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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

Original poster

Am I right to be upset with my sister in law?

93 replies

sm8724 · 14/08/2022 00:42

Am I right to be upset with my sister in law? My partner and I are expecting our first baby together after 3 years of trying and 5 miscarriages (it’s finally happening I can’t believe it still) I am very nervous about every aspect of this pregnancy due to illness and previous loss meaning I am perhaps a little more guarded around talking about it as I’m so scared it still might not work out. We have 3 names short listed and have since we started trying 3 years ago. Several weeks ago SIL announced she’s was pregnant at which time my partner told her our shortlist of names, today she’s found out the gender of hers and announce the name. It happens to be my favourite that I’ve had picked out since my daughter was born 12 years ago. I am devastated and furious that all she said was “sorry I’m having it” to my partner. Our baby is due several months earlier than hers and I feel if I want to I should still be able to use the name, regardless the relationship is ruined with SIL (we’re not overly close) but it will cause friction for my partner with parents and other siblings. I feel as we hadn’t publicly announced our name choice we will be deemed in the wrong, but for me I wanted to wait until our babies birth. Am I wrong?

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DisforDarkChocolate · 14/08/2022 09:00

Use the name if you want to.

It sounds like you have a family who pander to one person, unless you want this to continue its time to say no.

Runningslow · 14/08/2022 09:00

If you gave her a list of names, rather than just one definite name, then I don’t really think she’s done anything wrong, as she knows you have two others that you like.

mrsbitaly · 14/08/2022 09:00

Did you verbally tell her your choices or were they given in a text? Do you have evidence of her saying sorry I'm using it?

Either way it's a name you've wanted for a long time. Yes it may ruffle feathers but it's your child and I'm sure they will get over it

ClocksGoingBackwards · 14/08/2022 08:59

Use the name.

When people make comments say that it’s fine, you know that SIL is happy for the cousins to have the same name because she only chose it after you’d said you were using it. And if she doesn’t mind and you don’t mind, then why should anyone else?

I do feel sorry for the grandparents though, it’s a shame for them to have two grandchildren with the same name.

Holly60 · 14/08/2022 08:58

sm8724 · 14/08/2022 07:33

@Thefruitbatdancer I think she's genuinely wants the name and hasn't just taken it as we've picked it too, my rage at her is that she's just decided she's having it and we shouldn't. I too like to keep these things to myself but DH wouldn't have given it a second though whilst sharing with his own sister as he's just so excited. She's the youngest and always been the baby and always had her own way... to claim a bloody baby name is pain ridiculous though. I think he'll be more cautious in future!

If anyone says anything I would start smiling sweetly and saying 'well we did tell SIL that it is on our shortlist so she knew we are likely to call our baby this name, but we don't mind if she wants to use it too. They will be cousins so it's quite sweet really'.

That way it's clear you mentioned it first, but you look calm and reasonable.

tinplantpot · 14/08/2022 08:55

Oh and next time (if there is one) don't discuss names with anyone except your OH.

tinplantpot · 14/08/2022 08:54

There are so many Toms in my family we have big Tom, wee Tom, Tommy, Tommy from xtown, Grandpa Tom ... (Tom is not the actual name!).

Use the name. If she uses it too, so what.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

ZenNudist · 14/08/2022 08:53

Another one who thinks this is a no brainer and a non issue. Use the name.

MineIsBetterThanYours · 14/08/2022 08:53

If you want to use it, use it. See how you feel when baby is born, if you want to use it as a first name, second name or not at all. Make the decision about you and the baby. Not about what she thinks.

The fact she seems to think that because she said she was going to use that name, then her dbro and you should just fall in line is a symptom of a much broader attitude to life (on her part!).

Which means I might to pre empt some potential issue and actually let your DH parents know about your choice of name and that you had shared your choice with younger sister too. Such an exciting time etc…. Then there is less risk of her going on a tangent saying that you have clearly stolen HER name after she told you about it!

JulesCobb · 14/08/2022 08:48

sm8724 · 14/08/2022 07:12

@autienotnaughty that's exactly what we were doing and I feel the name announcement has only happen due to our interest in said name, which is why i am fuming. That along with "I'm sorry, I'm having it" message to DH is not ok.

Or he replies, you mean you are also having it.

but actually id ignore. Announced name when the baby is born. If anyone says anything you just say when sil heard your name choice she loved it so much she wanted it too!

also, my mum had two cousin Elaines. Same side of family.

Soubriquet · 14/08/2022 08:47

I’m glad you’re still going ahead. If anyone complains about it, ignore them, or say, “it’s what I’ve chosen. I chose it years ago”

JulesCobb · 14/08/2022 08:44

3luckystars · 14/08/2022 08:42

Perfect!!!

Show quote history

This. And, after the baby is born, id be saying how funny that sil heard your choice and also wanted it. How adorable!

3luckystars · 14/08/2022 08:42

cansu · 14/08/2022 08:35

Just laugh and tell her that you will be using the name and actually it is fine if she does to. She won't but what do you care.

Perfect!!!

Wouldloveanother · 14/08/2022 08:37

Aquamarine1029 · 14/08/2022 00:48

Go ahead and use the name. I would.

Same! Just use it and register your baby, she’ll have to find something else 🤷🏼‍♀️

cansu · 14/08/2022 08:35

Just laugh and tell her that you will be using the name and actually it is fine if she does to. She won't but what do you care.

miltonj · 14/08/2022 08:35

Use the name!!!!!!

If she causes a fuss so be it, that is not your issue.

diddl · 14/08/2022 08:31

I would take it as meaning that she'll use it even if you do.

Family sound awful telling your husband that he shouldn't use it.

I suppose as a GM I might think it a bit odd to have two GC with the same name but then I've named my children so not my decision!

Could be worse Op-when I told my Mum what our PFB was called she mulled it over & said "oh no I don't like that".

Well thanks Mum!

Applesarenice · 14/08/2022 08:02

I’d have made a joke there and then saying how funny it will be having two ‘baby name’s in the family so she knows to expect it. She’s obviously trying to stop you from using the name by announcing so early despite having the baby after and needs to realise she can’t do that

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 14/08/2022 07:53

I would use the name if it is a name you have loved for years and she only heard it from your husband. Your baby will be born first so she is hardly going to use it then as well.

Original poster
sm8724 · 14/08/2022 07:33

@Thefruitbatdancer I think she's genuinely wants the name and hasn't just taken it as we've picked it too, my rage at her is that she's just decided she's having it and we shouldn't. I too like to keep these things to myself but DH wouldn't have given it a second though whilst sharing with his own sister as he's just so excited. She's the youngest and always been the baby and always had her own way... to claim a bloody baby name is pain ridiculous though. I think he'll be more cautious in future!

OP posts:
Thefruitbatdancer · 14/08/2022 07:21

Never not ever!

Thefruitbatdancer · 14/08/2022 07:20

I've ever shared names that I liked but always the ones that I wasn't too fussed about. This way I kept the ones I really loved a secret so people were always pleasantly surprised when they heard it.

Original poster
sm8724 · 14/08/2022 07:12

@autienotnaughty that's exactly what we were doing and I feel the name announcement has only happen due to our interest in said name, which is why i am fuming. That along with "I'm sorry, I'm having it" message to DH is not ok.

OP posts:
Hidingawaytoday · 14/08/2022 07:09

sm8724 · 14/08/2022 06:58

Having slept on it I've come to the decision that as a person has suggested on this thread I will be calm and assertive in that we might use that name too and it's not a big deal, these are people we hardly see, our child will come across many others with the same name it's not overly rare and we have a nickname picked out too. Thanks again all it is sometimes nice to just have that back up isn't it! X

This sounds like a sensible thing to do. I wish you all the best with your pregnancy

Hidingawaytoday · 14/08/2022 07:09

Whippetquick · 14/08/2022 06:56

She sounds nasty

OFGS no she doesn't, for all you know she's had this name picked out since she was 12 just didn't tell anyone.