Should name choice be 50/50?

It's a tough one this, isn't it! In an ideal world maybe there'd be a clear winner straight away but hopefully you come to a joint decision with a little bit of compromise on each sidex x

The decision cannot be 50:50 unless the child is going to have a double name like Violet-Elizabeth Bott!

I'm with the French on this: C'est la maman qui décide!" The person who gives up their actual body to an alien for the thick end of a year and takes literally all the physical risk and work gets the final say. Discuss and consider, but don't be shut down or vetoed in this. I had my DD1's name in my head for 20 years before I gave it to her and I would not have been able to understand her DF if he had tried to put his foot down. His reason would have to be of overmastering importance, e.g. it was the name of the person who murdered one of his parents or the name of the neighbour's dog that bit off DH's nose. Nothing less. Certainly not, "Meh, I don't like it much."!

Depends on situation and whether there are other traditions to consider. My DS has a first name that I picked but both me and OH love, then has traditional name from OH's country and OH's surname

My first dd i chose as we weren't together and I was 17 so thought I knew everything. I dont regret it as I love her name and her dad went along with it after some really awful dated suggestions from him.. but in hindsight I should have been more open. Second and third time around my now OH and I chose. He wanted names from his culture, I agreed as long as I liked the name. Both names were a struggle to agree but I disliked a lot of his suggestions and him mine so I'm really glad we chose together and both like our sons names. I think it really taints it for the other person if its a 1 parent decision, I cant imagine my OH naming our children and not being able to have an opinion on it. I am thankful that dds dad was didn't argue with me but I do feel bad I disregarded his opinions so easily and took complete charge of it.

I meant growing and birthing gives the feeling of more of a right to name because mothers are more impacted at that point than fathers as a basic bioloigical fact - that between the two, mum's done all the hard work and the future is (mumsnet statistically) likely to prove that way too. Naming not a biological fact but with what we have to endure, feels like a logical right to have the final say as just basic good manners and respect to someone risking their life to bring forth life. Obviously in a relationship you compromise and work together but a having a baby is not a 50/50 experience. It happens to the mum. That feels like an important distinction.

Yes and no. I had the final choice each time but any absolutely not names were discarded. They had his surname, I chose the first name. That's fair enough.

Why can't it be, I grew them and birthed them so I name them? Why is that wrong and crass to state biologically what is, and to feel you have more right at that stage?

'I grew them and birthed them' is biological fact, 'so I name them' is not.

Good luck with the decisions OP. I agree with others in saying that needs to be a joint decision as all your future parenting decisions should be and sometimes that may mean giving up a name you have secretly loved/wanted even for a long time if there if your other half genuinely does not like it at all and vice versa. Names can also grow on you. I let go of one I'd been set on for my Dd - the alternative that was a middle ground for my and OH grew on me and couldn't imagine her being anything's else now. It's all about mutual compromise and discussion really in my eyes really.

In terms of your situation it would depend on the compromise being shown by your OH overall. If your OH is outright rejecting the name you love because he genuinely dislikes it e.g it reminds him of something/someone unpleasant from his past I think you'd have to let it go. If he's just doing it because he wants the name he likes and doesn't want to consider your views then that is wrong and you should put your foot down. Doesn't sound like that's the case from what you've said though. Keep revisiting both names at regular intervals and see how you both feel. Even if that's after they've arrived.

Have to say the pp who said that it's usually the man bullying and imposing their name choice in the discussions is not my experience I would argue there are people who are unwilling to compromise of both genders is more a personality thing I think.

Baby gets fathers last name plus mum squeezed him out. I say mum decides 100% unless dad really hates a certain name that mum picked, that should be open for discussion. I picked the name for our DS and husband just supported my decision even though he probably never would have chosen it if it were purely his call to make.

While there should be a lot of discussion and a willingness to find something both like, I do think mums should have the final say. I think mumsnet shows parenting isn't 50/50 and often it is mum that has to pick up the pieces when things fall a part. Why can't it be, I grew them and birthed them so I name them? Why is that wrong and crass to state biologically what is, and to feel you have more right at that stage? Becoming a mother is not without risk or impact. Things aren't always equal or fair and I feel like it is okay to acknowledge that.

I absolutely adore the name Alanah and I really wanted it for a dd. I suggested it to DH when we were expecting dd1 and I got a blanket "No" no explanation no discussion. Dh was keen to suggest names so this actually threw me so I tried again about a week later same reaction. Later had lunch with some close friends and mention this to the woman who quietly told me that Alanah was his significant x who had really hurt him. Alanah went off the list but I still LOVE it as a name.

DD1 is a name Dh loves

DD2 a name that is a compromise of one I wanted and loved and a variation that DH preferred (she has an instead of an e at the end of her name)

DS was a huge back and forth until we found a name we both liked. Had you asked me years ago I would have forsworn I would EVER have a son called Conrad... He is 18 now and I love his name.

DD3 is a name I Love and DH liked as DH felt it was my turn to get a name I just loved since dd1 had the name he loved. ((he likes her name and its not Alanah )

In many ways, I feel us discussing names and finding our joint way drew us closer together. OP I would say to your partner you are open to the name he loves but he has to be open to other ideas too as you are not 100%. See where that gets it. It may simply be that he thinks you both love the name he loves so he sees no reason to discuss other names. For dd1we had 5 top names we liked and the favourite was Elizabeth we were sure we would have an Elizabeth. DD1 arrived and the first words she heard was not "hello" it was a mutual utterance from DH and me of " well that's not Elizabeth" I am pleased we had the other 4 names and the one that she suited was the one DH loved. She is 22 now and she still suits her name it is 100% her.

The way we worked it (or planned to) was for the first - if a girl, I chose, if a boy then DH chose. But we had to each like the name. We’re both fairly conservative so we each knew the other wouldn’t choose a wacky name or bizarre spelling.

Turned out first tine was a girl, so I chose first name and his first choice is our daughter’s middle name.

Second time around, DH asked as I git first choice first time, he’d like first choice with our second child. However, our daughter also wanted to choose. The name she really liked was ok and my DH agreed, his first choice is our second daughter’s middle name. Youngest has spice girl names, their real names as our daughter really lived them and my DH choice at the time just happened to also be a spice girl name.

I think a joint decision.
With dc1, DH had about 10 names he loved and I really didn't. I had a list of about 4 I loved and he really didn't. We kept looking and found a compromise name that we both liked a lot and probably neither of us loved as much as our original favourites. We then picked a middle name each.
With dc2, DH had come around to one of my original favourites so we named them that and then again we picked a middle name each.

It's a joint decision and both should have a veto power. It's not fair for one parent to have to go with a name they actively dislike just because the other loves it.

Honestly I've known from being a little girl what I was going to call a daughter if I had one. So when I fell pregnant and found out she was a girl there was no doubt in my mind, I'm just very fortunate that my dh liked the name. If he hadn't I don't know what I'd have done haha.

@mhn1 if it helps , I was completely sold on a boy name that my husband liked but didn’t love. He suggested another name and my reply was 100% NO! He brought up the name a few more times and I have no idea what changed in me but it started to grow on me . Now I LOVE it and it’s our top boy pick ( I’m 37 weeks, don’t know the sex)!!

Totally joint decision.

I had to give up my favourite name for DC2 because DH didn’t like it. I did keep trying in the hope he’d change his mind, but there’s no way I’d have suggested using it if he wasn’t 100% on board.

The only situation I can think off here the push argument works is if there are a few names they’re both happy with and he lets her have the final say, but there is no way anyone should have their child have a name they dislike.

It needs to be a joint decision. The pushing it out argument is really crass, he doesn’t have a choice in the matter, and his child should not be called something he doesn’t like.

If you both have absolute favourites that the other doesn’t like, you need to find a compromise name.

There needs to be agreement and I don't think being the one who gives birth gives you naming rights. There's a real sourness to some of the comments which tell you that you have full say and a right to decide. What a way to start a child's life, with a spiteful "it came out of me and we aren't married so shove your choices" sort of attitude to their other parent.

I suspect DH does not love our dc's names as much as I do, but he agreed to them. He vetoed other names, so it's not like he felt unable to say if he disliked a name. I vetoed some names. We tossed others around until we came up with ones we were both happy to call our dc. I didn't get to use my favourite boys names, he said no to them, he didn't get to use his favourites as I said no to those. We're adults who love each other enough to have children together so we compromised, we didn't insist on winning.

I am bit at people saying dh is bullying.

Maybe he is, only you can say.

But there are some names I really seriously dislike and would not ever consider, if they had been dh's favourite name, then still, absolutely no, I am not using that name.
Why is that OK for me to say, but not for dh? I would be genuinely really upset to have to call my child by some names. I assume dh has the same feelings about some names.
I don't think that is bullying to just say no way for some names.

As pp said, both partners get the right of veto.
I find the idea of saying - you don't like my favourite name, so your favourite name is also off the table, is so petty, it really makes me wonder about people's relationships.

But if the idea of bullying strikes a chord with you, then listen to that internal voice.

Sorry but the replies that say because you’re not married you get to make 100% of the decision make me really angry. My partner and I have been together 20 years and choose not to get married, doesn’t mean that we aren’t as committed as couples who are married. Doesn’t mean that I get to choose everything for our children because he is not as equal as me as a parent.

At what point does the 100% not become 100%. If we split up because we’re not married would I become 100% financially responsible for them. Of course not. Are men only allowed to step up and be parents and make decisions when we decide that’s ok.

Names should be something that both of you agree on. If one of you doesn’t like it you move on until you find one that you do.

@mhn1

Have loved reading your replies. My partner and I are currently expecting a little girl. There is a name that is his absolute favourite, which I do really like. However there is a name that I really love but he just shuts it down straight away (I spoke about this name even prior to TTC). I'm finding it really hard to let go of the name that I LOVE

Some names I really loved, and one in particular that I had set my heart on if I ever had a girl, do not work at all in Dutch.
We really had to look at names that worked in both langauges and had to agree to veto any name with th in or g, due to pronunciation.

That knocked out some more favourite names.
But the thing is, this is half his child and half mine. Not only that but this child needs to be comfortable in both countries and have a name which works in both languages.

My kids are all teens now, and I don't regret any of the names we chose, even though none of them were names I would have been interested in before I met dh.