Those who are not married, does DC have your surname or the fathers surname?

I gave DD DPs name because we were meant to be getting married, then pandemic happened and a house move etc became our focus so I changed her name by deed poll to mine, with his consent. I expect we will get married at some point but as main carer I was really uncomfortable not sharing a name with her. The GP used to ask me if I was the child's mother when I rang about DD which I found quite upsetting. I would definitely give your child your name especially if you are no longer with their dad.

Your surname, 100%

For a start, it's tradition. Babies have always had their mothers' surnames... it's just that most mothers were married and had taken their husband's name.

Secondly... you're not with him. YOU will be the primary carer. The baby will primarily be in YOUR family. You're giving birth. You're caring. You're the one who will be dropping off at school, registering with doctors, everything probably...why on earth should he have more right to be the one who shares a name when every single aspect of everyday life will not only be mainly with you, but will be easier in many respects if you share a family name?

Don't give in to shut him up. It's really important, and it's about your DC too.

I bang on about this a fair bit as I have a good friend who really, REALLY regrets giving her DC her ex's surname.

The child hates it as they have a different name to their mum and their siblings. It was particuarly difficult when the sibling came along as that sibling DOES share a surname. If she'd given DC her surname it wouldn't have been a problem either way as she would either choose to give both her surname, or if she'd remarried/taken another surname then DC could also choose to change it. As it is, the ex won't allow any surname change.

Her ex's family also use it to 'mark their territory' - especially now that she has moved on and has a new partner and child. It upsets the DC (their grandchild) too. Things like 'Proud of youngest 'Smith' today for getting their swimming badge' on FB - they never just use the child's first name. No matter that the father sees the child once a month and is shit, frankly.

DC has been upset by it countless times and has commented, I'm part of this family and I don't see them very much and sometimes they're horrible about you Mum, and our house and the baby and I hate being the odd one out and not having 'our' family's name and having their name instead.

My friend really regrets it, not least as she says (quite perceptively) that she really feels that DC would feel a bit less hostile about the father's side of the family if it wasn't such an issue, if DC had her name and it wasn't something his mother (especially!) could use as a way of marking her territory. DC sees it, feels uncomfortable with it, pulls away.

Changing the name will be the first thing they do at 16 apparently!

So. Your name, if he is already an ex it's an absolute no brainer.

Mine have mine surname as a middle name then their dad's. But if it was today, I'd do it the other way round.

Could that be an option for you?

First name, middle name, his surname, your surname.

Or just your name would be fine as well.

Don't give them his name when you're not even together, it will be a pain for them. And it may create problems for you at passport control if you want to leave the country together.

We had our son before we were married but intended to get married one day. I knew I wanted to keep my surname and double barrel it so we did that for our son at birth then when we got married both me and the husband took the double barrelled name.

Could you double barrel DD?

Oh fuck that.

DH and I were married, but I still insisted on double barrelling our kids names.

Still very happy, but in the event of any split I wasn’t running the risk of having a different name to my kids when let’s be real, as the mum I’d end up doing 80% of the donkey work.

They have their fathers. My surname was the cause of bullying throughout my childhood. So they have a totally plain surname that you cannot poke fun at. That was the only reason.

If I was unmarried and not with father baby would 100% have my name. When I married I double barrelled my name. Dc has my dh surname but my maiden surname as a middle name.

Your surname - always. You are the mother - you gave birth and will bring the baby up. Ex is just a sperm donor who will probably dip in and out of your lives as and when it suits.

You get called Mrs DCsurname a lot. Teachers and healthcare people you meet through your child will almost certainly do it and it will become annoying.

Travel etc is a lot easier if you are Ms Surname and Firstname Surname.

Not me but the children my DB has with his partner have her surname

Traditionally babies have their mother's surname (which might also be the father's if they are married)

I really would stick to tradition in your circumstances

I didn't change my name on marriage, but DC's have their fathers name. If we were not married, that would not have happened. Neither surname is particularly nice, so it wasn't an aesthetic choice, it was just the one we reached together.

It's not that difficult to have non-matching surnames, but there can be extra admin at times. What I suspect you will find grating is the number of times you will be called by their surname. I didn't mind, because we are all part of a family unit and don't object to being called Mrs DH socially. But I wouid have absolutely loathed it in your circumstances because you are not together

Hell would freeze over before I gave my child an ex's name. I am married and I didn't even give my child my husbands name, I did not take his when I married, our child has 2 surnames, didn't even faze my husband. An ex? Not a chance, most likely you will be doing the heavy lifting in terms of parental care so they take your name. Stand up for yourself now and don't bend to pressure or you will spend the rest of your life kneeling it with these people.

Three them have dad's, one has mine. Complicated reason.

My sister split shortly after having her child and she has her name. The father has nothing to do with them. I don't see any practical reason to have the father's name particularly if the mum is custodial parent.

My DC all have my surname.

If you are split, then baby definitely should have your surname.

Your name always. Please.

No way should your DD have your ex’s surname. Give your baby your name and save yourself years of trouble. Don’t give into any intimidation from your ex and his family. Incidentally it has even less to do with his family than your ex.

Ours are hyphenated but we are together. If I we had split up it would be mine or hyphenated as a compromise if I felt he was reasonable and likely to be a present and involved father. They have no right to pressurise you about this and if they continue you should just register DC by yourself. It's a real cheek that his family are saying anything about it tbh.

In your circumstances I'd 100% give your surname

You may have another child at some point and do you want to be
Ms 2002 with DD1 with your ex's surname and Dc2 with the new partner's surname.

You could put the dad's surname as a middle name
e.g. Lily Wilson Bradley
not Lily May Wilson-Bradley

In your case, I'd definitely give the baby your surname. The baby should have the mother's surname.

We double barrelled the kids. We later got married and each kept our own surname, so now we are a household of 3 different surnames.

It works fine.

Give the baby your name!! The ex is history and you don't know how long he'll be around. I'm married but don't share husband's surname and the children have husband's name which has turned into a big pain in the bum

No, no, no. Baby gets your surname.
Don’t discuss it, get it done.

You can change baby’s surname from yours to his in the future, but you can’t change it from his surname without his permission.