AIBU wanting to give DD my mum's name as her middle name

If your DD has her dad’s surname then it’s only fair that you get to pick a middle name from your family.
She’ll already share a surname with MIL.

And I note that it is YOU who works down the childcare list and organises cover. Do you both work? Is this enabling him to work?

Do your kids have your DH’s surname? In which case tell him they are already carrying your Mum’s name and you want some of your maternal line within your kids’ names.

He sounds very opinionated and not very flexible and he ought to be bloody appreciative of your Mum’s support.

Just don’t tell MIL that you’ve used your mum’s name. It’s so rare for it to be used and she doesn’t sound interested enough to go looking for the BC.

I don’t see the problem. My daughters middle name is her great nanas name. It was a tribute to her as she really is the glue that holds the family together. I didn’t really think about using any other grandparents names and no one ever passed comment. Dd does have two middle names, one due to heritage. It’s a testament to your mother who is a devoted grandparent and I must admit it very jealous of how devoted your mother is, that must be so lovely for your children. My mother is like your mil, she tends to only be interested in the 1st 6 months after that you never hear from her. It’s something I’ve been used to since I was a child and played sister mom to my siblings.

Especially if you choose a variant rather than exactly the same name. If you’re mum’s Mary, then use Marie. If mum is Julie, try Juliette.
OR, use your mum’s middle name as your DD’s middle name? It’s highly unlikely your MIL would notice that.

Would your MIL even notice?

This

When my DS1 was born it was my MIL's suggestion that we gave him a name from my side of the family. Her argument was that he had DH's name as his surname so only fair something from my side was in there too.

If DC has your husband's name then it's only fair. I gather that will also be their link to MIL too 😊

We wanted to pass down family names and decided that if we had a boy the middle name would be my DP's dad's name and if we had a girl it would be my mum's name. We had a girl and my MIL was absolutely fine about it. Our baby, our decision.

I think it's a nice idea. Maybe he chooses first name then if you get the 2nd name?

I wouldn't, I dislike how names are used to honour or handed down. Give your child their own name, but do make sure it is something you and your dp can agree on.

Of course you should give her your mums name. Put your foot down on this! Your Dh sounds a bit overbearing about it all.

What are the final two names you are down to for the first name? You’ve only got two weeks left to choose.

Some people are suggesting adding MIL's name as second middle name to keep the peace, and I can see how this suggestion has value, but I wouldn't.

It would just irk me to give the name of a distant and disinterested GP to my child. She doesn't seem to consider your or your children's feeling (not sending cards, being unreliable, etc). So why should you consider hers ?

I'd just tell your husband that you'll consider his mother's name for next child (consider doesn't mean you'll actually do it - or that you'll have another child). And that the grand-parent who actually plays a role in the children's lives goes first. And if the children have his last name you can point that out too. Or you could agree to MIL's name as middle if he agrees to change the kids' last name to yours ! (don't worry he won't want to).

It's a ridiculous situation - we are down to two. A tough decision and husband has strong views and essentially vetoes anything I like. Are you down to two that you both agree on, or is he still balking? If you can't agree, he needs to start generating some suggestions until he hits on something you also love. I'd figure out the first, then fill in the middle.

Does he also dislike the middle name you suggested, or just not like the fact that it's your mother's name? Do your other children have family names, either first or middle?

We have our first son both grandfathers names as middle names; for the second one we adopted the grandmothers names into male versions ...... middle names are sentimental and rarely used. So why don't you use both mothers's names?

DD and DS have 2 middle names each. This has soothed many things

Is it an option for you?

DD is named after my mum and my grandma
i think you should have the deciding vote

I just want to know what the name is?

If your child will be given her father's surname then it seems a no brainer to me.

Are you at a standoff as regards deciding on the first name?

Do it! We named my daughter after my Mum and DH's Nan, who he's really close to. They happen to have the same name although use different diminutives.
If MIL was annoyed she hid it quite well, but tbh she's never been there for us in the same way as the others have

I don't think you need to use both to be fair. It's your child and you should give them the name you want.

Does your DD have the same surname as MIL? That would be my argument, then she gets something from both sides of the family.

compromise - 2 middle names, your mum’s first, then his. Anything else is divisive.

and if you suggest that hopefully you can have pick of the first

Middles names are pretty pointless so I'd shove your MILs name on the end tbh