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Baby names

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Original poster

Baby name - deep anxiety 4 months in

35 replies

hellobab · 25/06/2022 01:23

My baby turned 4 months this week, and I am suffering from pretty extreme anxiety about his name. It’s got to the stage where it feels like it’s taken over my life.

When my baby was born, I had a name that I felt a real connection with but my partner vetoed. After to-ing and fro-ing for 4 weeks, trying out a few names that didn’t feel quite right, we picked one on the way into the registry office, right at the last minute and with me feeling really stressed. It was the name we had kept coming back to - we tried it out first, but didn’t instantly feel like the one.

I had immediate regret, and since then have been looking for a better name to change it to. Since anxiety has really taken a hold of me, I feel like I can no longer judge what the right name is, or what I even like. I can’t trust my own judgement any more and don’t know my own mind. I’m totally obsessed with online name forums, you tube channels, internet searches and listening to other kids names in the playground. I think about this all day, every day.

We have a long list of 12-15 names but I literally CANNOT choose. We’ve tried out 8 or 9 names for a few days each, but none ever feel ‘right’. There’s a familiar pattern that I start off feeling positive - desperate to fix this - but after 4 or 5 days an allergic reaction creeps in and I
feel like I just can’t use it anymore. He has different names at baby groups all over town and with different people. I keep questioning everything.
Was the name we registered him with ‘meant to be’? Is it very obviously NOT meant to be? When did my anxiety start and when did I have a clear head - should i trust the name I put down in the registry office or move on?

My husband has now conceded to the original name I loved but I can’t even be sure I like that any more. It is a marmite name, and I don’t trust my pregnant self on it.

I feel incapable of choosing, committing or moving forward, yet desperate to resolve this as I know at 4 months babies start to recognise their names, so it’s really important for his development and socialisation.

Ive just finished a course of CBT with the NHS which didn’t help - I helped me see that from a rational POV this is crazy and illogical, but my emotional state / fear is still there. I’ve tried letting my husband choose but just can’t make peace with his decisions. Equally, I feel unable to make one myself. Trying to decide leads to really not just mental anxiety but super strong physical reaction too, with near panic attacks.

I have always been indecisive, and this has turned into anxiety over the last few years when it comes to life decisions about jobs or moving house - but this is next level. I know I need talking therapy long term, but need to fix this right now.

The feelings of guilt, shame, self loathing, embarrassment are intense - this has literally taken over my life. I cry most days, struggling to hide it from my 2 year old, who has definitely picked up on the background anxiety. I’m so petrified of getting it wrong that I’m frozen, and causing loads of damage in the meantime. I feel terrible about myself and this situation - had anyone experienced anything similar and can give me any hope / suggestions of a way out?

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lightenuplantern · 01/08/2023 11:20

Listen, mama. It's time to get real about your baby name obsession. Your mental health is affecting your child more than the name you give him. It's time to prioritize your baby's well-being over your own anxiety.

Mom7777 · 01/08/2023 10:57

Hi!

How are things now with you and the name? Have you got any help with it? Reading your post was much like reading my own, except we have a girl. She's now 1 year 1 month and I still think about it every day and am reluctant to use her name. We chose an uncommon name in our country and people pronounce it differently than we originally thought. It makes me cringe every time I hear the 'wrong' pronounciation and it's a very common mistake, even people who know about our worries about it, call her that from time to time, I guess it just comes natural to our language but we didn't realise it before. And I dislike the other pronounciation very much. :D Correcting it all the time also feels silly as for others the difference is not that strong.. It's funny my sister had a very similar story and they eventually changed the name when the girl was around 2 (they kept the original name as a second name). Now she sometimes prefers to use the original name again. :D I'm very much stuck and need help also. Maybe we can somehow figure it out together. :D

Wombat222 · 10/01/2023 10:59

hellobab · 10/01/2023 09:03

I hear you @Wombat222.
I'm worried I'll feel really triggered every time I look at him and it'll create a wedge between us though :(

It hasn’t affected bonding though so please don’t worry! What’s the name if you don’t mind me asking?

Wombat222 · 10/01/2023 09:31

hellobab · 10/01/2023 09:03

I hear you @Wombat222.
I'm worried I'll feel really triggered every time I look at him and it'll create a wedge between us though :(

I still can’t tell people the name sometimes but it has got easier with time and he has ‘become’ his name now he’s 4! Though it still makes me cringe 😂

Original poster
hellobab · 10/01/2023 09:03

I hear you @Wombat222.
I'm worried I'll feel really triggered every time I look at him and it'll create a wedge between us though :(

OP posts:
Wombat222 · 10/01/2023 08:32

hellobab · 10/01/2023 08:16

Well, I'm totally stuck.
10 months later, we've been using the original name because I've never been able to choose an alt that feels good enough - I've developed a real aversion to using a name full stop.
My partner has finally called time and he's right that this needs to end.
I still don't really love the original name, and struggle to introduce him as that. But choosing a new one still feels difficult to pinpoint - there's no clear 'best' option of the 5-6 names that have been circling around all year. It's also now like a real challenge for my 3 year old to move away from.

So I'm not sure whether to move away from the first name and get a fresh start (even if that feels tricky too, and will be challenging for our family), or stick to the old one - accepting I'll feel some pain, regret, and have to work very hard to learn to use it.

What a year.

I know this feeling well! I think stick with what you have unless you’re confident about another. There are no perfect names I am realising and the pressure just builds and builds. It’s so hard! I’ll always be in awe of anyone who confidently announces a name on the day of birth!

Original poster
hellobab · 10/01/2023 08:16

Well, I'm totally stuck.
10 months later, we've been using the original name because I've never been able to choose an alt that feels good enough - I've developed a real aversion to using a name full stop.
My partner has finally called time and he's right that this needs to end.
I still don't really love the original name, and struggle to introduce him as that. But choosing a new one still feels difficult to pinpoint - there's no clear 'best' option of the 5-6 names that have been circling around all year. It's also now like a real challenge for my 3 year old to move away from.

So I'm not sure whether to move away from the first name and get a fresh start (even if that feels tricky too, and will be challenging for our family), or stick to the old one - accepting I'll feel some pain, regret, and have to work very hard to learn to use it.

What a year.

OP posts:
Wakk · 08/01/2023 22:00

@Wombat222 congratulations on your baby and ignore baby names. Loads and loads of trolls go on there just to be a prick.

I'm sure you've picked a great name.

Wombat222 · 08/01/2023 11:22

Sundaisy · 22/12/2022 19:36

Let's hold each others hand and cross this river of anxiety together. We all know in our hearts that these types of thoughts don't have any realistic value. It's just our anxiety, hormones and exhaustion that are playing tricks with our brain. We are doing our best and we deserve best for ourselves too. Love..

And mumsnet baby name threads need to be avoided at all costs! I think they’re the cause of a lot of my anxiety - there isn’t a name that hasn’t been torn apart on there, people are brutal!

Wombat222 · 08/01/2023 11:20

hellobab · 21/12/2022 12:36

@Wombat222 being honest with you - I'm now 10 months in and still really suffering. Things have not been easy. It's not resolved.
My one bit of advice would be talk to a third party like a name consultant who can help facilitate a decision for you - and take some of the weight of responsibility from you. Help you turn off the washing machine in your brain! Just do it, don't wait for things to sort themselves out. Sending love xxx

Thank you! It’s happened again so I definitely need to x

Sundaisy · 22/12/2022 19:36

Let's hold each others hand and cross this river of anxiety together. We all know in our hearts that these types of thoughts don't have any realistic value. It's just our anxiety, hormones and exhaustion that are playing tricks with our brain. We are doing our best and we deserve best for ourselves too. Love..

Sundaisy · 22/12/2022 19:27

@hellobab Sorry to know that you are still suffering. Did you take some treatment for PPA?

Original poster
hellobab · 21/12/2022 12:36

@Wombat222 being honest with you - I'm now 10 months in and still really suffering. Things have not been easy. It's not resolved.
My one bit of advice would be talk to a third party like a name consultant who can help facilitate a decision for you - and take some of the weight of responsibility from you. Help you turn off the washing machine in your brain! Just do it, don't wait for things to sort themselves out. Sending love xxx

OP posts:
Wakk · 04/12/2022 21:48

We could all tell you it's a great name but at the end of the day it won't matter, it's a type of pnd and you can get help. You'll be okay and the name won't matter in time Flowers

Wombat222 · 04/12/2022 21:39

I am very late but faced the exact same situation (linked I think to a close friend dying two days before the birth). He’s now 4 and I’m honestly still not sure about his name! BUT I think I’m just about learning to let go and accept that the name is his now not mine. Pregnant again, due in 2 weeks and anxiety is back though :(

Sundaisy · 15/11/2022 04:22

@hellobab I am going through exactly the same situation. It gave me hope that I am not alone. Are you over this phase or still struggling? I would love to know how you coped with the situation.

SardaJay · 27/06/2022 17:27

I'm so sorry you are going through this, OP. I agree with other posters that you should seek some help as you should not be suffering like this.

I also experienced serious name regret in the postnatal period. I gave my DS a very popular name, and obsessed for months afterwards that I'd given him a dull name, that I'd chosen the wrong name etc etc. Round and round in circles. But he grew into it, and I can't imagine him being called anything else now. It's just not an issue now.

You are putting an impossible amount of pressure on yourself. Perfectionism does no good here because there is no perfect name - just lots of nice options xx

CoopeyMum · 27/06/2022 09:28

It may be easier to speak with HV rather than GP.

Or alternatively, find your local crisis number.

Once again, good luck xx

Original poster
hellobab · 27/06/2022 00:02

@Eek3under3 I’m truly so sorry to hear about your DD, that’s just so sad.

@CoopeyMum thank you - I will go back to the GP. I’ve not found them very helpful to date but you’ve made me realise I need to take responsibility for finding a better way in to get some support.

@SeanChailleach yes I absolutely need a new fixation…

OP posts:
SeanChailleach · 26/06/2022 22:43

Sending hugs. Went through similar and then second guessed every decision I made for years. My baby is now a teenager and her name is the least of my worries. My only suggestion is, have you tried finding something else to fix your mind onto? I used to read rose catalogues and it have my head a rest from the name thing. I hope you can give yourself some peace soon.

@Eek3under3 so sorry for your loss.

Littlebirdyouaresosweet · 26/06/2022 22:39

Op I bet your dc has a lovely name.

CoopeyMum · 26/06/2022 22:37

I work in psychiatry and the feelings you are experiencing have nothing to do with your child's name, it is all consuming mental health and you really need to speak to your gp or hv to get you some much needed help xx

God bless you & trust the professionals, I know it can be horrifically scary xx good luck op x

Eek3under3 · 26/06/2022 18:20

I had this with dd1, and called her ‘the baby’ for most of her life (she died when she was 1). I had severe pnd and didn’t know this was part of how it manifested for me. Not connecting with her name helped me not bond with her.

I have another friend who had a similar experience and changed her ds’s name after 6 months because the first name reminded her of dark times and her pnd.

Please get help from your GP, whether you keep or change the name. It will be ok.

Original poster
hellobab · 26/06/2022 18:16

Thank you all so much for all of your help and kind words.
@Yika you’re absolutely right - it’s a horrible circular trap with no perfect answer and now we’re so deep in the stakes feel really high.
I feel like so scared to let him down with the first big responsibility I have as his mum, but finding the ‘right’ answer is literally impossible.

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 26/06/2022 13:28

The name will be fine.
And if you change it, it will be fine. People all over the place have different names and are lovely people.

Seek help on anxiety so you can focus on enjoying your beautiful children.

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