Engaged - so who's last name to give?

Oh dear, the "bigger commitment" idea... Having a child is a commitment to the child (a commitment more likely to be upheld by the mother than by the father). It is no commitment whatsoever to each other. If you split or one of you dies (at least one of which will definitely happen, unless you're both immortal), you are unprotected. As you can see every day on the Relationships board here. This is more a comment for others reading, not the OP, but I didn't want to let that old chestnut slide.

So many couples break up after children so you may never get round to getting married. Stick with yours.

So..

1. You seem to be assuming that you have to chance your name to his when you get married. You don’t. He could change to yours for example. You could pick a new one. Or you both keep your original names. I go by Ms (maiden name)
2. It’s not traditional for a baby born out of wedlock to have their fathers name. At all. Babies born out of wedlock did not have their fathers name, nor the same inheritance rights. Traditionally a baby would have your name whatever it is. Times have moved on now but there is a very common misconception about what is traditional.

I gave my DC my name then decided not to change my name after marriage. DH wasn’t chuffed but there were reasons why. I see loads of women doing the majority of child raising for children that don’t have the same name as theirs. It doesn’t quite fit.

I had my first daughter a year before we got married. I gave her my husbands surname as was planning to take his anyway so be seemed easier. They are very used to this in GP's when your having jabs etc... I was very pleased for us all to have the same surname a year later though. Good luck with conceiving and don't worry at all about doing it out of wedlock, to me it's a much bigger commitment to your partner than that so as long as your sure he's the one go for it ❤️

I'm in similar situation to you though I'm pregnant. I think your plan sounds fine especially as in England and Wales you have to reregister the birth certificate. I am not a traditionalist so don't hold strong views on this subject though when I get married I'm planning on changing my name. If I wasn't having a child I wouldn't but I think it just becomes awkward if one parent has a different surname to the child - plus, double barrelling is out of the question as our names together sound like a terrible porn star name. In my case for paperwork's sake I'm just going to give the father's name since it's not a requirement to reregister the birth certificate in Scotland.

I double barrelled our first child’s surname before we got married. When we got married I had to legally re-register the birth and the child now has my husband’s surname which is also now my surname. The child got a brand new birth certificate so there’s no sign of the double-barrelled surname at all (although for a couple of years their passport had the double-barrelled name until it was renewed). Give your surname or double barrel until after the wedding.

I would never give a child anything other than my name. So many couples break up and children end up with names of men they don't have anything to do with. It's extremely rare for an unmarried father to get full custody of the children.I
Op you can change names when you re register the child as a child of marriage.

happymummy

One good reason 'not to' is to think that it's not actually traditional. It's a Victorian/Edwardian tradition, very closely linked to the development of state bureaucracy - the official recording of names of family data. In the UK, this happened from the 1850s onwards. It's not in itself a bad idea and since the welfare state it's been linked with fantastic benefits. In the past, and to some extent today, it was/is all about the inheritance of property.

OF COURSE call your baby what you want. All I'm saying is that as a matter of historical fact, there is no tradition that says a baby has to have its father's name EVEN if you are married.

And even if we weren't married I'd still have given the baby my husbands name because I'd have known we'd get married at some point and I'd take his name as well. Plus I'm traditional and to me you give the dads name unless there's a good reason not to

I first met my husband end of April 2014, we became a couple 9th may 2014. We decided to start trying for a baby in July 2014, we moved in together in October 2014, I got pregnant in November 2014, we found out I was pregnant 19th December 2014. We got engaged 13th January 2015, and got married 9th April 2015. Baby was due 30th August 2015, was actually born on 5th September 2015.
So we had been together exactly 11 months the day we got married. I know it's very quick, being married and expecting a baby within less than a year of being together, but it worked for us. We had discussed marriage and both agreed it was what we wanted, but we weren't officially engaged. But when we found out I was pregnant we both knew it was important to us to be married before the baby was born, and I didn’t want to be showing if possible, so we made sure we were. It was perfect. Some people might think we only got married because I was pregnant, but that was never the case at all. I wanted to have the same name on the notes, scans and definitely on the birth certificate. It meant a lot to us to be married first.

OP me and my DP are engaged (delayed wedding due to covid).

Our dd has a double barralled surname now, and we'll change it to his surname when we get married and i change my name as well.

I didn't want to wiat to get married before having a child, like you say everyone has different priorities.

Definitely don't do his until you are married

Why don't you get married first?

I know it's a bit old-fashioned (I am over 50) but it would save all this angst...

To be more precise, Mademoiselle did have overtones of virginity about it; and in the past that definitely suggested a young woman who was not married. But even when Mademoiselle was more widespread, 'Madame' was used in everyday conversations - eg with a shop assistant or a ticket clerk - for all mature adult women, married or not.

That's not to say that French naming customs are all sweetness and light. As this article shows, even though by law since the 1980s French women can use whatever surname they choose, French officialdom still harps on about marital status on important forms, and the Internet, following the same pattern, has made the situation worse.

www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2012/feb/24/madame-mademoiselle-sex-french-women

Mademoiselle was only used for girls and young women. It was nothing to do with being married or not.
Once you got to a certain age (as far as I remember, around 20-25) you were Madame, regardless of marital status. I remember the fist time I was called 'madame' in a shop in France - in my early 20s, and still a student. Made me feel suddenly rather old and much more grown up!

[quote florascotia2]Congratulations, OP

Women changing their names on marriage is actually a fairly recent custom, not very ancient tradition.

For example, Shakespeare's wife was known as Anne Hathaway, not Anne Shakespeare, although lawyers writing soon after her time remarked that customs were changing - in England, though not in France or the Netherlands or other parts of Britain and Ireland. In Scotland until the 19th cent probably most women kept their own names.
From the early 18th cent, independent-minded women in England still kept their own names, and men who married heiresses or women from important noble families sometimes had to change their names to match their wife's name. In the 19th cent, campaigners for women's education and civil rights (eg the vote) also chose to keep their own names, especially in the USA. Or else they double-barrelled them, such as the UK's Elizabeth Garrett Anderson, the pioneer doctor who worked to provide medical services for poor women.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-29804450

Of course, you must do as you want, but as others have said, there is no legal need to change your name; legally in the UK you can call yourself what you want so long as it is not fraudulent. Your marriage certificate won't show your married name, just your name and your husband's.

It's the same with Miss, Ms, Mrs . They are all short for the same word, 'Mistress'. For centuries, that was a title of respect - matching 'Mr' - used for ANY adult woman, regardless of marital status. Just like the French 'Madame' still is today.
www.cam.ac.uk/research/news/mistress-miss-mrs-or-ms-untangling-the-shifting-history-of-titles

However, if you do want to change your name, here is a useful summary:
www.theguardian.com/money/2013/feb/06/changing-your-name-dos-and-donts[/quote]
Didn't they used to have mademoiselle and only abolished it fairly recently in favour of using madame for all?

As my mind is set on elope/small registry office wedding now and a reception at some point in the future.

A wise plan xx

I wouldn't consider kids at all until after you get married but if you're going to definitely give your surname. After baby arrives you will probably book doctors, liaise with HV, nurseries etc and if you have a different name to your child it'll be more difficult for you to do this (unless you get your husband to take over all child related matters) I have had friends do that.

Congratulations, OP

Women changing their names on marriage is actually a fairly recent custom, not very ancient tradition.

For example, Shakespeare's wife was known as Anne Hathaway, not Anne Shakespeare, although lawyers writing soon after her time remarked that customs were changing - in England, though not in France or the Netherlands or other parts of Britain and Ireland. In Scotland until the 19th cent probably most women kept their own names.
From the early 18th cent, independent-minded women in England still kept their own names, and men who married heiresses or women from important noble families sometimes had to change their names to match their wife's name. In the 19th cent, campaigners for women's education and civil rights (eg the vote) also chose to keep their own names, especially in the USA. Or else they double-barrelled them, such as the UK's Elizabeth Garrett Anderson, the pioneer doctor who worked to provide medical services for poor women.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-29804450

Of course, you must do as you want, but as others have said, there is no legal need to change your name; legally in the UK you can call yourself what you want so long as it is not fraudulent. Your marriage certificate won't show your married name, just your name and your husband's.

It's the same with Miss, Ms, Mrs . They are all short for the same word, 'Mistress'. For centuries, that was a title of respect - matching 'Mr' - used for ANY adult woman, regardless of marital status. Just like the French 'Madame' still is today.
www.cam.ac.uk/research/news/mistress-miss-mrs-or-ms-untangling-the-shifting-history-of-titles

However, if you do want to change your name, here is a useful summary:
www.theguardian.com/money/2013/feb/06/changing-your-name-dos-and-donts

I was engaged when both dc were born and we decided to give them their DFs surname.

In hospital their name bands said "baby my surname" but this is only so they can "match" the right baby to the right mother.

Their DF and I never married and split up when they were 5 and 3. Them having a different surname to me has never been an issue. They've been to 3 schools between them, teachers have always known we have different names. The dr has never questioned it. The HV never questioned it. Etc etc etc.

The only problem we've had was about a year ago when DS1 didn't want his dads name anymore. He was going to change it as soon as he was allowed. He's less bothered now. And tbh that's a "my father is a loser" issue.

Fair enough OP, it’s completely your decision but I hope you’re open to the possibility of it happening next month because it quite often does. And you will need at least some level of medical care throughout the pregnancy even if it’s textbook. Unless there are urgent medical or age related reasons why it’s now or never, I personally think anyone TTC at this point is insane. There is a very real, utterly terrifying possibility, of the NHS collapsing completely in the next month or two. And it’s not a case of thinking, oh well I just need maternity services-if it gets as bad as it might, there will be no area of the NHS untouched. I’m far from a doom mongerer but this is probably the worst possible time in the history of the NHS that you could voluntarily choose to need its services. I really hope you’ve thought that through, as well as what to name your baby! I wish you lots of luck whatever you decide and hope all goes well for you. Just don’t become one of the many women ok these boards bitter and angry that their boyfriend of a decade still hasn’t married them and they’ve given up all their earning potential for the pleasure.

If you plan to have a child with him before marriage and want to take his name, legally change yours to his now if you know it's one you are happy to keep no matter what happens within your relationship.

Absolutely nobody in the position you are in now is thinking things will go wrong, but they can and do every day, we are all human.

I'm due in March. Baby will have double barrelled name, when we get married in April I'm not changing my name so no need to change hers. Future FIL is the only one who has a problem with both the double barrelling and me not changing my name.

Yours

Ideally you need to give your child the surname it will have for the rest of its life otherwise especially when the child is an adult it will subjected to proving all the names it has been known by from the day it was born.

To be honest I would just go ahead and have a tiny Covid safe wedding but then I'm definitely a small wedding person.