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AIBU wanting to give DD my mum's name as her middle name

61 replies

mamamaeve · 17/07/2022 20:53

DD is four weeks old. We still have no name for her. It's a ridiculous situation - we are down to two. A tough decision and husband has strong views and essentially vetoes anything I like.

First name conundrum aside, I would like to give her my mum's first name as her middle name. My DM is utterly amazing with the children, she has them 3x days a week (minimum), is our absolute lifeline whenever we need back up care/a night away/emergency sick cover. When the kids have any illnesses she will move her working week around to be able to help us so that we can still work. She takes them swimming and has done since they were all 18 months old (she's the only granny in the pool!). Not that the financial stuff should be important, but to avoid any drip feed, they also pay the kids' private school fees, have trust funds set up for them etc. The children will not struggle financially- because of my DP.

By comparison, my MIL lives 4 hours away so cannot be as on tap as my DM but - that said - she is probably at the other extreme in terms of how hopeless and disinterested she is. There is still no talk of coming to see their new grandchild (also no card or gift sent...), and for our other DC it's always taken them a good 6-7 weeks to come over. When my own DP cannot cover for something, I will work down a list of alternative options before calling on MIL as she's so wrapped up in her own life and v unreliable. Nothing wrong with her approach, but because of that she has no real bond with the kids. It's all a bit awkward when they come over, takes the kids a while to warm to her etc. When she tries to give any advice on the kids I find it all quite cringeworthy as she doesn't have a clue.

I'd like to give our DD my mum's first name as DD middle name. DH doesn't agree and says it would p!ss his own mother off. I actually don't think it would, but I also don't think we should be paying any sort of testament to her. I really, really would like this little nod for my mum and feel she would be really touched.

Any views?

OP posts:
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mummyoftri · 02/08/2022 01:03

@Kite22 yes sorry I have name changed!
See replies below as to options

Kite22 · 02/08/2022 00:10

HappyHappyHermit · 22/07/2022 06:00

I wouldn't, I dislike how names are used to honour or handed down. Give your child their own name, but do make sure it is something you and your dp can agree on.

Totally agree with this.

OP Have you name changed ? As there are no highlighted posts from you but someone else is answering as if they are you.

wellhelloitsme · 01/08/2022 23:51

However, I would actually understand it if your DH was against passing any names down, in general. I would be.

I bet he wasn't against passing his last name down to his DD though...

So it doesn't seem unfair for OP to choose a middle name from her side of the family.

Louisall · 01/08/2022 22:14

I think you're completely right in finding your own mum more 'worthy' of being honoured than your MIL and that you don't owe your MIL a justification or for her (potential) feelings to matter in this decision. However, I would actually understand it if your DH was against passing any names down, in general. I would be. Your mum clearly loves her grandkids and has close bonds with them and this is what matters at the end of the day- being honoured through her name being used as a mn isn't important as such and for some could just be a bit odd or uncomfortable. Maybe your DH feels that way and made it about fairness regarding his own mum rather than just admitting that he feels more generally uncomfortable with the idea of honouring (either) granny through passing on her name? You might feel very close to your mum but for him your child having your mum's name might just be a bit too much/too close, even a bit cringey perhaps.

KittyWithStripes · 01/08/2022 22:01

mummyoftri · 01/08/2022 21:40

He has now agreed! Hence my latest post on this thread!

Are you the OP? You’ve name-changed 🤣
<and that’s quite ironic given the subject>

DillDanding · 01/08/2022 21:45

Middle names are completely pointless. So to keep the peace, why not just shove in both grandmothers' names?

mummyoftri · 01/08/2022 21:40

Sunshineona · 01/08/2022 21:39

Your DH is being kind of a bully about all this. If you can’t both agree, then you get to decide since you’re the person who had the baby and all the physical trauma that went with that. You get the casting vote.

It sounds to me like he’s waiting for you to run out of energy so that he gets to choose the name. What a prince 🙄

He has now agreed! Hence my latest post on this thread!

Sunshineona · 01/08/2022 21:39

Your DH is being kind of a bully about all this. If you can’t both agree, then you get to decide since you’re the person who had the baby and all the physical trauma that went with that. You get the casting vote.

It sounds to me like he’s waiting for you to run out of energy so that he gets to choose the name. What a prince 🙄

mummyoftri · 01/08/2022 21:35

Not* sure it goes

mummyoftri · 01/08/2022 21:34

MammaWeasel · 01/08/2022 21:22

Orla Jillian could work? or Orla Grace Jillian

Mum has never liked Jillian and she's just Jill so I think we'd have to go with the shorter version, hence I'm more sure it goes...

KittyWithStripes · 01/08/2022 21:31

feellikeanalien · 17/07/2022 21:10

We were quite lucky since DDs middle name was both my mum's name and DP's mum's middle name.

Us too!!

very fortuitous.

two birds with one stone there 🥰

MammaWeasel · 01/08/2022 21:22

Orla Jillian could work? or Orla Grace Jillian

mummyoftri · 01/08/2022 21:13

So the name we are going for is Orla. But I'm not sure it goes with DM's name- meaning it would be Orla Jill.

My favourite choice is Orla Grace but it has no sentimental value, albeit I think is very pretty.

WWYD?

2pinkginsplease · 23/07/2022 21:51

We gave dd my mums middle name as her middle name. Dh wanted his mums name there too however it’s so old fashioned and his niece has his mums name as a middle name so I said no!

I don’t feel bad as my niece has changed her middle name as she didn’t like it! Lol.

YellowPlumbob · 23/07/2022 21:48

DD1 has my Grandmothers and MILs name as her middle names. We chose a name each.

DD2 has my first name (ExHs choice, not mine) and ExHs Grandmothers names as middle names.

My Grandmother and MIL are amazing, as was his Grandmother. The jury is still out on me 😁

Mally100 · 23/07/2022 21:44

Your dm sounds utterly, utterly lovely! I would definitely do this, she is so deserving as well. Sometimes it's not about being fair, your mil doesn't deserve the honor.

mistygem · 23/07/2022 21:38

I feel your MIL just haven't clicked with children and feels disinterested because she's depressed about it. It just screams that.

Merryclaire · 23/07/2022 07:06

I find the idea of having to even the score between grandparents quite irritating. If the name is meaningful to you, and you want to use it, then do so.

Especially I think it’s more valid to pass a name down the maternal line.

I plan to give our daughter (when she’s here) a nice middle name from my side of the family, which has passed down three generations already. DH doesn’t seem to care if she has a middle name or not so while we will obviously agree on the first name (which he is much more opinionated about), I will push to get my choice for middle name.

I like MIL but won’t add an extra name in just to appease - seems so silly. Maybe for the next child!

caringcarer · 22/07/2022 15:25

If your DC have DH surname as their surname yanbu to want your DM name as a middle name. Nothing to do with mil, who also may have same surname as children.

JanuaryKeepMe · 22/07/2022 15:08

Coming at this from a different angle, have your other children got family names or will it just be this one? Because later on you may have to explain why you only gave a family middle name to this one child and not the others.

Soubriquet · 22/07/2022 14:59

HappyHappyHermit · 22/07/2022 06:00

I wouldn't, I dislike how names are used to honour or handed down. Give your child their own name, but do make sure it is something you and your dp can agree on.

You would hate our tradition then.

Me, my mum, my daughter and my niece all have the same middle name. It’s an honour towards a daughter my grandad had, before he married my Nan, who died.

My grandad has passed away now so I doubt dd will carry on the tradition and that’s ok. It was important to my grandad to do this, so I did it.

toastofthetown · 22/07/2022 14:56

Could you use two middle names? My husband and I plan to each choose a middle for our children, so you could each choose your mother’s name.

saynotoo · 22/07/2022 12:51

Could you use your mother's maiden name as a middle name?

SuperCamp · 22/07/2022 10:46

HappyHappyHermit · 22/07/2022 06:00

I wouldn't, I dislike how names are used to honour or handed down. Give your child their own name, but do make sure it is something you and your dp can agree on.

I do agree with this. I would only use your Mum’s name if it is a name you actually like, and could see working.

It isn’t our kids’ job to carry names so that other people can ‘honour’ someone: they are not park benches!

You could always add your Mum’s name to your own name, as an additional middle name.

Your Mum gets her own reward for her closeness to her grandchildren: a close bond, involvement, fun times that the children will remember all their lives and will be a source of conversation when they are grown up.

And as for adding both GM’s names… how many names should a kid have to deal with to ‘honour’ people who are already ‘honoured’ by the wonderful opportunity to be grandparents.

I would think my Dc bonkers if they gave any (future, currently hypothetical) DGC my name as a middle name. It is ‘of its time’, and I don’t want their names futureproofed as a memorial in anticipation of my death, thanks!

RedWingBoots · 22/07/2022 10:09

SpaceJamtart · 17/07/2022 21:05

Its unreasonable for a grandparent to ne pissed off at not being honored in a childs name, especially a disinterested one.
And honestly weird and childish behaviour to be jealous of another grandparents name being used.

This.

One of my friends gave her eldest her mothers middle name and her youngest has a middle name that is recognition to the father's family. What's more amusing is the eldest looks like her paternal grandmother....

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