Page 2 | Baby surname - advice needed

Newmumoct20 · 2020-11-19T19:33:50+00:00

Hi I really need the advice from people on here as to what to do next. Some background, me and my partner have been together 2 years, I’ve just given birth to a beautiful baby boy after an incredibly difficult pregnancy. We haven’t been getting on for months and he often threatens to leave and be nasty about me to the point most days I’m upset. I have to register the birth and I am adamant that I want our baby to have my surname. He is furious it’s not having his but bearing in mind his threats to leave I don’t feel this is the right thing. I want to name him as the father but know if we go together to register the birth he will kick off about the name, and like so many other things I’ll be pushed into a corner and just agree. To add, he has said several times that if we don’t work out, he will want to see baby whenever he wants and he has threatened several times to get my baby taken off me, all the more reason to register the birth alone but I feel so awful about it all. What I do know is that if I don’t register his details on the birth certificate he will definitely leave and not speak to me again. He has also said he will make things difficult with solicitors and alike, it’s so upsetting for me in these first few weeks where I should be bonding with my son not bickering or worrying about becoming a single mum. Any advice most welcome!

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 13/12/2020 07:04

He’s said if he leaves he will get the best solicitors to make sure he can see the baby whenever he wants not allowing me to have a routine or get on with my life

This won’t happen. Access, yes, but a set time. He is making stuff up to threaten and blackmail you.

You can’t live like this, OP. And as you say, don’t want it for your baby. It isn’t healthy to live with someone who calls you names.

Love yourself and your baby.

Original poster

Newmumoct20 · 12/12/2020 23:48

Thank you all for your comments. I’m still with my partner. He is threatening to leave over so many things. He got as far as the car today and then said he was going no where. Now we are arguing about Christmas and how we will split our time across our two families and yet again I’m hearing that he will take our baby wherever he wants whether I’m with him or not. His family apparentlything this is acceptable but I don’t believe it is. I’m not being unreasonable, our baby is a few weeks old, we are in tier 3 so shouldn’t be mixing outside of our set bubbles and I don’t feel comfortable mixing or breaking the rules more than I’ve had to to appease him already.

He’s said if he leaves he will get the best solicitors to make sure he can see the baby whenever he wants not allowing me to have a routine or get on with my life so I’m damned if I stay with him and damned if I don’t. I feel so lost in the situation. I love him but he’s so nasty and if he doesn’t get his way gets emotionally abusive and calls me names. I didn’t want this for my son. Would welcome any virtual hugs or advice at this really difficult time.

OP posts:

HeadPain · 07/12/2020 10:29

@Newmumoct20

Thank you all. The latest thing is now every other weekend he sees his older children. He now wants to stay over with them every other Friday and Saturday meaning 2 weekends a month I’ll be looking after the baby and being alone alone. It’s to start this weekend. I’m still relying on his help as I recover from my c section but even when better this seems like an unreasonable request. What do people think?

From everything you've said in your posts I'd be glad he's gone and I'd want him to stay away forever. Obviously if you really need help to care for the baby you need someone to help, does it have to be him? Is there anyone who can come over? Can you go anywhere? Are there official things for this situation? Similar to carers? Or some organisation where you can temporarily stay and they help with baby, until you recover at least? I know nothing about this stuff, maybe others can tell you specifics. By the way, I feel like you should talk to the police about this anyway, but I'm not sure you can if no crime has happened, I don't know if one has, it's possible there has been, but anyway, police record 'non-crime' incidents and offensive words all the time. If not police please at least contact a women's/domestic abuse charity/help/advice line/group, where they are experts. I'm worried about your and the baby's safety since he has been abusive towards you and has threatened to take the baby without your permission. Not to be dramatic or scare you but I've read too many reports about the this type of thing, how it develops and the terrible way it can end up. Alarm bells are ringing. You and/or your baby could be in danger now or in the future. I hope you can safely leave him and be safe away from him in a place where he doesn't know you are. Please do contact a charity/advice group/centre and tell them everything.

VenusClapTrap · 07/12/2020 10:10

Op you need to get out yourself and your baby out of there. ASAP. Can you tell us why you think you can’t leave, so that we can help you to find a way to do so?

3rdNamechange · 07/12/2020 09:24

If he's not on the BC and he takes the baby , phone the police immediately. Please tell him to leave asap your life will be better without him. It's hard with a baby alone , but you will manage. Do you have any family who can help you ?

PragmaticPrinciple · 07/12/2020 07:39

Your situation is really horrible.

Have you got any friends or family nearby?

What things would you need his help for over a weekend?

I know it’s hard but I think you could gain a lot of confidence and independence from knowing you can manage without this really abusive man.

Make sure you have everything you need, enough nappies, food for you that is simple and quick to prepare.

If there are things you cannot do, like get up the stairs carrying the baby, then talk urgently to your HV.

Please talk to your HV anyway. And have a good look at the Women’s Aid website. Also there may be alternative local support for abused women.

What are the reasons that you can’t leave at the moment? I know it is particularly hard when there isn’t a family member you can go to.

Are you on maternity leave with a job to go back to?

CodenameVillanelle · 07/12/2020 07:23

@Newmumoct20

Thank you all. The latest thing is now every other weekend he sees his older children. He now wants to stay over with them every other Friday and Saturday meaning 2 weekends a month I’ll be looking after the baby and being alone alone. It’s to start this weekend. I’m still relying on his help as I recover from my c section but even when better this seems like an unreasonable request. What do people think?

I think you should get used to looking after your baby alone and realise you don't need his help, then leave him

Original poster

Newmumoct20 · 07/12/2020 07:21

Thank you all. The latest thing is now every other weekend he sees his older children. He now wants to stay over with them every other Friday and Saturday meaning 2 weekends a month I’ll be looking after the baby and being alone alone. It’s to start this weekend. I’m still relying on his help as I recover from my c section but even when better this seems like an unreasonable request. What do people think?

OP posts:

CodenameVillanelle · 07/12/2020 05:43

@Newmumoct20

So the latest problem is next weekend he has said he will take the baby to see a relative without me whether I like it or not. I haven’t registered the birth so if he takes the baby and I’m not ok with it or he doesn’t return with the baby does he have any legal rights? I know what you are all going to say, he is an abuser, and I know this but I feel so trapped and I can’t just leave. I just need to know what’s what I order if it all goes wrong I can take back some control, I’m feeling very upset and emotional, our baby is just 4 weeks old

Why can't you leave? It's not just you at risk here it's your baby

HeadPain · 07/12/2020 00:18

"Newmumoct20
So the latest problem is next weekend he has said he will take the baby to see a relative without me whether I like it or not. I haven’t registered the birth so if he takes the baby and I’m not ok with it or he doesn’t return with the baby does he have any legal rights? I know what you are all going to say, he is an abuser, and I know this but I feel so trapped and I can’t just leave. I just need to know what’s what I order if it all goes wrong I can take back some control, I’m feeling very upset and emotional, our baby is just 4 weeks old"

Newmumoct20
"Thank you everyone. Him and his whole family are making me think I’m being unreasonable by saying no, we are in tier 3 and already I’ve had to give in to having his family over during lockdown and now, and the thought of him taking the baby an hour away for a few hours at just 4 weeks old just seems so wrong. It’s been a really upsetting few days"

It is wrong. You're not being unreasonable. There's no way he should be taking the baby away. Don't let him. Do you have family or friends to support you? As PP said please tell family, friends, organisations, or even legal route what has been going on.

Nell96 · 06/12/2020 23:09

Absolutely not - you just say no. It doesn't matter whether he's on the birth certificate or not, this is YOUR baby. Your baby is 4 weeks old and there's no way he should be taking him anywhere without you, especially not in the middle of a pandemic. Please please leave this vile man. You're not being unreasonable. Follow your instincts, and seek help from friends, family or one of the organisations mentioned previously. Do it soon, because this isn't going to get any better xx

Original poster

Newmumoct20 · 06/12/2020 23:02

Thank you everyone. Him and his whole family are making me think I’m being unreasonable by saying no, we are in tier 3 and already I’ve had to give in to having his family over during lockdown and now, and the thought of him taking the baby an hour away for a few hours at just 4 weeks old just seems so wrong. It’s been a really upsetting few days

OP posts:

nowishtofly · 06/12/2020 22:06

Oh by the way OP, particularly if you are breastfeeding he would find it very difficult to be awarded much in the way of access to a small baby - and that's after him pursuing it through the courts. Certainly he wouldn't be taking the baby off to see relatives at 4 weeks old. Call his bluff - he said he would leave? Ask him when he is going. Find your anger to protect your child.

nowishtofly · 06/12/2020 22:02

It's not usual to separate a 4 week old baby from its mother. It's quite cruel. You and baby are likely to be very stressed. Say no OP. Do anything you can do to get away or get him to leave, he sounds awful.

carly2803 · 06/12/2020 21:34

@Newmumoct20

So the latest problem is next weekend he has said he will take the baby to see a relative without me whether I like it or not. I haven’t registered the birth so if he takes the baby and I’m not ok with it or he doesn’t return with the baby does he have any legal rights? I know what you are all going to say, he is an abuser, and I know this but I feel so trapped and I can’t just leave. I just need to know what’s what I order if it all goes wrong I can take back some control, I’m feeling very upset and emotional, our baby is just 4 weeks old

you say no simple as that

regardless if he isonthe birth cert or not-he should not be taking hte baby to meet people. we are in a pandemic and regardless he is out of order.

absolutely do not put him on the birth certificate. if you arnt together before birth, i am not a fan of this anyhow

Original poster

Newmumoct20 · 06/12/2020 21:14

So the latest problem is next weekend he has said he will take the baby to see a relative without me whether I like it or not. I haven’t registered the birth so if he takes the baby and I’m not ok with it or he doesn’t return with the baby does he have any legal rights? I know what you are all going to say, he is an abuser, and I know this but I feel so trapped and I can’t just leave. I just need to know what’s what I order if it all goes wrong I can take back some control, I’m feeling very upset and emotional, our baby is just 4 weeks old

OP posts:

MercyBodle · 28/11/2020 01:55

I've seen your updates. Big hugs! Are you getting all the support you can IRL? Family? Friends? Your partner is not supportive at all and you are far better to let him go than try to cling on and put up with his much less than helpful abuse. Reach out to others for support. And you can seek your own legal advice re his threats about the baby. And keep a record of any nasty and/or threatening stuff he says to you.
And definitely register baby with your surname, and any doubts about how he'll behave, go on your own.

Thermo · 27/11/2020 22:39

The name is the last of your worries.
You’re living with an abusive man.
There’s no solicitor and I doubt there ever will be, and he won’t ever get what he wants.

It sounds like you fear him leaving, but leaving truly would be the safest thing for you and your baby. Look at how he speaks to you now, what he thinks of you. He should be taking care of you, not telling your your lazy after a csection FFS!!!

As your baby grows this fucker is going to get worse. Honestly.

Let him/make him go. If you cannot, contact the links above.

There is no doubt about it, You need to escape this vile man.

VenusClapTrap · 27/11/2020 22:08

He’s a nasty piece of work. Have you got any RL support from family and friends?

Nell96 · 27/11/2020 20:39

And also, I would ignore his comments about getting solicitors involved etc. I'd put money on him being too lazy and / or disorganized to do anything of the sort. He's just trying to scare you.

Nell96 · 27/11/2020 20:34

Oh my goodness - you poor thing. You are doing an amazing job. Don't listen to him, he sounds like a total loser. You need to leave him, you deserve so much better than this. As far as I am concerned, his behavior constitutes verbal and emotional abuse. Have a look at some of these links and get in touch with these organizations - hopefully they'll be able to provide some support and point you in the right direction. I wish you and your baby the best of luck:

Refuge - Recognising abuse - www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/recognising-abuse/

Women's Aid - Am I in an abusive relationship? - www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/am-i-in-an-abusive-relationship/

Rights of Women - as PP suggested. They have an advice line which may be helpful - rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law/

Bobbiepin · 27/11/2020 19:21

It's understandable you feel very low with this, but you just brought a baby into the world, how much more of a woman could you be?! He's nowhere near a real man, he's a selfish delusional little boy. You and your baby deserve so much more.

Gremlinpoop · 27/11/2020 16:56

Essentially this relationship is not going to work so keep him under your name ( as he has been since birth). So much easier for you long term to have the same names. Loose the man though he is just going to make like more difficult for you.
Good lu k enjoy your new baby and move forward!

CodenameVillanelle · 27/11/2020 16:54

You don't really need legal advice at this stage but you need to get him away from you both. Has he left?

Original poster

Newmumoct20 · 27/11/2020 16:49

I just feel so sad and upset. My confidence is on the floor. Today he has said I’m boring, not a proper woman cos I’m not doing all the chores cos I’m recovering from a c section, fat and ugly. He also says I don’t know what I’m doing. The baby is just a few weeks old. I’m doing the best I can as a first time mum. It’s really tough

OP posts: