Should name choice be 50/50?

It's important you both agree on the name. Having said that my husband doesn't like my favourite name choice for DS2 and I'm still hoping he'll change his mind 😆.

What @AuntieStella said in the first reply.

In response to your second post, no, I don't think anyone should try to use a name the other person really dislikes for their child. There are thousands of names out there - you keep going until you find one you both like.

It is a joint decision, which means you keep going until you find something you both like.

In theory it should be 50/50 but in reality there are a lot of men who bully their partner into letting him
have his own way; this is much more common than mothers insisting on their choice against the wishes of the father. There are also a lot of women who give their children the father's surname and not their own without even questioning it or considering a different way.

So while the theoretical ideal is for mothers and fathers to have an equal say, the fact is that we don't make these decisions in a vacuum, and we're affected by social conditioning (that makes men more likely to expect and insist on getting their way, and women more likely to let men have their way) and convention (everyone expects a child to be given its father's surname).

So if we have to compensate for that inequality by reminding a mother that she's the one who brought the child into the world, so be it.

My exh was not convinced about ds10s name but I absolutely insisted on it, it was the name for a boy I has always wanted and I was the one who endured HG, becoming the size of a narwhal and a c section. We compromised with exh choosing 2 middle names for ds. He know calls ds a shortened form of his name which he likes. I use the full version which is my preferred. Ds likes both versions of his name.

I think it should even if that means you end up with a name that is not either of your favourites. DH was very keen on Andrew and I didn't want that at all, my favourite was Edward/ Teddy which he hated, so we ended up with two nice names that we both like but didn't adore, and that I certainly didn't consider in my decades of idle baby name planning.

You can dig your heels in just as much as him.

First you say that if he won't discuss your favourite name, his favourite is definitely out.

Then you discuss surnames...

I know you have posted in a gentle way, but your post made me quite angry actually. I really don't like the idea of your partner's lightly bullying approach to this.

Might be time to remind him that without a marriage certificate, what goes on that birth certificate is your decision only.

Tell him you would like a proper discussion of the name you love. Because right now, that is definitely going to be the first name.

Don't let him bulldoze you. You sound a bit too nice here!

@mhn1

Have loved reading your replies. My partner and I are currently expecting a little girl. There is a name that is his absolute favourite, which I do really like. However there is a name that I really love but he just shuts it down straight away (I spoke about this name even prior to TTC). I'm finding it really hard to let go of the name that I LOVE

Plus: if your partner is being a tiny bit of an arse and hoping to bulldoze you by completely refusing to engage on the name you love - then the only fair way is to take the name he loves off the table too. And you start again. You don't get your favourite? Then he does not get his. You don't love it, after all.

Do remember that if you're not married, it's totally up to you anyway...

You never know OP she may not look like the name. The name I loved didn’t stick at all when my daughter was born and we went for the name that I liked but my husband loved. Don’t feel you have to pin the name down before she’s here

Both need to love the name- plenty of names I loved I didn’t use and vice versa.

I think both parents need to be happy with the choice of name, unless it's a situation where the parents are no longer together.

For me & DH it was easy - we've similar taste and he agreed with all my suggestions. So I suppose me making the name suggestions means I got a bit more than 50/50!

Funny I was having this conversation with dp over the weekend. I am pregnant with our first child together, we both have kids from previous relationships. His idea was that if it’s a girl I would choose and a boy he would choose. I prefer the notion that we both put names on the table and decide what we like/don’t like and go from there.

I have a strong inkling this is a girl so we have agreed on a second name - he’s not fussed on the second name as it doesn’t get used really so he was happy to go with my suggestion.

I hate the idea that in a marriage things are divided in half. My daughter isn't half mine and half his, she's all mine and all his. So's the house! You aren't sharing a bag of sweets between children. You need to keep talking until you find a name you both love that goes beautifully with your surname 😉We kind of always knew what my son would be called even before I fell pregnant with him, bit my daughter's name isn't one I had ever considered. But it reflects back to us what we want it to.

I would always aim to have a name that both parents like and agree on. I’d hate to feel like I was pushing a name onto my DH that he didn’t like.

However, if you really reach deadlock then yeah, I think given that mother has carried and pushed baby out, she gets a little extra sway - especially if father gets to give his surname to the baby. I get quite angry when I see threads with the father trying to push his first and last name choice on to the baby, with little regard for how much the mum has gone through to grow the baby!

I think it depends on the situation . If the mother wasn’t dating the father then I think she should get the final call on the name . She’s the one likely raising the child . I think it would be disrespectful though to not consider the father when picking a name.

However I’m married and my husband and I have always agreed on names . It’s hard to say if it’s 50/50 though as there have been certain names he has liked more than me and vice verse .

Ideally a joint decision!

However if the father's surname is going to be used, the mother gets veto/final say on the (hopefully mutually agreed) choice of first names.

I am of the opinion it should be a joint decision. I dislike the whole "you are doing all the work" getting pregnant is a team effort and imo parenting should be so continue as a team.

Both parents should agree on the name

That means one or both may have to compromise, and that should be sorted out together in discussing n.

And both get a veto. It might mean not using a name one parent has secretly always dreamed of, because it's wrong that the other should put up with one they simply do not like.

There are thousands of names to choose from, so even if it takes oodles of discussions mutual choice is achievable.

There are going to be all sorts of parenting discussions over the years of childhood. Start as you mean to go on, and I think thrashing things out until you find a mutually acceptable conclusions n is the best way. For thus and for everything