.

Pick the name you want, end of story.

Cadot · 14/08/2022 05:26

Just use the name you want to use. She can also use it. Honestly, why does it matter? My family has a number of people with the same name in it. I've met many people in my life with my name and it's never caused me any kind of problem. I never really understand why people get upset about this kind of thing.

Sparklfairy · 14/08/2022 05:25

Youre the one who's going to give birth first so I don't know why you're worried. No one can call dibs on a name, just use it and don't stress. You don't need to explain yourself if she kicks off, I wouldn't be surprised if she's just said that in some weird manipulation to get you not to use the name, and when the time comes she wont either! Then how will you feel?

Ponderingwindow · 14/08/2022 05:23

No one gets to reserve a name. If your baby is born first, you get to pick first.

If I could speak to your family member, I would advise her to pick a new name if you do use this particular name. It’s really annoying when relatives share names and you have to specify who you are speaking about. Relatives of similar age having the same name can cause bureaucracy problems. It led to some snafus at the doctor on more than on occasion for my mom and her SIL. thankfully It only really caused harm once in an emergency.

Honeysuckle9 · 14/08/2022 05:22

Use it if you want to but don’t make a thing out of it . Names aren’t individual, even in families

GettinPiggyWithIt · 14/08/2022 05:17

If you don’t use it now - she will anyway and it will always annoy you!

So absolutely use it now!

Hidingawaytoday · 14/08/2022 05:12

Why did your DH give her the list in the first place? Was he trying to 'claim' the name for your baby? You can't argue she's claimed a name when you tried to do it first. Maybe she liked the name before he told her but wasn't going round telling everyone. We had names picked out early but didn't tell anyone until DD was born.

No one 'owns' a name, not your SIL and not you. Just use it.

I'm sorry for your losses.

Longdistance · 14/08/2022 05:07

Use it. Just say to her sorry, not sorry!’ Tough shit.

stuntbubbles · 14/08/2022 05:00

She can’t say “I’m having it” and suddenly it becomes hers. It’s not like grabbing the last of the loo roll from the shop. If anything, since your baby is due first, you’ll be having it. She’ll just look the oddball if she uses it too.