Giving baby DPs surname

So you think it's traditional to give your child your partners surname but you are not traditional enough to get married? Please reconsider your decision, as having your surname will make life easier for you after you split up.

I think I'm just more for the traditional way of giving her her fathers surname

Tradition is that children take their mothers name. Tradition also says marry first children second.

I can't see a reason she would need to have mine. Why would she need his?

Why would he be hurt? I’m sure his parents know that tradition says she’ll have your name.

You’re clearly adamant she’ll have his name so not sure why you bothered asking. Being engaged isn’t a sign of commitment. It’s completely pointless if you’re not getting married. It certainly won’t give your child any additional security.

A marriage certificate is a piece of paper in the same way that a £50 note is, your passport is, your child’s birth certificate is, the deeds to a house are. Eg it means something legal and significant. The fact that it makes ending a relationship harder is precisely the point. That’s what makes it a commitment.

Women changing their names on marriage is a tradition that could t be more rooted in sexism. Why so many continue to do it (often unthinkingly) is beyond me. It’s not romantic. It’s not an equal choice (what percentage of men ever even consider doing it?!).

I’ve been married nearly 20 years. Never used husband’s surname.

10 yo DD has his surname with mine as a middle name. Never had an issue travelling etc and have been all around the world on my own with her.

Nothing says you have to share a surname - I never felt the need to. I know she’s mine!

My Ds has his daddy's surname and my neice and nephew have mine.

It doesn't bother me at all he is as much his daddy's as he is mine no matter what he's called and I'm probably a traditionalist, that said I doubt we will get married so many other things that need money before we need a party etc

@Puppy72 just replied xx

I let my dp have his name as our daughter’s surname, it’s worked out ok for us and we are getting married but I have no intention of changing my name when we do, so with hindsight I would have rather given her my surname.

I’d 100% give baby your last name unless you definitely plan on getting married. So many people have lived to regret their decision not to do this.

I’d also think very carefully before automatically putting him on the birth certificate.

I grew up with a different surname to my mum and it honestly never bothered me at all. I was married when we had our daughter and she has her dad's surname and then my surname as a middle name (I have a Greek name so wanted to keep it as part of her heritage). I've opted for a double barrelled surname for myself but didn't want to give her one mainly for practicality's sake! I thought I'd feel sad giving up my maiden name but to be honest it really doesn't make a difference to me now. In my head I'll always be Miss xxxx anyway

Why would you choose to give his name to the baby?

Why bother getting engaged if you don’t plan to marry, “engaged” isn’t a thing bar agreeing intent to marry.

Why not read up about what marriage means? Marriages do break up but unmarried parents are statistically more likely to split up.

There’s plenty you don’t understand so focus on that.

OP marriage isn't just a piece of paper.

-currently you and your dp are not eachothers next of kin, so you cannot make medical decisions for eachother.

-no exemption from capital gains tax if one of you dies.

You will never be able to change it (your dp would have to agree to it being changed and most men don't agree). This means unless you change your surname you will never have the same as your child

I regret that day at the registry office where I agreed to our daughter having his surname. Honestly what was I thinking.

Why wouldn't you give the child your name?

I know a mum of 5 to 3 different fathers. All the children have their fathers' surnames - so they have 3 different surnames, rather than all having herself
Having said that, my Dd has my dh's surname before we were married.

@babycornplease please can I pm you because this is so similar to my situation right now xx

It's a self esteem thing for many men, for their offspring to have their surname.
Doesn't stop very many leaving their DC behind with the mother doing most of the donkey work when they split though.
Engagement is meaningless in your case. Be proactive not passive and give them your surname. Your DP reaction will tell you a lot about him.

If I wasn't married and had no intentions of marrying, there's no way I'd ever give any child anything other than my surname...

Btw I was you OP. Not married. But when I gave birth I snapped out of it. I said my baby was taking my name just before we registered her. I actually cringe at how disillusioned I was when I was pregnant. So full of love and a view of a perfect world.

We did marry in the end. Not before we risked a split however. When we married we all took on DPs name (which was a nice moment for us all)

Even if you didn’t want to marry, is it worth thinking about changing your name?

I was engaged to dd's father with the intention of getting married the year after she was born, and gave her his surname. Sadly, he ended up being an a-grade arsehole, dv, the lot.

Cost me £3500 in court fees to get it changed to mine (and they only do that under very rarely and under serious circumstances), otherwise I would have been faced with a life time of explaining it, carrying letters of permission from him to take her abroad (despite the fact that he's disappeared off the face of the earth and is not allowed contact (court ordered), etc.

Not saying that will happen to you by any means, but you just never know, and I certainly had no idea at the time that this would have happened.

I mean that in the context of she doesn't look like me and if I was to take her on holiday it would look questionable if I was her mother as she's a different colour to me and with a different surname

Why him?
Why not yours?

It is way to say “oh we are stable”

Life does change so much within years.

Marriages break up all the time, do mums change their children's surnames back to their maiden names then?

You’d need the fathers permission. It’s not easy.

I stupidly made the mistake of letting my daughter have my ex partners surname, she's got a different surname to me as we weren't married, what's worse is she's a different colour to me also as my exP was English.. I want to change her surname to mine but he won't consent so I will need to go through the courts and even then there is no guarantee.. I wouldn't give your child your partners surname unless you were married.

I wouldn't want a different surname to my child. Especially considering I'd done most of the heavy lifting in making them, added to the fact that if we did separate, I'd likely end up doing most of the heavy lifting from then on. I'd like to think the dad would do 50/50 but if history tells us anything....

If and when the baby's dad decides he also wants the same name, he can either change by deedpoll or marriage to mine and baby's.

How long have you been together? Do you both contribute the same financially?

The changing of surname dates back to ownership so some women do feel strongly about it. I gave my dc Ex's surname and in some ways regret it. It makes my life a little more challenging but for Ex it is easier..however given I have the dc more frequently then my surname makes more sense.

No one assumes they will separate and I thought we had a stable relationship..until we didn't. 50% of relationships break up so the probability is high.