Husband or mine names part 2

They would help you because you've spent most of your life being controlled by an abusive man, and they exist to help people in situations like yours.

@Depakote

One of two things is true - and only you know which. Either you have taken on board things from Time Travellers Wife and Courtney and DOug Stodden and various other things.

Or this is your truth. A truth that people find so horrifying they cant possibly see is truth. If it is this one, he isnt a good man, you have been groomed, you are in an abusive relationship and if you dont run now you run the risk of your daughter either being taken into care or abused.

So if it is the former - bravo
If the latter - leave to your parents now

And if you are a troll, this is very unfunny.

I'd still rather you were trolling than for real though.

You say he isn't abusive and yet the more information you give, the more you are describing abusive behaviour.

Reading your posts is literally like ticking off boxes on a bingo card of classic abusive behaviour.

www.gov.uk/government/publications/domestic-abuse-recognise-the-signs/domestic-abuse-recognise-the-signs

Going through your posts in turn:

1. He decided he was going to marry you when you were six years old, i.e. a whole 10 years before you were considered old enough to consent to sex and 12 years before you were considered old enough to marry without parental consent.
2. You're still in pain from giving birth and he is "giving you a hard time" because you won't agree to give your child a name he loves and you hate, rather than the one you previously agreed upon together.
3. He's said he wants to keep getting you pregnant until you provide him with a son.
4. He has had violent physical fights with your dad.
5. He has "ruined your family life".
6. He controls who you are allowed to be friends with.
7. He controls where and when you are allowed to go out.
8. If you go out without him he will bombard you with phone calls and make sure you don't have a good time.
9. When he is out, he calls the landline to check you are at home where he wants you to be.
10. He stopped you from studying and getting any qualifications.
11. You don't have your own bank account or access to your own money, meaning you are completely financially dependent on him.
12. This is the first thing you've pushed back on in 17 years and he isn't willing to listen to what you want.
13. He makes you share your location so he can check up on you.
14. He controls what you wear and makes you dress like a porn star.

Added to that, the fact that he groomed you to be his future wife from the age of 6 and he makes you dress like a porn star when you don't want to make me worry that it isn't safe for your baby daughter to be around him without supervision.

Please listen to your family and take your daughter far away from this horrible, dangerous man.

And for goodness sake, register her birth before he can. Call your parents in secret and get them to book the appointment and take you to it, get it done, and then leave him.

Ok I'm calling it now. Stitch up.

Took it too far with the porn star clothes.

Bravo OP you had me for a while, should have known all along (I mean, Levi-Lily...WTF).

Putting aside any pp’s suggestions of grooming when you were underage, are you starting to see why the age gap situation makes people wary of your husband? There is no way a man like your husband could control a wife or girlfriend this way if she was say, 25 when he met her. Because she would already have a bank account and card and be able to navigate some of these things alone, so she would be very unlikely to tolerate having no access to money that wasn’t directed controlled by him.

Set up a bank account for your daughter too. It doesn’t need to be today, but having a child’s savings account that can later have a current account added when she is a teen means she will always have access to her own money and will never be in your situation of having no money and no hope of getting hold of any in the event of a disagreement with her romantic partner.

Same @PancakesWithCheese I am almost hoping that the links with time travellers wife hint that.

@Depakote if this is true your relationship is very shocking and abnormal and completely abusive and as I have said if I knew you in real life would report it as a safeguarding concern for your daughter because it is not normal and I would be concerned about possible abuse towards her

Will you be allowed to go out with your DD to baby groups or will her abuse start by being forced to be at home with you and have no normal interaction

Oh FFS. OP, you need your own bank account and a card to go with it. It’s fine to have a joint account too, but you should also have proper access to that so you know how the family finances are faring from month to month.

Look, even if your relationship is loving and caring and you have no interest in leaving, one day you will simply have to engage with basic financial literacy because you will in all probability live 30years ish longer than your husband. And before that, there is likely to be a long period of time where your husband is retired but you are working. You need to know how bank accounts work. Open one up (I’m sure your parents would help with this! Maybe you already have a childhood savings account?). Get child benefit sent to your account, not a joint account and not your husband’s account. Even if your husband’s earning put you over the threshold and he has to pay back the equivalent of child benefit in tax, then it will still be money you control.

When you have a bank account, the day you decide to get a job you can just get your salary paid straight into it. So your husband won’t get a say in whether or not you work. It will be your decision.

Every woman needs a ´running away fund’. Money or credit in your own account that you could use in an emergency to get away from home. Having this gives you power, even if you never ever want or need to use it. It gives you the option to be able to leave, if you ever decide your domestic situation is intolerable. This means you will feel better able to stand up for yourself when you disagree with your husband. Don’t call it a ´running away fund’ in front of your partner obviously. Call it your emergency fund.

I’m starting to hope this isn’t real as the last post is just horrifying.

Oh OP he is definitely 100% abusive - he is nice because that is what gets you to do what he does.

Here is a question - since you have for the first time pushed back has he being so nice to you. Has he ever compromised or is it all you. Abusers come in many different shapes and forms and violence and aggression is only one. This is a far more horrify type of abuse where you have been groomed since you are a young child

The brutal truth is that if you appeared with you child at a playgroup/nursery etc wearing the clothes that you say that he wears and told me your story I would report you to social services. Because I would believe that your daughter would be at risk from her father.

Moving away from how your relationship started.

It is absolutely not healthy or normal or ok for a man to prevent a woman from going out by themselves, then to constantly check up on them because of their ‘anxiety’. This is not ok!

Its not cute or sweet or that he’s worried. It’s none of those. It’s controlling and abusive.

It’s not ok for a man to prevent a woman from attending education. It’s controlling and abusive. The correct response is to support and encourage you.

It is not ok for a man to control the finances, this can also be financial abuse.

It is not ok to be told you cannot have male friends.

Just think about the example this is going to be setting for your DD as she grows up. You don’t have any idea of a normal functioning relationship because you’ve never had one, and your DD will copy this.

His behaviour is not and has never been, ok. To be honest, it’s fucking alarming.

The name Alba though is very apt considering it is from Time Travellers Wife where she did indeed meet her husband when she was 6!

He was a 32 year old man who met a six year old girl and decided he wanted to marry her. That's not even remotely normal.

You aren't allowed to have male friends.

You aren't allowed to go out without him, and on the rare occasions that he does let you, he harasses you with constant phone calls.

You gave up your education and clearly have a low opinion of yourself and your own abilities.

You don't have access to your own money.

Do you work? Have you ever worked?

All of these things are massive red flags.

The only positive points I can see about your situation is that you still have a relationship with your family, and you clearly have a strong instinct to do the right thing for your daughter and protect her from harm. Trust that instinct, because your desire to protect her needs to be much bigger than just stopping your husband from giving her a stupid name.

Oh OP, this not a healthy relationship for you, at all.

The age gap is a huge red flag and I say this as the child of parents with a large age gap but the younger parent was late 20s when I was born.

You were only 17 when you got together. You are now only 23 and married and have a child.

Your H has caused a rift in your family. He has stopped you studying. He doesn't ensure you have equal access to money. He doesn't let you have male friends and he follows you around and checks up on you to 'manage his anxiety'.

He is now insisting on giving your little girl a boy's name and doesn't respect your opinion as your daughter's mother and as the person who carried and birthed your daughter.

This isn't a loving marriage of equals. He doesn't respect you as a person, as his wife, or as your daughter's mother.

He doesn't respect women in general - it's why he wants to give your daughter a boy's name and to keep 'trying for a boy'.

How were your midwife appointments? Did he insist on attending them all too?

OP, how would you feel about having this thread moved to the relationships board?

@Depakote He did tell me though that when he saw me to the first time, he knew he'd married me one day. So I am happy he has chosen me. He is very caring, intelligent.

He’s known you since you were 6 years old. He’s a paedo. You’re also in a controlling relationship:

psychcentral.com/lib/signs-controlling-partner-relationship#signs-of-a-controlling-partner

1. They make decisions for you

There’s a blurry line between attentiveness and pressure. But it may be the latter if your partner routinely makes decisions for you. This is controlling behavior.

Perhaps they always insist on driving you everywhere, or they hog time in your schedule.

They may also make arrangements with your friends without asking you first, or they may paint or redecorate according to their taste only.

If they disagree with the way you dress, they might tell you so, or they could start slowly “changing your wardrobe” by buying specific outfits as gifts to you.

1. They’re overprotective

Caring for you isn’t the same as controlling you, though sometimes it may be difficult for you to tell them apart.

A partner may be overprotective if they question who you’ve gone out with, get upset if you don’t answer a phone call right away, or act jealous of your friends and family.

They may also assume that you’re only safe when they’re around, or they may ask you to consult with them every time you’re making a decision about your life.

A controlling partner may be on top of your medical appointments, draw a special diet for you, or advise you against that coworker they don’t like.

Any of these behaviors on their own might not mean anything in particular. But if your partner or spouse repeatedly acts this way and won’t take your interests, needs, and opinions into account, they might be trying to control you.

1. They play the blame game

A controlling person can have a hard time taking responsibility for their actions.

You may confront a controlling boyfriend, only to find that they’ve somehow turn it back around on you. You may even find yourself apologizing for something you didn’t know you needed to be sorry for.

For example, let’s say you’ve been texting your close friend about your relationship difficulties. While you’re in the shower, your girlfriend goes onto your phone and reads those private messages, then gets mad at you for what they saw.

Instead of admitting that they invaded your privacy in the first place, they might shift the blame to you in order to avoid responsibility for their choices. This is a sign of controlling behavior in relationships.

1. They criticize you

This is more than a careless remark here or there — after all, we all have our bad days.

Criticism can look like making jokes about you in front of other people, disparaging the way you dress, or always pointing out mistakes — like the one place you forgot to shave your legs or a little bit of dust you forgot to clean on the floor.

Over time, constant criticism can erode your sense of self-confidence, and it may also lead you to act in certain ways to avoid being criticized.

1. They micromanage you

A controlling romantic partner may try to prevent you from living your life as you typically would. They might:

tell you what you can wear or how you should wear your hair
pressure you to stay at a certain weight
try to control your finances
prevent you from getting medical care or seeing a therapist
tell you when you can go to work or school
hide your school or work materials from you
A controlling partner may also show this tendency in everyday situations. For example, they could:

always ask you about your conversations when you hang up the phone
check what you just got out of the fridge
supervise what you buy at the grocery store

1. They isolate you from others

Isolating behavior can be subtle, like tuning out the conversation when you share stories about other people or giving you an eye roll when you answer phone calls.

It can also be more overt.

A controlling partner may complain about how much time you spend with other people, like friends or family. They may put down your loved ones or say that they’re a bad influence on you. They may even act in certain ways that create friction when your friends or family are around.

They can also isolate you by demanding your attention with a crisis, in order to prevent you from following through on plans with other people. They might give you the silent treatment whenever you choose to spend time with someone else.

1. They gaslight you

The term “gaslight” is inspired by the 1944 film of the same name. In it, a husband slowly leads his wife to believe she’s losing her mind by doing things like dimming the gaslights and then pretending that he didn’t.

A controlling partner may downplay an experience, like an angry outburst, and then accuse you of being overly sensitive. They may also say something hurtful, then follow it up with, “It was just a joke. You’re being dramatic.” This is gaslighting.

They may even deny saying things, lie to you or tell you that your gut instinct is wrong. At times, they may even ask you to seek help, saying that you’re losing your grip on reality.

1. They invade your privacy

A controlling partner may demand to see your recent chat history, or they may read your diary while you’re at work. They may also constantly ask what you’re thinking or how you’re feeling.

They may monitor your activity, like following you in their car, watching how many steps you take on Fitbit, or keeping track of what you’re doing through social media or searching on Google.

They may also ask to have your passwords and present it as “if you have nothing to hide, why wouldn’t I have those?” You have the right to your privacy and demanding you don’t is a sign of a controlling partner.

1. They trespass on your boundaries

If you say “no” to something, a controlling partner may try to talk you out of it. This can look like pressuring you to change your mind or arguing with you about why you’re wrong.

This goes for physical boundaries as well. For example, you make plans with someone else and let your partner know that you’re going to be unavailable, but your partner shows up at your house uninvited.

You don't come across as stupid at all.

You come across as a bright, intelligent woman who wants the best for her daughter but has been controlled by a predatory man since the age of six.

Good lord. He is abusing you. If he's been in your life since you were six years old, you've never been with anyone else and you aren't allowed male friends, you don't realise it because you have no idea what normal looks like.

OP, do you think there is any way you could show this thread to your midwife or health visitor?

Your husband knew you when you were 6 and he was mid 20s... is that not creepy to you? He's also sexist and awful at choosing names. Good luck parenting with him