Baby's surname

@Feminist10101 I gave mine up, or he’d have shared his name with a famous person, I had no actual attachment to my name anyway and we wanted a shared family name.

Definitely your name.

Statistically speaking, even if he does stick around and is a good dad, you’ll still be doing the bulk of the parenting. Plus there’s tons of women who find out their ex is a complete wanker deadbeat dad who buggers off after a few years.

He can go to court to be given PR very easily

He can, if he gets round to it. If he doesn’t there will never be any question of needing his permission for anything.

Your name

Your name

Your name.

YOU will be raising her.
YOU will be her primary carer with all responsibility.
YOU will be her core family.

If you have more children, you then have the option for them to share a surname - yours.

If you one day get married and do change your own name, you would then have the option of allowing/authorising your child to also change to what would then be the 'family' name... not an option if she has his.

Most of all - give her your name because he's got a fucking cheek to 'not even be keen' on double barelling. Who the fuck does he think he is!? - it's this kind of guy who doesn't tend to stick around.

@Feminist10101 so about 70 times you've flown alone with your dc and you've only had one slight questioning incident! That's quite scary when you think k about it. You could have stolen 70 dc by now! Started your own colony.

Another vote for yours or double barrelled at a push

Yours or both! Dont let it be just his if you are not together. I'm in the boat for it's ok for them to have the dads name if you and your partner are not married as my DD has my partners last name and we are not married. But we have been together since we were 17 and marriage might be something we do in the future. But in this case I strongly suggest you push for your own. Mainly because you are worried about him sticking around. Its traditional for babies of unmarried parents to take the mothers last name. It will make your life a lot easier travel wise and many other things if you have the same last name.

@lbanana I would give your surname speaking from experience.
I was given my dads surname. He walked out when I was 3 and chose to have nothing to do with me. In 25 years, I've seen him less than 5 times. I hate that his name is on my birth certificate and being associated with it. I took my dads name who raised me and was known as that then only changed when I was married. Even still, it came with problems when I had to declare previous names known by and birth names etc as I was never legally adopted to change names x

Although that said, my eldest has her dads name, I've always had a different surname to her and it's never actually been a problem, with schools or travel or medical treatment etc.

But we were together when she was born and hadn't anticipated not being together and he's a great dad (although a dickhead of a man)

In your situation I'd give the baby my name and not even put him on the birth certificate. But that might cause more hassle than it's worth.....

Your name without a doubt.

How often do you fly and how often do you fly long haul @Feminist10101? I'm surprised you've never been stopped in ten years.

From when she was 4 months old to now? We’ve gone long haul (inc US,Middle East) once to twice a year on average. Probably between 4-6 times a year in Europe.

Maybe my name being on her passport made the difference? She was asked once as a toddler at the gate what her name was and who she was with. And then last year she was asked to give her full name and mine and our relationship, but not in any way that caused any hassle. Was literally just as we handed over our passports.

I completely agree it’s not every time and everybody but where the hell do you come from taking people’s this happened to me stories and saying it’s bollocks? How about ‘I’m 10 years in and it’s never happened to me, so you might be ok.’? Just suggesting it as an alternative to ‘you are all full of shit.’

How often do you fly and how often do you fly long haul @Feminist10101? I'm surprised you've never been stopped in ten years.

I've flown lots of times without my dh and we've been asked almost every time. Once my dc were taken out off the passport control queue when we were transferring though Asia and questioned without me!

@feminist10101 are you saying that every single one of the multiple mums who report having had airport issues due to different surnames is lying? Or that everyone gets questioned, even if they share a surname?

Because I'd dispute both of those.

Differing surnames means you and your child will be questioned at airports.

The same applies to being assumed to be "Mrs x-name", and how wearing that is. Women are telling you their experience, you may have had different experiences, and that's great for you. But multiple women experience both of these issues, and multiple women where the child has mum's name do not. And that's valid.

There is a long list of reasons to give the child mum's name. What are the reasons for giving the child dad's name?

I did end up double barrelling the dc's names as I was sick of being Mrs XP.

Now they seen to pay attention to my name.

Give your child your surname, it may save you lots of problems down the road. My sister has had problems taking her children abroad as they have a different surname and are mixed race. She has also had other problems through the years that would not have occurred if they had the same surname. A friend has children with a different surname and her exh won't give permission for one of them to go abroad, the other children he is happy for them to go abroad!

you have 18 years of being called Mrs hisname at school, doctors etc

you will get hassle at airports and this may stop you being able to travel with her at all

I’m 10 years in and these are absolute bollocks.

Yours 100% and always.

There are no disadvantages at all to her having your name.

With his name-

-you have 18 years of being called Mrs hisname at school, doctors etc

-you will get hassle at airports and this may stop you being able to travel with her at all

-she will definitely have a different surname to any future children of yours

-she will have a name of someone she may never even meet/never remember/never have a role in her life

-she may later on have identity issues with having a name disconnected to the rest of her family

-she and you may later have negative connotations from hearing this name which you will be stuck with

He is just trying to control you, there is nothing benevolent in his desire.

More important than the name though is birth registration- do not under any circumstances co register the birth. That is more of a commitment to a man than marriage. You give him licence to control you for the next 2 decades. This is the decision that could ruin your life.

Why would any mother give a child a name that isn't hers? What reason is there to give someone else's name to your child? Not "why give the baby your name"? But "why choose someone else's, who may or may not stay in their life, name for your child?"

I had been married to DD’s father for 8 years before we had her. I did not feel any need to share a surname with her, just as I don’t feel the need to share a surname with my husband. We discussed every possible option and decided on his surname and mine as a middle name. It could have gone the other way, she could have had a hybrid of both names (double barrelling would have meant a 7 syllable surname) or a completely different name.

I’m no less her mother. My name is In her name and so on her BC and passport. She knows where she came from and (in case you missed it) she uses both names interchangeably anyway.

What logic is that? Giving her someone else's name, so that if she decides to change her name in the future, it's someone else's name she's replacing?

That wasn’t the reason.

Why are you even considering giving your DC this mans surname?

My eldest got my surname when he was born as my situation was similar to yours. He does not have any rights to dictate to you that the DC should have his surname.

Give the baby your surname. All through my pregnancy I was certain my baby would have mine and I got talked out of it (various reasons)
I regretted it ever since. My baby should have my surname and if I could go back in time I would.

I've heard mums say that they thought it would tether the dad to the child... instead the dad still fucks off/dicks around, and the child's name makes no difference to that.

I would say his as middle name and yours as surname. I would not double barrel

@feminist10101

What logic is that? Giving her someone else's name, so that if she decides to change her name in the future, it's someone else's name she's replacing?

Why would any mother give a child a name that isn't hers? What reason is there to give someone else's name to your child? Not "why give the baby your name"? But "why choose someone else's, who may or may not stay in their life, name for your child?"