Giving baby DPs surname

I have the same surname as all my children I never considered otherwise, none have their fathers surname.

Practically speaking I travelled to Spain with a friend and her son, her sons passport got destroyed, and a replacement had to be requested. Because she didn't have the same surname as her son there were no end of issues. Spanish police ended up contacting his birth after (who hadn't been in contact for years but had the same surname and is on the birth certificate) for permission to issue the passport. It was a logistical nightmare.

OP Congratulations on your pregnancy (or perhaps your daughter is already here; if so, congratulations for that). For your own sake, and even more for hers, please, please read this:
www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

You say that you have no wish or intention to split from your partner, nor he from you. That's great. That's lovely. But what if - heaven forfend - he was run over by a bus, or developed a fatal illness? These very sad things could have a big practical and financial impact on you and your daughter, as well as an emotional one.

Have - for example - you and your partner made wills? Have you named each other on life insurance policies to make sure your daughter is provided for? Etc etc etc.

As other posters have said, it is 100% NOT traditional for babies to take the name of their unmarried fathers.
And, in many - possibly most - cultures, it is NOT traditional for a woman to change her name on marriage. In the UK, the best known example of this is Scotland, where deeply, deeply respectable married women were known by their unmarried surnames.

Also the traditional purpose of an engagement seems to have shifted!

It's so odd that the tradition of getting married is dying out but that men are still having their surnames attached to children.

Why don't you just double barrel? Or use his surname as a middle name?

It makes a big difference in airports etc when travelling with child. I was married to a Mr Another but now divorced. Child 1 is Miss Keats, Child 2 is Mr Another Keats. No issue. (In Europe -not far from the UK)

My friend Miss A - engaged to Mr Beother. Child 1 is Miss Beother, Child 2 is Mr Beother (Junior) and lots of issues at the airport. Literally a hold up for 30 minutes.

You split up -child has a different surname. If you don't see why have a different name -just use yours.

I’m shocked reading this thread as I’m not married but would always give my child their dads surname. It wouldn’t even cross my mind, I just thought that’s you did?

Ok, I understand. He didn't consider my last name for himself as again we are not married but I dont think we would consider my last name. It's not a great word and its easily made fun of, also he would of then had the same name of an odd celebrity! Maybe if It was a different last name i would feel different.. but again I'm happy as we made the decision for our daughter that feels right and would give her the easiest life. And the thought of potentially starting a new one doesnt really appeal to me.. as I dont mind his last name and again it means more to him. He had no issue giving her my last name and was quite happy for me to go ahead but I wanted to have a discussion with him and take everything on board of what he would like and why as well. :)

I asked DH whether he wanted to change his name long before discussing that I wouldn’t be. So he did think about it. We considered changing to a completely new name but neither of us could be arsed with the administrative crap that would cause. So we stayed as we are.

Had the venue change their “congratulations Mr + Mrs Hisname before I would go into the ceremony.

I bitterly regret giving my daughter her fathers surname.
Ended up changing it when I got married ( to someone else) so we all had the same surname but thoughout her later childhood and even her early adulthood when there was a need for her birth certificate or even NHS card it brought it all back ,that I was an idiot.
Don’t do it.

I dont feel like I'm expected to do anything, like I'm expected to take my partners name or give it to my children. It was an open discussion we both had. Double barrelled would of sounded awful and slightly rude Haha. I get that in history is has obviously been different but
Surely now being able to make a choice of what I want isn't sexist? Not trying to start an argument, I just dont feel like I've bowed down to some sort or sexist tradition as it was a choice that I made..

Coming from a diff angle, my mother remarried after my father died. She double barreled her surname so that my siblings and I didn't feel left out of the family with my new step siblings but also so we had the same surname (first part) to avoid explanations etc.
It was many years ago so I know things have changed but I would have hated not to have had the same surname as her.

It would be wise to know the protections that marriage offers both you and your child before you reject it, but if it is the institute of marriage itself which has too much baggage for you then you could form a civil partnership. You don’t have to have a wedding. You could go to the registry office on a Wednesday afternoon and not tell anyone if you wanted.

The "tradition" was roughly speaking that a woman took a husband's name on marriage where he undertook to provide for her and their children who then on arrival took the mother's new name.
If unmarried the children of the couple were not legitimate heirs of the father and had the mother's name.
The surname comes through the mother either way.

Why in this day and age an unmarried bloke gets first dibs on giving a surname is beyond me. But hey ho.
Pregnancy and birth is a risky undertaking and leaves many women vulnerable physically and financially. Though carrying a new life has a certain something attached I'd not consider it an unalloyed privilege.

I have had the same name since birth. I’ve an aunt, who broke the glass ceiling in the 70s by becoming very senior in an industry dominated by men, who seemingly cannot understand that addressing me as Mrs Hisname is wrong. She knows my bank account is in my name, so sticks correctly addressed cheques in incorrectly addressed envelopes. She genuinely can’t understand that a woman’s name does not automatically change when she marries. It’s bizarre (and after nearly 20 years, bloody frustrating).

I have my baby ex dps surname. I like the traditional sense of having your fathers surname. I got the privilege of carrying my baby and everything that goes with it. I feel like the surname is her fathers privilege.

Oh fuck that.

Pregnancy isn’t a privilege. Neither is PND, birth injuries, loss of pelvic floor function, bleeding nipples.

The idea of unthinkingly giving a man automatic naming rights because he happened to ejaculate approximately 40 weeks before hand is fucking bonkers.

Tradition was always to take the unmarried mother’s name, not the father’s. And I don’t know why any posters who put so much stock in “tradition” suddenly aren’t so bothered when it comes to getting married before having kids.

My DD has my partners last name.
I have 0 intention on getting married and we have been together since we were 17. Her name sounds nice with his last name and It really didnt bother me at all. I had a bit of a dodge last name anyway that I got teased for. Marriage is something that might happen for us but it's just not important right now. I know that it might be difficult to travel alone with her but I honestly dont see any other issue. It's just a formality imo.
I get the deep rooted issue about it being sexist that we take their last name. But it's a choice is it not? I know people in their 70s that are married and she never changed her name. It depends how much the name means to you, I love my family dont get me wrong!! but I think it meant more to my partner than it did to me.

One of my best friends took her husband’s name. Half way though her PhD she caught him cheating on her. They’ve divorced but her doctorate is in a name she no longer wants to use. She wishes she hadn’t changed it. It’s really affected her.

I think the real question here is whether or not you have considered the legal protection marriage would give you if you are traditional enough to give the baby your partner's name but don't want to marry.

I am a professional who took my husband's name on marriage which our children therefore have. Incidentally almost all the professionals I know, in multiple industries, have done the same.

For me 'my' surname was actually the surname of my useless absent father. My mother's surname was the surname of her useless father. So I was happy to take my husband's name and start a new family with him that hopefully wasn't going to follow the patterns of the men in my family. Of course we could have chosen a new surname to have together but I liked his and wanted rid of mine so it worked for us!

Before we were married, pregnant with our first child.
Partner and I had a long conversation- he even said if I was to given her my maiden name then he would consider changing his. We couldn’t double barrel as it would sound daft. We’d always planned to get married at some point and decided eventually that she would take his name and eventually mine would change! And it did!

I have told him about the threads on here re baby taking mums surname and he's happy for her to have both but it's not something I want, I'd rather her just have one surname. If they sat nicely together it might be different but they don't.

So there’s no argument, but still you won’t consider any of the options to show your child that your identity is equally as important as their dad’s. Lovely.

I've never known the tradition of child taking mothers name, everyone around me has their fathers/family name unless they married then most of them took their DH name bar a few who kept their own due to work....or they have mums name because their dad wasn't in the picture/is a twat

So that’s what you have been conditioned to think you should do. You don’t have to. Maybe think outside those restrictions.

I can't see many disadvantages given to me on this thread for her taking her dads surname other than my pride being hurt if we split, other than the travel issue which hasn't been elaborated on, and can be easily sorted with birth certificate anyway

Again, you’d be subtly but definitely giving your partner’s identity dominance. This then carries on other sexist expectations around childcare, earnings etc. None of which is good for anyone.

My DP is quite a lovely man, it took us a year after an 8 year relationship to come to the decision to have a baby, it isn't something we've took lightly, I can't imagine us ever getting to a point that I'd hate him so much that I'd regret our child sharing his surname or feel a need to change it. I appreciate I don't know what the future holds, but this wasn't the answer I was looking for.

Does anyone ever plan to split in years to come?

I was looking for genuine reasons how it could make life difficult, seems there aren't many obstacles I will face having a different surname to my DD.

Travel has (probably) been made a lot easier as both surnames are on DD’s passport and birth cert. She’s very proud of having both names in her name (she isn’t named after anyone with her first or second names). She spends more time with my family so feels we are all the same. Literally no downsides to it and lots of upsides. You just need to look a bit further than what you deem to be “tradition”.

Am I as mad as some of the threads make out

Yes, personally I think so.

Marriage is not just a piece of paper. Far from it. It's a contract, more often than not in the woman's best interest. For example, unmarried couple living together 20 years, house in his name, 4 kids, she works part time now with a few years of gaps where she looked after their babies. But now they are separating. What is her future looking like? House was in his name so she has no claim on it. All he owes her is 'reasonable notice' to leave (same for his kids! No obligation for them to reside in the property). His pension? Nope. Her pension? Looking a bit bare from the years of P/T and childcare.

As for the surname, why should baby have his over yours? Make your life easier and have the same as your child.

Use one of your surnames as an extra middle name. That seems to solve any problems when travelling as the passports always have a common name.

You've mentioned yourself about having to get permission from the father to take your own child on holiday, if you have passports in different names. I'm sure there's loads of examples like that.

Most people are answering you quite emotionally instead of practically as that's the first thing that comes into their heads.. and mine too! I would NOT want a different surname to my child, no matter how much I love my partner now..