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Baby names

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Original poster

Would you use a name with very strong associations in your DP's family?

39 replies

Glitterygreen · 17/01/2022 17:27

A couple of years ago, prior to pregnancy, DP and I discussed a girl's name that we liked - I actually brought it up and he absolutely loved it as it was his nan's name and he was very close to her. It was just a random conversation in passing so was left at that.

I never met his nan (she died about 15 years ago) but she is a very strong presence still in his family - often talked about and most of my DP's happy memories of childhood include her and his grandad as he spent lots of time with them. I won't say the name as it's quite outing - it's relatively rare but is gaining popularity currently. It's quite a traditional, old-fashioned name.

The problem is I am now (quite newly) pregnant and DP is sort of wedded to that name, whereas I am not sure I'm as keen as I was. I think it's a truly lovely name but now it could become reality I'm just not feeling as much of a connection to it as the name I'd want to give my own baby. There are others that I prefer.

I am also very conscious that DP's family will 100% think he has chosen it in tribute to his nan, even though it was my suggestion originally, and will assume I've had nothing to do with it. I'm not comfortable with the thought of MIL going around telling all her friends and family that DP has named his baby after her mother, how sweet, etc etc.

As I said, it's a very pretty name and I know I'd think it was lovely on someone else's little girl, but I am just not sure for my own. Partially because of the above, but also because it doesn't shorten well - the usual shortened version is very "old lady", but I have a feeling DP's family will end up shortening it to exactly what they all called his nan as well, which is slightly different but which I also wouldn't really want (though totally appreciate you can't control how a name is shortened by others).

So I'm just wondering...would you be happy to use a name with such strong associations within your DP's family, but nothing for you?

All theoretical obvs as it's early days and also may not even be a girl. But just wondering how others would feel on this. I am just conscious that the longer it remains on the list, the more DP will set his heart on it. And I just can't decide if I like it enough, but more to the point if I'm comfortable with how much his family will adopt it and love it as a tribute.

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ludocris · 17/01/2022 17:49

I think there's something a bit odd about you being against the name for the reason that your in laws might mistakenly think your DP chose it in tribute to his nan. I get it if it's just about you going off the name, but I don't get the sense that's the issue. Is there a backstory? It sounds like you don't want them to have the 'satisfaction', even potentially at the risk of cutting off your own nose to spite your face?

ImNotWhoYouThinkIam · 17/01/2022 17:49

I'd use it as a middle name if you don't love it enough to be a first name.

My DS1 has 2 middle names, one of my Grandads and one of his Dad's Grandads (who I never met). I have, more than once had comments about how awful one of those names is. I think I was 10-15 years ahead of the "old man" name trend. Grin

Skeumorph · 17/01/2022 17:48

I don't think you using it as a middle name would affect your sister using it, for a start. None of her partner's family/friends need even know you'd used it, and you using it as a 'family name' on your DP's side kind of neutralises the 'using it up' I think? Like, if his nan had a differnet name, baby would have carried that?

DEFINITELY not first name - tell your DP now, so he can get used to it. You need to be 100% on the name and feel it's really 'yours' - I can see how the name immediately being 'taken over' as coming completely from him and not you would really upset me. No no no. Also the nickname thing. It's not going to work!

Yes, if you're not married - your surname!!

piney07 · 17/01/2022 17:46

Maybe just say you definitely love the name as either a first or middle name but keen to keep brainstorming incase a new name comes up or a better mix with this name as middle name then?

PainterMummy · 17/01/2022 17:45

I completely fail to understand why you should have an issue that your DP family would think you chose the name as it was the nan’s name nor why it should be any issue at all as a possible tribute. What on earth is wrong with that? It is actually a nice thing to do. A loving thing to remember someone who meant so much to your DP. Frankly if it were a name I liked (even just thought maybe) and meant so much to my DP, of course I’d be willing to use it. What does it matter that you suggested it first without knowing it was nan’s name or if your DP suggested it first? I’d have thought that would be a positive coincidence that you both like the name.

piney07 · 17/01/2022 17:44

*wouldn’t hesitate rather!!

Original poster
Glitterygreen · 17/01/2022 17:42

Thanks everyone - at the moment it's very much as you've suggested @AuntieStella - I have been clear it's a maybe for me and haven't ruled it out as I do like the name itself.

This would be as a first name. I would actually be happy to have it as a middle name as a total tribute to his nan as I don't think his family would make such a fuss over it then. The only thing that slightly holds me back from this is that randomly it's also my sister's preferred name for a girl so I wouldn't like to 'use it up' as a middle name. But equally she may not have children any time soon, may not have a girl, may go off the name, her DH might not like it, she may not mind re-using it etc. So not a major concern. I'd be quite happy with it as a middle name.

OP posts:
piney07 · 17/01/2022 17:41

It’s sounds like the perfect name to me? Something you independently like that will thrill your DP’s whole family and make your daughter feel very connected to an ancestor who sounded like a lovely woman?

If my DPs grandmothers name was also one of my favourite names, I would hesitate to call her that and I would also happily let people think the reason was because we were naming her after the grandmother, just to get all the undeserved brownie points Wink

SummaLuvin · 17/01/2022 17:38

would you be happy to use a name with such strong associations within your DP's family, but nothing for you?
If it had no connection to me, and I wasn't fond of it, then no I wouldn't be happy. But if I loved the name, I wouldn't be put off because it has an extra layer for my DH, that would be a bonus for me.

I am also very conscious that DP's family will 100% think he has chosen it in tribute to his nan
Is that wrong though? You might have initially suggested it, but the support he has given the name is because to him it is tribute, doesn't mean it has to be one from you, but to him and his family it will be.

I don't really understand why you are against the idea of him honouring his nan with a name you also really like. It is really a win win as far as I can see providing you like the name, it only seems you're going off it as it means a lot to him. If you are genuinely going cold on it, then don't use it, that wouldn't be fair, but let him know early that you want to consider other names.

AuntieStella · 17/01/2022 17:35

Keep it on the list. You liked it well enough a while ago, you might find yourself liking it again.

Tell your DP that you like it but you're not totally sure it's The One and you want to keep thinking and want you both to keep coming up with ideas

You could always stick it in the middle

But keep hold of the thought that you don't have to decide now. And what his family think of it really does not matter

GemmaRuby · 17/01/2022 17:34

No, I wouldn’t personally based on what you’ve described. Would be different if you were also close to his nan and you were deliberately naming the baby after her, which isn’t the case here.

Now you’re actually having a baby I think you should both approach names with a clean slate - all suggestions are on the table to be considered. And this name should be considered as one suggestion amongst others, not a “done deal”.

toastofthetown · 17/01/2022 17:32

Is this for a first name or a middle? For a first name, if you don’t like the name any more then you don’t have to use it. Personally I’m not a fan of using family names in the first name spot anyway. I prefer to give a child a new name that is all theirs, then put family names in the middle - though obviously everyone has a different opinion on that.

For a middle name I’d try to compromise. Could you add an extra middle name so you child has one from each side of the family?

yikesanotherbooboo · 17/01/2022 17:31

I'm quite a fan of family names but if you aren't married I would definitely not use his surname. So Nansname Yourname. I wouldn't mind what his family thought I would know to my self that it was a favourite name of mine and that it pleased my DH.

Poundlick · 17/01/2022 17:30

No, in general in part because DP's family have the greyest names possible but I wouldn't in your specific case either. I don't like the habit of calling babies after dead relatives, and I'd hate to have a short form I didn't like forced upon me because an entire family thought I was naming my baby after a dead relative I'd never met, and maybe would have been far less keen on than they were if I had.

Your DH will have to 'unwed' himself from the name. Both parents need to agree.